My Girlfriend Wants to be Poly. But I Have Doubts

This piece originally appeared on VICE Netherlands.

Ask VICE is a series where readers ask VICE to solve their problems, from dealing with unrequited love to handling annoying flatmates. Today we’re hoping to help someone who know doesn’t whether he wants to be polyamorous.

Hi VICE,

I've been with my girlfriend – let’s call her Olivia – for a few years now. We don't live together, but until recently we spent practically every day together. We work for the same advertising agency, which is where we met, and she’s without a doubt the love of my life – I think I’m hers too. 

Because we have to travel a lot with work, we agreed early on in our relationship that we’re allowed to sleep with other people. This has never been a problem for us, really. She likes to know who I have sex with, whereas I’d rather not hear details about her adventures. I’ve been jealous at times, but it’s never made me unhappy: This type of relationship worked perfectly for us. Our only rules were to make sure we used protection with others, and spend time together as a couple on weekends.

Three months ago, Olivia told me she’s fallen in love with someone else. He lives in one of the countries she has to visit often for work. She says she loves me and she doesn't want to end our relationship, but she also wants to be with this other guy. She’s been thinking about this for a while, apparently. Her previous relationships ended because monogamy isn’t for her, and now she’s met this other guy she’s realised she’s polyamorous – an open relationship isn’t enough for her anymore. This shocked me at first, but I quickly agreed: I think it’d be nice to date other people, and as long as she’s happy, I’m happy. 

But I do have doubts. I've been stuck at home with burnout for a month, and I don't really have the energy to deal with the changes a polyamorous relationship entails. More and more often she’s not home on weekends, because she’s visiting her new lover. She said she’d actually prefer to live abroad with him half the time. 

I could look for another lover, too, but I don't have the energy for that. I’m on Tinder, but I usually forget to reply to messages. When I go to a bar, I long for my bed after a few hours, and in those moments I miss Olivia. I don't want to mess anything up, but where’s the line for me? How do I know which type of relationship suits me?

M.

Hi M.,

More and more people are exploring alternatives to monogamy and giving polyamory a chance these days. Currently, about two percent of Brits have been in a poly relationship at some point in their lives, and another ten percent say they’d be open to it.

Beyond the jealousy and social norms lie an array of exciting prospects: Falling in love again, spicing up your sex life, redefining your concept of love. But transitioning to polyamory is not easy, and it requires a lot of trial and error with people you love.

“Your burnout needs to be your priority,” says Yuri Ohlrichs, sexologist at the Rutgers Centre for Sexual Health. Even though you might feel pressured to make big, sweeping changes, you and your partner must acknowledge that you’re not in a good place right now – something that can make it harder for you to identify your boundaries. Ohlrichs puts it like this: “If one of you has a broken leg, you don't go on a skiing holiday together.”

In fact, you should ask yourself if your burnout is at least partly motivated by this relationship challenge. “If that’s the case, you should seek more specific help, maybe with a relationship therapist,” he adds. You could consider asking your partner to slow down and set some conservative boundaries that may change over time: “Ultimately, it comes down to your own assessment of how much you can handle at the moment.”

Unfortunately, there’s no ready-made solution for establishing boundaries in a relationship. The best way to find out is to try out all kinds of scenarios. But burnout doesn’t help with this type of experimentation. "What happens typically with a burnout is that your limits have already been crossed,” Ohlrichs explains. “That’s why you often can’t put your finger on what you need.”

Still, there are some questions you can ask yourself: Was every decision properly discussed? Do you think this is important? Do you sometimes feel like you’re not given a choice? If you state your boundaries, are they taken seriously?

“There are a few clear rules in this process, and one thing is certain: If you want a fun, equal relationship with multiple people, everyone needs to be involved in the decision making,” says Ohlrichs. 

In the end, it comes down to clear and honest communication. Of course, this is easier said than done – especially since it’s a new development for you both.

“You have to avoid accusing each other of what’s going wrong,” Ohlrichs advises. “Express what you think you need at that moment and the same goes for her. If you’re not so sure about some things, though, don't be afraid to bring them up again. And if you eventually come to the conclusion that polyamory is your thing, or that you’re at least keen to try it, then it’s important that you write the rules for the relationship together.”

There’s also the possibility you realise you want something different. You might think it’s important to keep seeing your lover on a regular basis – which won't work if Olivia decides to move abroad. Again, the golden rule is to communicate so you can make honest choices.

“There are a lot of other questions to answer before you can really decide on the nature of your relationship,” Ohlrichs concludes. “Whatever those questions are, don't ignore your own needs, and look after each other. If you make decisions you don’t fully stand behind, both of you will be unhappy.”