'Jeb! Jeb! Jeb!': An Afternoon with Ted Cruz's Zany Indiana Hecklers

Ted Cruz's appearance at the deli was plagued by protesters. And, after Indiana University student Kevin Nichols recorded himself playing the age-old "too slow!" handshake prank on Sen. Cruz and subsequently informing him that he resembles a fish monster, outlets like the New York Daily News, Gawker, and Good Morning America quickly picked up the story. The Daily News called Cruz "bumbling" and declared that his reception at the event had added "yet another moment to the Texas senator's long list of Hoosier State humiliations."

Bloomington is dollop of liberal sour cream in the red as tomato soup state of Indiana, thanks in large part to the local university. The Wagon Wheel Country Market & Deli had this to say about their brush with the purported fish monster: "We are not sure why Mr. Cruz has decided to visit The Wagon Wheel, but this in no way means that we are endorsing any candidate."

Kevin Nichols had purchased a ticket to the Wagon Wheel event with the hope of somehow disrupting the proceedings. "Standing in line at a Ted Cruz appearance made me feel like a traitor and arbiter of evil," he tells Broadly. "The old men behind me kept saying things [about the protesters] like, 'Here's the crazies' Eventually these same men started ranting about the Skull and Bones society as a global conspiracy," Nichols adds. "I felt like I was in another world."

Of the 300 people gathered in the Wagon Wheel parking lot, about 75 of were liberal-leaning protesters. Trump supporters also came out, meaning the crowd could only have been about half diehard (alleged) Zodiac Killer fans.

Chants of "Ted! Ted! Ted!" were replaced by protesters' own takes. Nichols went with "Jeb! Jeb! Jeb!" and another went with "Dad! Dad! Dad!" Protester and gay bar owner Sara Gardner says she got Cruz supporters and fellow protesters alike to join in on chanting "Tom Cruz" as well. "Lots of 'go home to Canada' chants," says Gardner. "The 'nobody likes you' chant was pretty awesome."

Security around Cruz seemed lacking, according to multiple sources. "There was little order at this event. I was surprised at how close protesters could get to his motorcade," says protester and vegan bakery owner Lisa Dorazewski. "When cops just let people meander in the parking lot, I was shocked."

"After what seemed like an eternity of waiting, Cruz emerged from the door and shuffled right toward me," says Nichols. "'This is it,' I thought." But then Cruz turned sharply away from the group and back toward his motorcade. "I shouted 'Senator Cruz, can I at least shake your hand?' He slowly turned towards me with a thin-lipped smile and extended his clammy meathook. Just before he could latch onto mine, I pulled away."

Jackson Maier, another protester, did in fact get to shake Cruz's hand. "His hand was actually the most talcum powdery, wet-dry, freakish gross thing I've ever felt."

After being boo-ed out of the inner circle of Cruz supporters, Nichols went to join the protesters across the street. Among those protesting were Destiny and Esther, local performance artists and resident insane people. Destiny and Esther are the alter egos of Sara Gardner and Lori Canada.

"Mr Cruz is a vile human being. Or alien. Or Zodiac Killer. I'm surprised he didn't pick a third trimester fetus as his running mate, he loves them so," says Gardner. "A really pasty white frat boy told us our outfits were ugly. Then Lori called him an 'Old Navy boy' and his response was, 'It's J. Crew. Do you know what that is?'" A fellow protester then yelled "Get a tan!" at the J. Crew fellow, which ended the confrontation.

A third trimester fetus was unavailable for comment at the time of publication.