Queer Men Are Finding Love on WhatsApp Groups Instead of Dating Apps

On September 6, 2018, The Supreme Court of India scrapped the draconian Section 377 of the Indian Penal Code that criminalised homosexuality. It meant a lot of things, and the freedom to live and choose better sexual health was just the beginning. Celebrations via queer flags and congratulatory posts went viral on Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat and Twitter. And WhatsApp was buzzing too.

The queer community has so far had very peculiar ways of looking for and finding love in heteronormative societies. From getting similar tattoos inked to identify each other to speaking in foreign dialects, these mysterious pathways have helped them get intimate and experience sexual pleasure freely. What started as discrete cruising spots has now evolved to secret orgies and rapid sales of pleasure-enhancing products on dating apps. The Supreme Court of India, technology, the internet and smartphones have revolutionised lovemaking for the Indian urban queer populace.

“I was 16 when I first met another queer guy. We connected through a private community on Orkut. Ever since, I have only met like-minded people via apps or the internet for sex. I can’t imagine what would my life be without these apps,” says 25-year-old Krish, a PhD student from Goa. Just like Krish, 69,000 other queer Indians used Grindr in 2016. An official source from Grindr confirmed that it is the world’s largest gay dating app with 3.8 million daily active users seeking carnal pleasure. However, here’s the catch. Or competition. Closed groups for gay men are floating on WhatsApp these days, and a lot of people who had never even heard of Grindr or dating apps are beginning to join them.

“I have never used any dating app or website. I would generally meet [men] through friends or at particular spots at night. A few months ago, I bought myself my first smartphone. That’s when I began using internet. WhatsApp was the first app I downloaded, and my friend instantly sent me a link to virtually join 255 other gay men,” said Joy from Mumbai.

“Grindr is very different from Tinder. You approach profiles near you directly instead of swiping right on each other and taking it forward from there. Grindr has a few competitors but its interface is touted to be the fastest. You can create your profile and instantly get options of people near you,” says Rishikesh from Patna.

If you look at the larger statistics, over 200 million people have begun using WhatsApp in India. Dating apps are location-based but an account on a WhatsApp group doesn’t need your location. These apps also offer limited services with pop-up ads to free users and charge a premium for full services. On the contrary, WhatsApp is free and operates the same way for everyone. While there is no cap on how many WhatsApp groups you can join, the number of people who can join a group is limited to 256. Similarly, the number of profiles you can view on dating apps are also limited, and of course there are chances of fake profiles proliferating there.

“When I first joined a WhatsApp group exclusively meant for queer men, I was naive but very excited. I didn’t know what it could offer or how different it would be from dating apps on my smartphone. In a short span of time, I had chatted with over a 100 other gay men, decided to meet a few, block some and mute a couple of the groups as well. It isn’t as well organised as dating apps, but it certainly helps,” says Ravi, a 27-year-old accountant from south Mumbai.

From my experience, apps help you filter your search based on mutual interests. And WhatsApp pushes you to have interpersonal connections with people you are interested in. You don’t need to stay active on the groups, you just need to see what opportunities or proposals serve you best. There are party invites, jokes, porn, HIV-test reminders and news clips. Some body-positive folks also like sharing their naked pictures or unsolicited dick-pics a couple of times a day.

Most importantly what it also allows is privacy, helping many vulnerable closeted old and young gay men seeking company for intimacy. “I am married and have a four-year-old daughter. I am out to my family but they are extremely uncomfortable about my identity and cross-dressing. Therefore, I am always hesitant about exchanging pictures on Grindr. I always insist on meeting before landing on bed. I don’t want my photos to be misused or leaked anywhere,” says Hussain from Nagpur. He now also has an option of saving himself the hassle of meeting people. “WhatsApp’s video calling feature allows me to see people before I meet them. We don’t need to exchange photos. We can talk about our desires without leaving any trace or even indulge in venereal fun via video chats. I can disconnect the call whenever I feel like withdrawing my consent unlike a physical meet. There’s always some tension when you’re meeting strangers in person,” adds Raghav from Delhi.

“There have been disturbing instances benching on the anonymity these apps offer. Extortion, sexual assault or theft are some common [on] dating apps. WhatsApp may attempt to change this setback. SIM cards are offered against AADHAR cards, so if anyone from WhatsApp attempts to cheat, we can file a complaint,” says Sanjeev, an activist from an NGO promoting better sexual health for men who have sex with men.

While dating apps are easily available on app stores, you need an invitation to join a WhatsApp group, which can only be sent by a group member or admin. Once you gain entry, you regularly receive invitations from other groups. And some of these invitations are also floated on Grindr. “I was added to the group at a party by friend, which was only for gay men in Mumbai. But soon, I got invites to be a part of groups in Chennai, Gurgaon, Ahmedabad and Pune. There are foreigners on the list too. I travel frequently for work and these have helped me meet people faster than dating apps that might be slightly unpopular in tier two cities and rural areas,” says Mohit from Mumbai.

That’s the power of technology. While some are using WhatsApp to kill innocent men over meat trades or spread xenophobic rumours and propaganda, there are others who are trying to navigate their emotional and sexual journeys in a regressive environment. And sometimes they even fall in love.

*All names have been changed to protect identities.