Wallow in the Jeremy Kyle Show Proposal, the Most Awkward Romantic Moment in Human History

We have already thought in-depth about Jeremy Kyle. It is important that we take time to do this, occasionally. They say: be zen, find peace, meditate, sit on a thin mat and say "ohm". But they never say: spend a few minutes considering Jeremy Kyle, really turning him over in your head. They never say: hold the gemstone that is Jeremy Kyle with your mental hand and turn it for flaws and beauty both. They never tell you that the true secret to peace and wellness is thinking about Jeremy Kyle too much and figuring out whether he is bad, good, or very bad. Let Jeremy Kyle be your spirit guide through the lies and deceit of this toxic world. Let Jeremy Kyle take you over and shine out from you like a sunbeam.

Don't let Jeremy Kyle assist with your proposal, though, because it will go something like this, i.e. exceptionally badly:

I don't have the authority to declare this "the worst proposal ever", because I haven't put enough horsepower into really watching enough proposal videos, because I think proposal videos are possibly the worst thing humanity has ever created, right up there with tear gas and bombs. Like, as soon as some dude gets an umbrella out and starts spinning it in sync with 20 of his mates, or starts lip syncing to Bruno Mars, then I go cold and my muscle memory twitches and I hit Ctrl + W and somehow wake up a few hours later from a fugue state, gripping a knife, and I appear to have carved "LOVE IS A FAKE IDEA" into my own thighs, and so for obvious reasons it's tricky for me to make it all the way through a single viral proposal vid. But I would say this is definitely up there with the worst proposals ever, which, predictably, actually makes it one of the best.

Consider: can love truly bloom and blossom from a seed planted on the laminate flooring stage of The Jeremy Kyle Show? Will the wedding photos be her holding a The Jeremy Kyle Show lie detector test card over her face? Why can Jeremy not come to the wedding, but Graham can? Can you imagine being the dude in this proposal set-up?

I am imagining being the dude in this proposal set-up, and it's making me deeply unhappy. I am wearing a lot of un-ironed clothes. I am being accused on television of shagging someone at a funfair. My fiancé hates me, despite my telling the truth. And there, in my warm little pocket, a treasured secret: an engagement ring. I am going to propose on stage at The Jeremy Kyle Show. I think this is a good idea. Here's me, at the exact moment my fiancé runs away from me. This is the best moment of my life.

A lot of the narrative around The Jeremy Kyle Show proposal is that it went badly, appallingly, that this was the most awkward Jeremy Kyle proposal in the cannon of Jeremy Kyle proposals, which is surprisingly extensive. This is because people somehow expect a proposal on The Jeremy Kyle Show to go well. No. A Jeremy Kyle proposal is obviously doomed from the outset. You are building something on the ashes of lies and distrust. Even if this proposal went well – even if the bride-to-be showed even an iota of happiness or joy, or kissed him like he was a man instead of a soft wet wooden plank someone left out in the garden for too long – even then this would be doomed, because Jeremy Kyle is there, genuinely angry he's not invited to the wedding.

But there is truth in this proposal. Often people get married as the inevitable endgame in a romantic war of attrition, an "ah, you're the best I'm going to do" admission, an "eh, it's been three years now, shall we have a party about it" kind of love. In the modern rules of engagement, it's rare people commit during that first flush of love, the fancy underwear stage, the fuck-like-animals bit: instead, you propose after sitting on the same sofa together for 200 consecutive days, consulting the TV guide for what to watch next, eating chocolate digestives off a little china plate.

"Amie–" he says, and she's already said "yes" twice, hand outstretched for a ring – "will you marry me?" and she says "yes" again, and she may as well be saying "fine", may as well be saying, "fine, if I fucking have to, I'll spend the rest of my life with you."

Is this the most awkward proposal ever? Undoubtedly, yes. Is it also, by extension, the truest? It just might be. Enjoy not putting something on the bloody end of it, Amie and Jordan. Enjoy spending every last second of the rest of your lives together. Your bleak and joyless love gives me a grey kind of hope.

@joelgolby

More stuff from VICE:

Jeremy Kyle: the Man, the Show, the Dickhead

That Viral Photo of the Guy Proposing at Someone Else's Wedding Is the Exact Moment Love Died

How Cynical, Clumsy 'Morality Viral' Videos Took Over the Internet