We Asked People at a Festival... How to Have Sex at a Festival

Festivals of every calibre have been kicking back into action recently, drawing large crowds of frustrated, feral and maybe slightly horny music lovers, all looking to let off a little steam. 

The return of Splendour in the Grass – Australia’s largest music festival – meant thousands of young, carefree adults, all robbed of two years of new interactions, would swarm on a farm paddock in northern NSW for a weekend of mud and debauchery. 

And what is more carnal, more debased, more neanderthal than having sex in a tent?

Doing the dirty at a festival will rarely be pleasant, but for some it’s a “rite of passage”. Amongst the music, the mayhem, and everybody dressed in their best, sometimes that boat just needs to be rocked. 

But surrounded by thousands of people, with layers of mud across your skin and little privacy, the deed can be dirty, difficult, and spontaneous. 

So, to bring you the definitive answers to this most important topic, VICE charged out in the ankle-deep mud to ask a dozen attendees (we’ve removed names but added nicknames): What are your tips on having sex at a music festival?

Girl with a Bunnings hat (GBH): Oooh. You’re gonna want a not-muddy tent.

Overalls man (OV): Yeah.

GBH: You’re gonna want to believe in yourself.

OV: Mm.

GBH: And Everyone’s loud anyway.

OV: Yeah, fair. And If it’s day four then just don’t bother. Just cut your losses and get a room.

GBH: Oh yeah, that too. And Shower.

OV: Yeah, it’s not worth it. Sorry.

Versace bag: Always have an emergency condom cause I missed out yesterday cause I didn’t have one and I’m not making that same mistake.

The Tall One: It’s very important to have consent from both parties, make sure everyone’s safe.

Versace bag: Yep, of course.

Green hair: Very responsible

The Tall One: Yeah, very. 

Versace bag: You want your parents to hear that one.

Green hair: If you’re gonna do it, make it worth it. Do it properly.

The Body positivist: “At a festival? 

Swag man: You gotta have a swag. Double swag.

Man in Astronaut suit: “Make sure that if you’re in a rooftop tent the car’s not moving. You need solid suspension so you don’t see your mates car moving around when you’re having sex.”

The Body positivist: And I don’t know if the portaloo will work but the portaloo could be hot. The portaloo could be cool.”

Swag man #2 appears from the crowd.

The body positivist: You. Best sex at a festival? Tell us about it.

Swag man #2: Oh it’s gotta be in the swag. Underneath the mattress.

Swag man: That’s what I’m telling you.

Swag man #2: Yeah, all watery. Waterbed.

Bucket hat: Don’t stay in the same tent as your tent roommate, go in their tent…

Microphone stealer: Make sure the campsite isn’t muddy.

Bucket hat: Be safe and…

Microphone stealer: Don’t be safe.

Bucket hat: and be consensual…

Microphone stealer: Yes, be consensual…

Ponytails: And pee after sex!

THE STYLISH TRIO

Puka Shell necklace: Oh, it’s great.

Fear And Loathing: Safe sex. Always.

Puka Shell necklace: Yeah, safe sex.

David Bowie: Consensual. Safe, consensual sex. 

Fear and Loathing: Safe consensual sex is the hottest of hot. 

David Bowie: *Chef’s kiss*

Puka Shell Necklace: Grindr’s really bad around here.

David Bowie: Also ask pronouns. 

Fear and Loathing: Ask pronouns. Ask Consent. Ensure you’re having safe sex. 

David Bowie: Period.

THE GROUP THAT HATES VB SHIRTS

Aqua Jacket: “Do it in a secluded place. Do it in a cubicle but try not to be as dirty as possible. Just try and keep hidden.”

Black Jacket: “Involve the mud in foreplay.”

Curly hair: *claps*

TIED TOGETHER BY ROPE (literally)

Kiwi: “Tips for having sex at a festival. Hm. Wear protection and fuck who you wanna fuck. No restrictions. 

Pink Eyeshadow: “My tip is that the other person's pleasure is your priority. Not yours. Not yours, babe. The other person.”

Kiwi: You are in power. Women control…everything. Thank you. ”

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