The Milky Way

Since I’ve never had a baby burst from my vagina, I don’t really know much about lactating breasts. I know the basics: nutritious white stuff gushes from a mom’s fun bags into the mouth of a little wormy looking human, but I’ve never learnt much beyond that. Probably because whenever I see a tiny human’s head pushed up against a large squishy breast my mind goes blank except for the awkward realization that I feel sort of horny.

I was reminded of my longstanding curiosity about breastfeeding when I recently read about Emma Kwasnica, an outspoken mother and “breastfeeding activist” from Vancouver who’s been in the news recently because Facebook removed a bunch of pictures she’d posted of her kids breastfeeding on the grounds they were “sexually explicit.” Emma thinks that’s a massive bummer because it disables the average person’s access to breastfeeding education and messes up people’s thinking about what it’s really all about. I decided to ask Emma some questions I’ve always wanted to know.

Why do you think some people see breastfeeding as dirty and gross?

Two reasons; first, when people see a woman breastfeeding in public exerting freedom and taking charge of her own body it makes people crazy. And second, we’ve over-sexualized the boob and strayed from our mammal roots to the extent we can’t even see a baby on the end of one without people freaking out.

I was watching some breastfeeding documentaries earlier and I was feeling very sexually confused. I think that’s because most of the time I see a pair of ripe gazongas I think “sexy time.”

That’s normal. Yes boobs are sexy, but not all cultures see breasts as attractive. There are places in Africa where the women go completely topless and breasts are seen exclusively as sources of comfort and food. The men there are more attracted to rump and thighs and laugh at Western men who are so obsessed with breasts. Like, did they not get their fill when they were young boys? North American culture has sex issues. We can have sexy breasts and functional breasts, believe me – I’m married to a Frenchman. I know how it is.

I have actually read about some women who will put their kid on one boob and their man on the other. Have you heard of that?

I don’t think that’s uncommon. There’s a great quote that says “Breasts are scandalous because they shatter the border between motherhood and sexuality.” Any discomfort someone may have arises from lack of engagement with or understanding of that juxtaposition.

Do you think depriving children of breastfeeding causes them to have hang-ups about boobs later?

Being bottle fed rather than nursed could cause some sort of deep misunderstanding, definitely. But it’s hard to say. I have my own theories. I’m a bit of a fag hag and have quite a few man friends who are gay and interestingly none of them were breastfed. I mean being gay is not just how you bring kids up and I know there is nature and nurture at play there, but I am interested in that connection.

Photo from Josefina Schatz

When I was showing some of my friends your pictures they were mostly put off by how old your daughter is. What is breastfeeding older kids with teeth all about?

Our society isn’t there yet and most people who do it keep it private in the home, but in many places it flies. For older kids it’s not about strict nutritional things anymore because at that age they’ve long been eating steak. There are antibodies in the milk but honestly I nursed my eldest daughter until she was five and for her it was just a calming moment, a time for a comforting cuddle with mom.

So you believe breastfeeding older children is normal?

It’s normal for people to feel uncomfortable about it. It’s really a North American hang up that we want our babies to be autonomous very quickly.

Is it different breastfeeding a boy versus a girl?

Yes, but not because they’re actually any different but just because our society would consider it much more scandalous if a boy were to breastfeed to a late age. Other cultures actually breastfeed their boys longer than girls because they want them to be stronger.

Breastfeeding feels really good, doesn’t it? I’ve heard it described as “orgasmic.”

Some women struggle with breastfeeding and they find it uncomfortable, but for the majority of women yeah, it should feel good. Some women feel it very distinctly as a pulling feeling from inside of their breast that they can feel just before their milk is about to spray. Nature makes breastfeeding feel good so it’s something you’d want to do. It’s actually the same hormone, oxytocin, that is released when you’re giving birth as when you’re breastfeeding as when you’re orgasming. It controls all three. If it’s all the same underpinning of hormones, then maybe we should accept that it doesn’t have to be so strictly separate. Like maybe sex is something that feels good as breastfeeding is something that feels good? We’re so hung up on shame.

Maybe, but it’s not like we should all be having sex in public all the time either. In any case, don’t you think there a point where a parent should be responsible and say, okay kiddo, it’s getting a bit weird now?

It’s hard to say. I think it depends on the child. My daughter is eight and she still talks very fondly about it and says she misses it. She will have that memory forever. Just the other day she said “Aw, I still wish I nursed.” And who wouldn’t want to drink a sweet milk drink while sitting in their mom’s lap? C’mon. We all need to get our heads out of the gutter. A woman can fully compartmentalize when she is having sex with her husband or whatever and then just cuddling with her kids.

Yet as you said oxytocin links breastfeeding and sexual pleasure. It makes them inseparable, even.

Yes, and we can’t deny our mammal selves! Oxytocin is all about bonding. The largest rush of oxytocin a woman will ever have in her life is right after birth. After that she will never ever again have that kind of oxytocin high. That’s why everyone says the moment after birth feels really good because you have all these endorphins and oxytocins flowing and you’re on top of the moon.

I guess that’s nature’s way of making you love your baby rather than wanting to throw it in the dumpster for tearing your vagina apart.

Oh yes. I had completely forgotten about the pain within a day. It’s pretty incredible. There’s another thing new breastfeeding mothers aren’t usually told about. Because of the linking of the oxytocin, sometimes when you’re having sex and you orgasm your breasts may let down and you’ll get milk spraying everywhere as you come. Some moms are really shocked when they’re doing it and milk starts spraying everywhere.

Holy shit…

Yeah! Now can tell your boyfriend what you have to look forward to, right? The milk during orgasm thing hasn’t happened to me, but it has happened to some of my friends. The milk just becomes another part of sex.

What does breast milk taste like?

Oh, it’s very tasty and sweet. It’s nothing like formula. If you’ve tasted formula, breast milk is like 100 times better, like ice cream. But it changes sometimes. My kid the other day, she’s four, she told me she wasn’t really liking my milk so I asked what’s wrong and she said “It just tastes plain today.” It’s cool when your kid can finally talk and tell you what it’s like.