Is it Weird to Fantasise About Having Sex Against My Will?

This piece originally appeared on VICE Netherlands.

Ask VICE is a series where readers ask VICE to solve their problems, from dealing with unrequited love to handling annoying flatmates. Today, we’re hoping to help a reader who struggles to make sense of some of her deepest desires.

Hi VICE,

I'm in my final year of university and doing better than ever. I have nice friends, my studies are going well and so is dating. But there’s one thing that bothers me: I never really enjoy sex. To be perfectly honest, I never have. 

My deepest sexual fantasy is to be “raped” - well, I call it rape but it's complicated. In my fantasy, I'm drugged by my date who does whatever he wants with my body. But I also want this to happen in a safe environment with my consent. The idea that a random person would force me to have sex truly horrifies me. 

Until now, I’ve never dared to tell my partners my ultimate fantasy. I’m afraid of judgement and I’m not quite sure how to propose the idea. Right now, when I have sex I imagine it being against my will. Sometimes I tell the other person that I’m “really tired” but he can “go on”, but they usually take it as a subtle rejection. Someone once told me it would make them feel “gross” - that didn’t help.

Sometimes I think to myself: ‘Why am I being such a prude? It's just a fantasy, a form of BDSM.’ But other times, I think of all the people being sexually abused on a daily basis and that, as a feminist, I should be ashamed of turning their trauma into my fantasy. 

I often think back to my teenage years: Back then, I couldn’t fully enjoy sex either. At our school girls were slut shamed, so I felt embarrassed for “giving in” to it. After a one-night stand, girls would no longer be considered “special” - and I wanted to be special. 

What I’m wondering is: Do my sexual desires stem from a twisted idea of sex? In other words, is there something wrong with me? And if there’s nothing wrong, how can I tell my dates about these fantasies? 

Cheers,

K.

Hi K., 

Rape fantasies are one of the most common sexual fantasies among women. A 2009 study conducted on 355 women found that 62 percent of them had fantasised about being raped at some point in their lives. The majority said they thought about it multiple times a year, while 14 percent thought about it weekly. Another 2018 survey of 4,175 people found that two-thirds of women have rape fantasies, compared to half of men.

Former clinical psychologist and professor Leon F. Seltzer, who researches this type of fantasy, believes calling them “rape fantasies” is actually incorrect. Research shows people with these fantasies only find the idea of being consensually forced into sex exciting, but are repulsed by ​​actually being raped – something you also expressed in your letter. Seltzer adds that rape is a horrific experience for anyone, regardless of their sexual fantasies.

Instead, the term Consensual Non-Consent or CNC, which originated in the BDSM community, is more appropriate. In CNC, a clear distinction is made between actual rape, fantasising about having sex against your will in your head and role-playing non-consensual sex - where one person plays the predator and the other takes on the role of “the victim”.

But even with these important distinctions, CNC can be quite complicated to navigate. How do you know what you really like? How do you set boundaries while role playing a sex act where boundaries are intentionally violated? And what’s behind these confusing desires?

According to sexologist Yuri Ohlrichs, CNC fantasies are not about violence, but rather a need for total surrender. “They revolve around the desire to be dominated,” Ohlrichs explains. “You give yourself to someone else completely - with consent. That's not what happens during rape.” That’s why having these fantasies can go hand-in-hand with taking to the streets to demonstrate against violence against women - it says nothing about how feminist you are. 

In a 2021 article for Psychology Today, professor David W. Wahl explains there can be several reasons why someone gravitates towards CNC. In very rare cases, role-playing sexual violence is a way to take back control after experiencing sexual trauma. For others, CNC fantasies can be a guilt-free way to experience forms of sexuality that are often stigmatised in society - including rough sex. Aka because you’re “forced” in the fantasy, you don’t feel the responsibility for the behaviour. Many people are interested in CNC simply because they’re sexually adventurous- that’s especially true for people who are confident and sex-positive.

One 2012 survey of 355 women tested these last two ideas, adding a third called “desirability theory” which hadn’t been researched before. According to the third theory, an attraction to CNC could be explained by the idea that in the fantasy, women are so attractive and irresistible their partner can’t control themselves. Meaning, the fantasy could both be “a source of sexual arousal and a means of supporting her self-esteem”. 

Interestingly, the survey found no evidence for the theory that people experience these fantasies as a way to avoid guilt. They found moderate support for the desirability theory and strong support for sexual adventurousness. The results also show that people generally interested in sex and sexual experimentation had these fantasies more often.

When it comes to broaching the subject with your partner, try to take some of the pressure off them. You can start by simply sharing what you like and telling them they don’t need to act on the fantasy anytime soon – or even ever. Then ask them how they feel about your desires and be open to questions: Be prepared for a bad or a mixed reaction, and make space for your partner’s feelings to change over time. 

On top of being empathetic to them, you should be kind to yourself, too. If you don’t believe there’s anything wrong with what you want, stand up for yourself if a partner tries to shame you or make you feel bad. It’s so important to pick someone you feel safe with before you actually try role-playing CNC – it has to be on your terms for you to really enjoy it. 

As always, communication is paramount. Before anything happens, you should both agree on what exactly you’re comfortable with - and a safe word. Keep in mind your partner may not be comfortable with all aspects of your fantasy, and you need to respect that. 

In your letter, you’ve described the idea of being drugged as one of your ultimate fantasies. “You may find that idea particularly exciting, but is the drug itself necessary?” Olrichs asks. Instead of actually taking something, which can be quite tricky and dangerous, Olrichs supports your idea of trying to have sex when you're a little sleepy - try agreeing on it in advance, rather than in the moment.

Just like with any other BSDM sex act, aftercare is very important. That can range from talking about the experience together, tending to potential wounds or simply taking a moment to take it all in. You can find specific guidelines online for how to take care of you and your partner after an intense scene.

Exploring CNC isn't all that different from discovering your sexuality in general – as long as you have fun and take your time setting healthy boundaries with your partner, you're doing well.

@djanpringels