Day Jobs - Justin Finch From Fanfarlo

Justin Finch, bassist of Fanfarlo. He said he was the only one in the band worth talking to because “everyone else had pretty boring jobs.”

Like its literary band name Fanfarlo (reference to a Charles Baudelaire novella), the members of this indie pop group are cute, bookish creatures who tinker with old instruments and sing about lakes and reservoirs. So you’d probably expect them to have day jobs of that caliber too, right? Like maybe a bookkeeper? Palm reader? Antique store owner? (I wanted to name one more occupation that rhymed with “antique store owner” but all I could think of were “boner,” “moaner,” and “stoner.”)

Actually, the other members of Fanfarlo probably were one/all of the above, which is why I was thrown completely off-guard when bassist Justin Finch told me his old day job consisted of piercing old dudes’ dicks. Today, he’s a lovable-looking bearded dude in vintage glasses and suspenders, but back in the day, he used to drop E in industrial clubs, sell sex toys, and experiment with so much body modification that he now has what he calls a “Frankendick.”

NOISEY: Hi Justin! How do you make a living?

Justin: I’m just a musician now. Sometimes I charge people for tattoos, though. I taught myself to do it. I tattoo on my wife and all over my legs.

Are you actually good at it, or do you tattoo random, nondescript shapes?
No, they’re good! Let me show you… Most of these are cult imagery.

Oh wow, they are good! Isn’t it difficult to do that on yourself upside down?
No, it’s fine.

Do you do other body modification work?
I was a body piercer. I also used to co-run an online sex and fetish shop. We were one of the only extreme fetish body piercers in Kent, England.

What does that entail?
Basically we got a lot of old dudes who wanted bars through their penises. They also bought other items, like masks.

So before you were in Fanfarlo, you handled schlongs all day?
Ha, yeah! I remember one time I chased after my intern while wearing a strap-on.

Wait, what? [Laughs] Why were you in a strap-on in the first place?
Well, just for fun. There were a lot of things we kept in stock in the back, so we were just going through them.

Oh, I thought you were wearing one to practice piercing dicks on.
[Laughs] No, I wouldn’t practice on store items.

What’s the strangest item you’ve sold in this store?
Fuck, I forgot what it’s called but I think it was something like “wizard sword.” [Ed: a Google search didn’t turn up anything] It looks like a cop’s night stick and if you have a Prince Albert piercing, which is a piercing out of the bottom of your penis, it’s basically a four-inch bar that goes all the way into your urethra. And a nightstick handle comes out of the bottom of your penis and you screw a ball into that.

I don’t quite understand.
Yeah, me neither. I would never want anything shoved that far down my fucking urethra.

Would you consider fetish piercing a personal passion?
I mean, body piercing was a personal passion of mine. I was a hairdresser first but I got sick of that so I got into piercing accidentally. I was 18 then and heavily pierced myself. Then the woman who owned the piercing parlor started selling dildos and what have you. I guess I like dildos – but who doesn’t?

How does your wife feel about your interest in dildos?
Ha! She’s a lovely wallflower. I have not defiled her with a dildo. (I hope she doesn’t read this.) No, but I wasn’t heavily into fetish. It was fun as an aesthetic, but I don’t like to be chained up or anything like that.

What is the greatest number of penises you had to deal with a day?
Only like two, actually. Body piercers – even extreme ones – make their bread and butter by piercing tongues and bellybuttons. I used to hang around with a lot of misfits back then, and we’d want to get anything pierced. We’d pierce eyebrows horizontally and stuff.

Some piercings I don’t really get, including the genital ones.
It’s a weird one for sure. For some people, it’s extra sexual stimulant. For others, it’s an aesthetic thing – it’s cute to them. I had a piercing down there too but more or less because I wanted to see what it was like to have my dick pierced. It got ripped out, actually.

Ahh! No! Ow! What! How?!
It wasn’t a major piercing, but it just got… torn out.

Was it the most painful thing ever?
No, I’ve experienced much more painful things. This seems a million miles away from what I do now. I’m not very into piercings anymore.

I can see that just from looking at you. Nothing about Fanfarlo’s music could have clued me into your past occupation, either.
I know. I actually make my own music under the name The Castle, which sort of nods back to that time in my life though. It’s dark electronic music, like EBM and industrial. I used to listen to that back then. I know it’s sometimes cringe-worthy, but at the time I just liked going out and dropping E. I used to wear a lot of makeup and strange clothes too.

And I continue to find out unexpected things about your past life!
I know; it’s strange because I’m an overweight, bearded man now.

Justin with Fanfarlo’s lake-loving lead singer, Simon Balthazar.

Again, how are you going to explain this to your wife if she happens to stumble upon this article?
[Laughs] She knows everything about me. Well, most stuff.

I’m sure you’ve had to explain all your old piercing scars, right?
Exactly. My dick is like Frankendick!

TMI!
It’s terrifying.

Anyway, before we put weird images into my head, what have you tattooed on your wife?
I tattooed a heart on both of our wrists when we got married. She’s American, so I tattooed her an eagle with an American flag. I’ve also tattooed a peacock and a swallow. She was a bit of an emo girl back in the day – proper Midwestern emo.

What would you consider the main demographic of your past customers?
They were usually old squares. That reminds me, one of my ex-girlfriends was an Iranian virgin who had never uttered a swear word in her life. Yet she had three rings in her labia that were each 6mm wide. She had her clitoral hood stretched. Bear in mind, this is a girl who had never had sex… until I met her, that is [laughs]. I suppose it’s a release for people who don’t have this outward expression of vulgarity.

I guess you never know until their clothes are off. If you weren’t making music, do you think you’d still be working at that piercing parlor slash sex store?
No, I think I’d go back to my bookstore job. I used to run the fiction section and philosophy section for seven years. That was definitely my favorite job.

Well, at least we can somewhat restore your bookish reputation.

@kristenyoonsoo

Previously - Debunking Tennis' Uber-Precious Creation Myth