Hot Dog and the Lady Bun - Dating Advice

We answer your pathetic questions about dating, loneliness, and your inevitable failure. First, meet your experts!

Hot Dog

Congratulations, dudes and guys with glasses, you’ve just starting reading the most powerful dating tool in the world, second only to the Bible. My name is Kurt Braunohler (aka Hot Dog) and I’ll be your brah-guide on this wild, lonely ride called “reading about how to date.” I know a whole shit ton about the art of fuck-sticking (that’s what I call dating) so you can totally trust me. For instance, did you know that 90% of women can't tell the difference between Old Spice and nutmeg soaked in rubbing alcohol? I can teach you how to make your very own “Moon Spice!” And ladies, a woman who doesn’t know how a guy thinks is like a ding-dong in a doorbell factory – nobody needs it. So listen up! Dating is a battlefield; you need a plan, you need courage, and you need a gun. Think of this advice as your gun… and your canteen. It’s like a gun-canteen that you can drink out of, to survive, and then shoot with, to kill. Now let’s start slinging the advice hash!

The Lady Bun

Hello, single gal! How are you (besides “sad”)? Before going on this exciting journey out of Lonely Ville and into Doin’ it Town, let me introduce myself. My name is Albertina (aka The Lady Bun), and I’m here to teach you about men based on what I’ve learned in movies and from common house pets. So, slap on some lipstick, put down that doughnut hole and stop weeping in the tub. You’re about to take control of your life and then give all of that control away to someone you’re having sex with! Get ready for that super scary roller coaster we call DATING. Oh, and boys, I have a lot of advice for you too because my middle toe is shaped slightly like a penis.

Dear Hot Dog and The Lady Bun, I’m a smart single guy but I can’t seem to meet anyone. Living in New York, I especially have a hard time at bars where I don’t know how to approach women. How do people meet each other in bars?!?!

 – Babar the Lonely Elephant

Hot Dog says:
Dear Babar, great question. Remember, in a bar you’re a hunter on friendly ground. The bar is your forest: your camouflage is a smile, the drinks are your weapons, and the prey scare easy so don’t just up and grab them (it’s often deemed illegal). Here are some quick tips to get your flirt on at the drinkey-hole.

●  Try bringing a trophy with you. It’s a great conversation starter, and will immediately let women know that you’ve won at least one thing in your life.
●  If you’re sitting next to a lady, try asking the bartender if they can break a hundred. When he says yes, say, “Show me.” This will make you appear strong and confident, but not too braggy, since you don’t have a $100 bill yourself.
●  Ladies want a guy who’s reliable but not boring. Why not spend some time building a funky birdhouse out of cocktail straws at the bar?
●  The mirror behind the bar is a great way to check people out; bring binoculars and tell everyone you’re “birding.”
●  Women spook easily, so bring a bush into the bar and hide behind it while slowly sneaking up on a lady you fancy. Then jump out from behind it and yell, “Conversation surprise!”

Once you’ve got your sweet poon-target in site, here’s some sample ice-breakers to crack the frozen conversation lake!

●  You smell great. Like a cross between my mom and a stripper – the only women I truly understand.”
●   I love adventures, such as rock climbing and doing cocaine in public.”
●   You know, I breast fed until I was five, so I’m very confident and know a lot about tits. Yours are great. Any kids attached to those?” (Point to her chest.)

The Lady Bun says:
Babar, it’s not just men who find talking to strangers in dark bars intimidating. Women do too. And based on the fact that your name is from a French children’s book, you’re half girl anyway.

Ladies, the reason people call bars “meat markets” is because they are expensive and filled with blood. You want to make sure you go in there feeling like the best piece of meat in town. In fact, try yelling “I’m a skirt steak!” at least once a day. The secret to meeting guys at bars is never letting them think they’ve got you all figured out. You want to show them that there is more to you than meets the eye, even though they probably won’t care either way. You see, men are visual creatures, so meeting them is a lot like Show and Tell day at school, except without all the “tell” parts. (Hot Tip: Men hate it when you talk!)

●  Because bars tend to be dark, make sure you put on a TON of makeup on so you really “pop.” Dress up that face like you’re a clown. A “fuck-clown,” if you will.
●  Make a lot of hand gestures so that guys know you’re fun and animated. Like this:

●  When a guy tells you his name, slap a fiver on the bar and scream, “Prove it, ‘BRIAN’!” (Hot Tip: Men like a challenge.)
●  Eau de Toilette is French for “Smells Better Than a Toilet.” Make yourself smell like something a man wants by rubbing smoked almonds all over your neck before heading to the bar.

After following any of the above, someone is sure to approach you. But what’s your next step? How about saying something! Try some of the suggestions below to get words out of your pie hole and wiener into your pee hole.

●  How often do you come to this bar? I come to all bars ALL THE TIME.”
●  Do you like your whiskey on the rocks? Funny, that’s how I like my relationships!” (Laugh hysterically to yourself.)
●  Do you have kids? I was a mom for about three months until I found out I was pregnant and made the appointment.”

Well that was fun! You learned a lot and we got paid a very small amount of money! Do you need advice? Direct your questions here. We need that loose change the way you need loose pussy!

Follow Hot Dog and The Lady Bun on twitter @kurtbraunohler and @albz