23 Things You Should Know About Dating by the Time You’re 23

By 23 you will have learned a few crucial life lessons. For example, even if you change coats, the bouncer is still going to remember the first time you tried to get in the club. Hairdressers never listen. No matter what people say, there is no way to slice an onion without it stinging your eyes. 

And yet, despite all this knowledge, one big glaring blindspot remains, an aspect of life that continues, no matter your efforts, to allude you: dating. This practice has no internal logic; you think you understand it and then it wiggles out from underneath you. To help you in some way, here are 23 things you should have – but almost definitely haven’t – learned by now about dating.

The only two dates that exist are: going for a drink or going for a walk. Anything else is wrong, sorry. 

You could wait a few hours or a few months – if they’re going to lose interest after sex, they’re going to lose interest after sex.

It’s not because you’ve got huge calves, it’s not because of the spot on your forehead, it’s because dating is the pits right now. 

There’ll be photos of: them and their ex, their jawline looking terrible, their vacation where they wore a T-shirt saying “Creepy Pete” or something else vile on the back.

Yeah, they might not text, but if you don’t take these small moments of joy then you’ll lose your mind.

Maybe he is bad with his phone. Or maybe he lost interest since you went on about your urine infection. You’ll never know!

Instead of sitting inside, biting your nails off and waiting for them to text, take a deep breath, think ‘their loss’ and go out with your friends. 

As Self Esteem said, “Just don’t.”

Even the most Neanderthal of my male friends thinks it’s attractive. 

It might make them like you, but eventually you have to be with each other and if that was your foundation it won’t work.

Don’t help them find their phone charger, you will be enlisted in the search every time from there on out.

If you feel absolutely sick without them, if you cannot eat anymore, there’s probably something toxic going on that is making you like them that much. 

They will never compare and that will make you feel worse.

The flame react emojis are not signs, you are not star crossed lovers, he is hungover and bored.

The sooner you do it, the better.

They’ll spot the red flags that you’re missing. Like, yes he does interrupt you when you’re talking.

Imagination needs to be used when looking at Hinge profiles.

It’s not settling, it just means you’ve come to realise that bi men with small hoop earrings who like climbing walls are actually just impossible to date.

A lot of the time it’s the loss of hope that hurts, the future you drew in your head. 

That’s why even though it’s fun, you need to stop looking out of the bus window and fantasising about the two of you holding hands and walking around art galleries. 

They probably know someone but are scared of offending you or insinuating that you need it – just ask. To be cringe is to be free.

A comprehensive list of examples from my girlfriends: “Lawyer guy”, “Big Face”, “Big Head Small Face”, “Petrol Money”, “Big Bladder”.

You are not looking for a pen pal. Just ask them out!

Or you’ll spend the rest of your life thinking about the cute girl with the septum piercing who definitely was looking at you.

@annielord8