This post originally appeared on VICE UK.The Muslim holy month of Ramadan started this week. If you're Muslim, you know that already; it's quite a big deal—kind of like the Olympics, only it happens every year and involves focusing on worship, instead of pretending to know loads about competitive javelin throwing. If you're not a Muslim, but you do have a vague awareness of the world around you, you probably know about it too.
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As a Muslim observing Ramadan myself, I'm used to reading a lot of articles about how spiritually beneficial Ramadan is, and seeing thinkpieces from well-meaning non-Muslims about how great the month is, or—without fail, every single year—how Muslims manage to fast in countries where the sun never sets (as one of the ways you observe Ramadan is to abstain from food and water during daylight hours).While it would be great to spend the next 30 days in Mecca reading religious texts and thinking about spirituality and eating freshly made falafel as soon as the sun goes down, that's not the reality for many Muslims, who are more likely chained to their desks right now, waiting for access to some tedious Google Doc and trying not to think about pizza.So for you, friends, here's a short summary of the everyday experiences you're going to face during the holy month.Picture this: It's the first day of Ramadan. You're at your desk, wasting time you will later regret wasting. A copy of Metro is next to you, and one of the cover stories is: "How Muslims Manage to Fast in Countries Where the Sun Never Sets."Your colleague Neil sidles up and ask what this whole "ramdayan" thing is about. Exasperated, you explain: the history, the spiritual cleansing, and how you can't eat or drink (during daylight hours) for the month. "Not even water??" he will say, his eyes wide, his mouth agape, as if you've just told him a particularly spoiler-yGame of Thrones spoiler. "God, mate, won't you die if you do that?"
"NOT EVEN WATER?"
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You explain to him that: no, you won't—that the fact millions of Muslims routinely survive Ramadan should be evidence enough, but that even if you're dehydrated, you can't break fast. "Mate, I don't know if I could do that—your God better give you a good reward!"You're at the mosque after a long day with no caffeine. You're not feeling profoundly great, but it's the holy month—you're focusing on self improvement, and anyway, you'll be able to eat soon. To take your mind off things while you wait for prayers to begin, you start scrolling through the football scores on your phone."Brother, what are you doing?" says a bearded man in long white robes. "It's Ramadan—you should be focusing on Allah, not what's going on on your phone."You look up to see it's Hassan. Last week, Hassan insisted you called him "Skemz" and said he could do you a Henry for a tenner as a "Ramadan special." Hassan usually sells weed and MD, but for this month, he'll become a Ramadan Bro—the type of guy who'll read one passage from the Qu'ran and then spend all night telling you about it, as if he's suddenly an oracle of all things Islam.For this month—and this month only—he'll go on at you about growing your beard longer and abandoning Western clothing. "Inshallah you will learn to let go of the vices of the world," he'll say, before packing it all in on Eid, logging back into Instagram, and posting selfies where he's holding a wad of $50 bills, captioned with 2 Chainz lyrics.
RAMADAN BROS ARE THE WORST PEOPLE ON EARTH
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THERE'LL ALWAYS BE THAT ONE GUY
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