Worse Ideas Than Cropped, Flared Pants

Here is a compete list of worse ideas than cropped, flared pants. Anything not included on this list should be considered a better idea.

|
Oct 15 2015, 9:10pm

Photo of flared jeans via Topshop

After the tyrannical summer reign of the culotte, it seemed that we were safe. The wide-legged, patterned bandits appeared ready to be replaced with some new fall staples, perhaps trendier and more 70s-inspired than some of us would like, but certainly not a jersey culotte, and so we were out of the woods. Sure, corduroy was happening again, and it's not the most flattering fabric in the world, but it's cosy and has a certain OshKosh B'gosh comfort to it. And fine, wide leg pants are very much still present, but a full-length leg means you can work something out with heels or flatforms or something, if you must. And those of us uninterested can just put on one of those button-front A-line skirts that you're required by law to sell in three colours if you're a fashion retailer in October 2015.

And yet.

Monki Cropped Jeans via ASOS

This autumn has wrought a new, crueler torment: cropped, flared pants. Designed at no one's request with no one in mind, these look good on no one and contribute nothing to any ensemble. Pop a pair of these on and you will have cold shins and wide calves, a brightly patterned camel toe and a strong whiff of "Delia's model fallen on hard times." Somehow, despite all this, these pants are everywhere. Below, please find a compete list of worse ideas than cropped, flared pants. Anything not included on this list should be considered a better idea.

- Blackface Halloween costumes

- Steampunk

- Talking to your elderly uncle about reproductive rights

- White short shorts with flared, crochet overlay

- Keeping your ex's phone number "for when we're friends again"

- "Festival fashion"

- Slow jams at karaoke

- Flirting via celebrity impression

- "Fun" voicemail messages

- Actually committing to a cleanse

- Dating a freegan

- Telling someone they're "good on Twitter"

- Reading the comments

- Participating in the comments

- Publicly declaring yourself "not a feminist" during the press junket for your major motion picture

- Trying out new slang in front of coworkers

- Not using the condom "for a bit"

- Flared, cropped cargo pants

- Flared, cropped "pants," UK version (undies)

- Adult subtweeting

- Sitting next to someone on the subway without leaving the distance of a courtesy seat

- Lifestyle blogging

- Suspenders

- Group email chains

- Acoustic covers of hip hop songs

- Ukulele covers of any song

- Making a big deal about how you're "about to start exercising"

- "Just to play Devil's Advocate for a second..."

- Clogs

[NB: this is a comedy article. There is no idea worse than cropped, flared pants.**

**except for flared, cropped cargo pants, obviously.]