After suffering chronic yeast infections for years, I thought all-natural THC lubricant would be the answer to my prayers. Instead, it put me in the depths of a hell of my own making.
All photos courtesy of the author
I got my first yeast infection at age 11, right after my first period. I was in middle school, which made the experience all the more hellish. I remember realizing that I was "becoming a woman"—though I didn't exactly know what that meant—and desperately trying to convince myself that the things happening to my body were good and positive. I took comfort in the fact that soon this would all lead to me having boobs.
My vagina was a bloody, yeasty war zone. To top it all off, I wasn't even old enough to understand what was happening. Though I had been through sex-ed—and I had been raised by a mother who firmly believed in blunt honesty when talking with children about sex—no one thought to tell me about yeast infections. I began to wonder if this is just what it's like to have a vagina: Maybe all grown women experience this kind of pain in their vaginas all the time, and it's only bothering me because I'm not used to it, or because I am a wimp? But soon I told my mother about the itching and burning, and she explained what was going on. This was followed by a traumatizing experience involving my mother inserting a little egg shaped ball of anti-fungal cream into my vagina.
These yeast infections annoyingly persisted, and when I became sexually active with my first boyfriend around age 15, the frequency increased dramatically. This is when I discovered that my vagina is allergic to just about everything: all latex condoms and 99 percent of store bought lubricants will cause me to have a crippling yeast infection.
My natural predisposition towards getting yeast infections, combined with my historically slutty behavior and extreme passivity in terms of telling my partners when something is going to give me a yeast infection, has caused me to have at least one per month for my entire adult life. (Thankfully, I'm in a committed relationship now and I am past the point of being too embarrassed to tell my boyfriend when something is going to set my vagina on fire. I'm proud to say that I haven't had a yeast infection for a few months now, which is truly a blessing. Please congratulate me on this next time you see me.)
I love the idea of consuming THC through my vagina, but the weed lube was just not having the psychoactive effects on me that edibles normally have.
When I heard about Foria, an all-natural coconut oil-based marijuana lubricant, I thought it would be life changing. It felt like the product was made specifically for me, because it combined my three favorite things in the entire world: weed, sex, and coconut oil—the only lubricant I've ever been able to use without getting a yeasty.
I got a bottle of Foria as soon as I could and ran home, excited to test it out. Following the instructions, I squatted pants-less over my toilet and sprayed the lubricant all over my clitoris, inner labia, outer labia and the inside of my vagina. And while I have heard rave reviews about Foria from people who are generally not into being stoned, I'm super into being stoned. I did feel a euphoric relaxing sensation in my body and genitals during sex with Foria, but I was disappointed that I wasn't actually high. I love the idea of consuming THC through my vagina, but the weed lube was just not having the psychoactive effects on me that edibles normally have.
So I did what any normal stoner would do in this situation: I drank the lube.
Now, this isn't as irrational as it sounds. When I bought the bottle of Foria at my local dispensary, the budtender, a young woman about my age, mentioned that she also purchased a bottle and then quickly realized that she had spent $80 on a bottle of lube but didn't have anyone to have sex with. She told me that she'd experimented with spraying it in her mouth and realized that it does, in fact, get you high. Hearing this was a huge comfort for me. Even if i didn't like it as lubricant, at the very least I could spray some in my mouth and catch a buzz, right?
I did what any normal stoner would do in this situation: I drank the lube.
But when it comes to edibles, my thing has generally been eating two to three times more than what my budtender recommends. They will usually say something like, "Only eat one-fourth of this cookie because it's very strong" and I immediately assume that they're talking down to me. I get defensive and angry when people think I can't handle my drugs, which inevitably leads me to eat the entire edible to "prove them wrong." I know this reaction is insane and illogical; even if the dispensary employees see me coming into their store multiple times per week, it is their job to know how strong the products are and to warn their customers about it so they don't have a bad time. They always know better than me, yet I never, ever listen.
The experience I had drinking Foria, however, was in a completely different category from my other experiences with edibles. A bottle of Foria has 450mg of THC in it. I didn't know this. A suggested dose for most edibles is about 25 mg and that is already a lot, if you ask me; if I was going to give an edible to a friend who didn't smoke as much weed as me, and I wanted them to have a nice time, I would probably give them 10 or 15 mg. Well, I drank the entire bottle. All 450mg of THC down my idiotic gullet. I assumed it had very little THC in it, and that's why it didn't get me high when I put it in my vagina. As it turns out, that was just because THC is absorbed differently through your vagina than through your digestive system.
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I was still undressed and in a state of disarray from the sex we just had, when my boyfriend came out of the bathroom and saw me furiously glancing at the Foria bottle I had just drank with horror and disgust.
"What's wrong?" he said, probably assuming I felt another yeast infection coming on.
"I drank it," I said, tears welling up in my eyes.
"You drank a bottle of lube...," he said flatly, sounding not at all surprised to find out that's what I had done.
"Yeah," I said. '"It has 45 times the recommended dose of THC in it, which I didn't realize when I drank it, and now I'm afraid."
My boyfriend comforted me by mentioning how it was almost time to go to bed, anyway, so the worst case scenario would be waking up a little groggy the next day, right? No. Nope—I was high for the next three days. Three full days. As I write this now, I still sort of feel like I am coming down.
I woke up with potato chips all over my body.
But when I'm not writing, I work as a nanny; the next day I was due to wake up at 6 AM and go take care of an extremely high-energy infant until 8 PM. Right before the Foria kicked in, I went into crisis mode and begged the baby's other nanny to cover for me. Thank god she agreed to cover, otherwise I would probably be dead from living out every stoner's worst nightmare: being in charge of someone else's baby while too stoned to function. However, I wasn't entirely saved: that night, I had what felt like one 12-hour-long nightmare about repeatedly losing the baby in various situations. I lost the baby in a mall, in a movie theater, at my high school, in my ex-boyfriend's house, etc.
I woke up the next morning and cried at my boyfriend about how badly I didn't want to go to Disneyland, despite the fact that we had no plans to go to Disneyland that day or ever. After calming me down, he tucked me back into bed with a big bag of salt and vinegar potato chips and turned on Gilmore Girls. After hallucinating that Lauren Graham's face was morphing into Ryan Gosling's face for just a few seconds at a time, such that nobody besides me had ever noticed, I proceeded to nap for four hours. I woke up with potato chips all over my body, then asked my boyfriend to help wash me off in the shower because I didn't feel capable of doing that on my own. I also vaguely remember having a mild panic attack about the fact that I didn't know where our cat was. We don't have a cat.
The next few days are a blur of snacking and crying. There are 10 text threads on my phone that I don't remember typing and mysterious empty bags of Cheetos strewn about my apartment.
Drinking Foria Weed Lube:
Rating: 2 out of 5 stars
Notes: I do not recommend drinking a full bottle of any kind of lube, including and especially not weed lube. Although, a few sprays of the weed lube in your mouth would probably lead to a mild, pleasant high.