The Broadly Guide to Star Wars

Alderaan is Princess Leia's home planet that was blown up by the Death Star as a demonstration of its power in Episode 4: A New Hope. Leia demonstrates female fortitude and strength with a quick recoup and digs her heels in against the evil Galactic Empire.

Boba Fett is a bounty hunter with four lines in the entire trilogy, and yet this exists. I can guarantee you there are people (i.e., men) out there who've written their entire college thesis on how amazing Boba Fett is and how even Darth Vader respected him, but the truth is that Boba Fett was a creep and a predator. After Han Solo cleverly escaped Darth Vader's grasp, Fett trailed the rebels to Cloud City, and led the evil Sith lord there, too. Thanks to him, Han Solo was frozen, encased in carbonite, and given to Jabba the Hut as a decorative wall hanging.

"Chewie" is a Wookie and Han Solo's best friend. Is it weird to be attracted to a Wookie? Because Chewbacca is hot. Whether it's his hair or his infallible loyalty, we'd go "all the way" to to this bearded beast's home world any day of the week.

Anakin Skywalker is the prince of emo and angst, the Conor Oberst of Star Wars. In his young adulthood, Anakin was like any father-to-be: He had anxious dreams of becoming a parent and even had a nightmare about his partner Padme's death. Senator Palpatine, the Phantom Menace—the evil Galactic Emperor—tricked young Skywalker by perversely interpreting his nightmare to be a prophecy. The ever-wallowing Anakin bought into Palpatine's lies, turning to the Dark Side and becoming Darth Vader in a twisted attempt to save Padme's life. Anakin then proceeded to slaughter toddler jedis, which understandably broke Padme's heart, stripping her of the will to live so that Palpatine's trickery became a self-fulfilling prophecy when she died during pregnancy. Good job, Anakin: Your own fear, anger, and need to control killed a woman.

Why a lot of little people got work in Star Wars. Anyone who dislikes Ewoks is a fool. Their funny, chattering, buck toothed mouths, teddy bear aesthetic, and leather hooded bibs are too cute to be criticized.

A movie that had better be exceptionally fucking good or else a nerd army is going to put a curse on one J.J. Abrams.

A really, really, really, rich dude. Did you know that the Star Wars franchise is worth $30 billion? Who gives a fuck about Jar Jar Binks now? Not George Lucas.

Han is a lovable chauvinist who originated negging. He's an asshole to Princess Leia, so naturally she falls in love with him. Unlike Vader, Han challenged his own selfishness, opting to join Luke and Leia in the rebellion against the evil Galactic Empire.

Anyone who hasn't seen Star Wars, or who claims not to like Star Wars.

A fat slug-like alien crime boss who probably rapes women, considering one of his weaknesses is described simply as "slave girls." Imagine being sandwiched within his slimy slug folds.

President of Lucasfilm and brand manager of the Star Wars franchise ever since Disney took it over back in 2012 for the bargain rate of $4 billion. Before that, she was a film producer of over 60 films, including E.T., Indiana Jones, Jurassic Park, The Goonies, Who Framed Roger Rabbit, The Money Pit, Joe Versus The Volcano, Hook, Gremlins, and do we even need to continue? She's obviously the greatest woman of our time.

Where Anakin personified emo, his son Luke, despite being somewhat a loser, becomes a Jedi and stays one. At one point he has a crush on his sister Leia, and sure he didn't know she was his sister at the time but when he find this out, does it really bother him all that much?

You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.

When they went to make "Episode II: Attack of the Clones," Lucas and the film producers' daughters begged their dads to put them in the movie. Which is just …delightful. So now you know that Joey Fatone got to be a Jedi.

Obi-Wan was Anakin Skywalker's mentor before he turned into Darth Vader. He's also the reason Darth is a robot since he cut off his legs and an arm with a light saber. Later, Obi-Wan becomes Luke's mentor but doesn't tell him that Darth is his father. His first confrontation with Anakin as Darth Vadar leads to his death, which seems to have been planned because then he becomes a powerful ghost who tells Luke really smart things like "Don't trust science, just use magic."

Hair icon and the only woman who will ever be able to pull off a gold metal bikini.

Qui Gon is a father figure to Obi Wan, and an icon for anyone with daddy issues.

The real hero of every Star Wars movie. From funny clicking noises to whirring screams, and clever save-the-day tricks, R2 is loveable and heroic. Seriously, watch them all again and notice how many times this robot saved everyone's ass.

The Sith are demented religious extremists who kill innocent people, kind of like ISIS. The most famous Sith lord in Star Wars is Emperor Palpatine, aka Darth Sidious. There's this thing among the Sith called the Rule of Two meaning there can only ever be one master and one apprentice. The master has all the power, and the apprentice strives for it and eventually takes over one day by killing his master. So in this case the master was Emperor Palpatine and Darth Vader the apprentice. Sidious convinces Vader that they should bring Luke over to the dark side which really makes no sense because there can't be three of them. So Vader probably always knew that the Emperor meant to kill either him or his son.

The most iconic planet in all of Star Wars -- it's a desert planet beyond reach of the Empire probably because it's such a bitch to live there. It's the home planet of Anakin and Luke, and the entire thing is ruled by Jabba the Hutt. The name was inspired by Tatauione, Tunisia, and tourists are apparently so dumb that they wanted to go visit based on that minuscule connection alone. But apparently it's a hot bed for ISIS.

Both the Emperor and Darth Vader suffered disfiguring burns to their faces. It happened to the Emperor as he ascended to the throne during a dark side lightning fight against Mace Windu, the only black Jedi, in Episode 3. Mace is tragically murdered, but before he dies he deflects the Emperor's force lightning, which somehow shrivels up Palpatine's face like a bloated, white boiled toad. Anakin's limbs are severed in his fight against Obi-Wan, and then he is thrown to a lava river bank, which sets him aflame. Coincidence, or somehow a natural consequence of the dark side of the force?

The head of the Trade Federation who, as a conduit for Senator Palpatine's treachery, is the ultimate puppet, weak willed betrayer, and casual oppressor. A man who sought to undermine a female leader and enable the genocide of the inhabitants of Naboo, Viceroy is just the kind of guy who would passively submit to the patriarchy for his own gain.

C-3P0 says some seriously dumb shit and this is just one example. He's R2-D2's buddy and one half of the droid pair that everyone's looking for. I keep waiting for Lucas to come out and say he was a gay robot like when J.K. Rowling announced that Dumbledore was gay. Where R2D2 is calm in his loyal fight for the rebellion, C3PO is the ever-anxious asexualized handmaiden in a chic gold plated body suit and an electric-wiring waistbelt.

"X-Wing" was a Star Wars floppy disc computer game from the early 90s. And it was fantastic.

Yoda is a legendary Jedi Master and probably the most recognizable doll in the world. I even saw a Christmas lawn decoration blow-up Yoda at Home Depot the other day. When we first meet Yoda he passes himself off as a fuddy duddy mole person on a swamp planet who giggly fiddles with Luke's stuff before revealing that the Jedi Master Luke is looking for, he is.

The amount of respect I will have for you if the official trailer for "Star Wars: The Force Awakens" didn't make your nipples hard.