This holiday season, gift your loved one what's sure to be 2016's hottest sex toy.
Photo via Wikipedia Commons
A man is pumping into the woman wrapped around his waist as he effortlessly hovers across the room, like a god. She bounces up and down, moaning, while he glides in circles. This is one of the recent hoverboard sex videos that emerged across the web this winter. (Links to videos are NSFW.) In another, a woman squats on a hoverboard, floating in slow motion towards an erect penis that eventually glides easily into her mouth. Another scene in the same video depicts a woman bouncing back and forth against her mate with her butt raised. Even though hoverboards didn't exist until 2015, they are effortlessly integrated in each of these hoversex videos, as if we've always been doing it this way.
Hoverboards are a top holiday gift this year. Of course, the kind we've ended up with are a far cry from those we pictured in science fiction. Lexus built an "actual" hoverboard that floats, but it's really just a magnet, totally dependent upon special arenas to function. Brands like Segue and Sharper Image have created consumer-friendly crafts on wheels—they don't actually hover at all. However, regardless, nevertheless: Each model is it's adept at smooth, repetitive motion.
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From spacecraft floating over desert landscape in the original Star Wars trilogy to Marty McFly's sick tricks in Back to the Future, mankind has long fantasized about hovering. Technological advancement is a trademark of our evolutionary strides, but as our brains have bulged so too has our sexual creativity. It was only a matter of time before our latest gadget would become part of our sex lives. But does the hoverboard appeal to all, and what does it take to master the level of grace necessary to mate with it?
There is literally nothing sexy about a hoverboard. They're about as sexy as a boomerang.
Julie is in her mid-20s. She's never had sex on a hoverboard, but she's been on one before. Several were sent to the office where she works, and she's not impressed. "I like them in theory, but people go batshit crazy about them, and let's be honest, they're just kind of slightly upgraded skateboards." The hoverboard isn't particularly easy to maneuver, Julie explains. "They were super hard for me, but I'm not the most coordinated person out there."
Drew, a straight man also in his mid-20s, disagrees. "If someone has played sports or even video games as a child, then they possess the coordination to successfully ride a hoverboard and become freakishly good at it after like, 20 minutes," he says. For uncoordinated people like Julie, he thinks that freakish mastery is still possible, but may take an hour.
People are learning quickly. There's a man in Julie's office who she claims can do anything on a hoverboard. "I've seen him move couches, change lightbulbs. There is literally nothing Scott can't do on a hoverboard. So he is the limit."
Though sex is something she hasn't considered; if hoverboards are playing a role in the sex lives of other Americans, Julie doesn't understand why. "There is literally nothing sexy about a hoverboard. They're about as sexy as a boomerang."
Drew agrees that hoverboards, in and of themselves, are not hot. "I can't imagine anything sexy or even sexual about a hoverboard," he says. "The only way I could see them being interpreted as 'sexy' is in that sense of, 'Well I bought an expensive thing, so maybe you, stranger, might want to fuck me?'" It's possible that the sex appeal so many Americans find in hoverboards is akin to what makes a red convertible hot to some lusty car fans. "But hoverboards aren't even that expensive! They're like the Ed Hardy of shit you can put beneath your feet," Drew says.
I have asked my girlfriend at least three times if she'd be down to fuck while I was on my hoverboard.
Still, Drew accepts that there's an allure to hoversex, something about them he wants in the bedroom. "I have put a lot of thought into this," he explains, "and I have asked my girlfriend at least three times if she'd be down to fuck while I was on my hoverboard. Every time I ask she thinks I'm joking, and I am, but it's in one of those Nelly 'unless you gon' do it type of jokes."
Julie can't see it working. "Sex with a hoverboard? Can you even imagine? You'd have to have amazing abs to have that kind of balance and control." When asked about the configuration of hypothetical hoversex, Julie—who was unaware of the hoversex craze already brewing on certain porn sites—replied that if one were to attempt hoversex, the hoverboard rider would be on top.
To Drew, functional hoversex is less about your role and more about ensuring that at least one party is stationary, anchored down so that the hoverboarder can glide about to and fro. "I would assume it would be pretty easy as long as whoever was in the 'top' position was doing most of the movement," he says. Apparently it's practically impossible to stay still on top of a hoverboard. Drew lists various positions that may work, conjuring up his own millennial, hoverboardian Kama Sutra. "Two people could be standing fucking doggy style, and the person in the rear would have to move back and forth on the hoverboard," he explains. Alternatively, one partner could lay down while the hoverboarder penetrates them from behind. "If it was a M-F sex situation and the woman wanted to ride the hoverboard, the guy could probably lay on his back on the bed with his feet on the floor and the woman could be on the hoverboard and face either way."
The contention for and against sex on hoverboards is more heated than ever before. If hoverboards don't maintain the appeal and intrigue they're floating on today, this may be their climax. Julie is not impressed. "It's not enough like hovering for my taste," she says. "You're just rolling, to be honest. False advertising, people." If hoverboards don't advance, they may fade into obscurity, like any other fad. "Hoverboards are kind of like the 2015 selfie-stick. Pretty soon they'll be thrown out in the trash."
Whether hoverboards are a fad, or here to stay, hoversex is changing the world. Drew says that this phenomenon—and hoverboards in general—are complex. He maps out the interplay between gender and sex. To him, riding a hoverboard is a feminist act, something all men ought to be required to do in order to better understand what it means to be a woman. "There is no better way to force a man to understand the crushing weight of the patriarchy than by putting them on the hoverboard," he says, explaining how the same tools we use to attract sex relate to the roles and stereotypes that limit us. "When an adult man rides a hoverboard in public, they open themselves to getting catcalled, accosted, insulted, cajoled, heckled, threatened, and generally giving the world an opportunity to feel like they can say or do whatever they want. This is what it is like living under the crushing weight of the patriarchy all of the time."