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Identity

My First Time Rapping in West Virginia After My Transition

"Three of my ex-girlfriends showed up."
Screengrab from Traveling While Trans

Max's story is part of Broadly and VICELAND's Traveling While Trans series. This story was told to and edited for clarity by Diana Tourjee.

Every year, my girlfriend and I drive eight hours from New York City to West Virginia on a weird and wild trip back home. I love stopping along the road whenever we spot something; last year, we stopped so my girl could get a shot of me doing a prison squat in front of a dead coyote. And we always drive through Shartlesville, Pennsylvania, because the first part of Shartlesville is shart.

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I'm a producer and musician. This past Christmas, I had a show scheduled in my hometown. Normally, performances don't make me nervous—but this wasn't an ordinary Christmas. After years of living as an androgynous person, I finally decided to transition in the months before the holidays. As I sped for hours on the highway home, testosterone was coursing through my body for the first time.

My performance was scheduled the same night that I arrived. I didn't expect the show to be much of anything, really. My set was second, and I figured no one would show. I've never really had the desire to connect with old friends or keep them up-to-date on my life. But as the night rolled on, more and more people from my past started showing up. Three of my ex-girlfriends were there—like a goddamn reunion or something. I was shaking in my bones.

People have never known how to gender me. Even before I transitioned, people weren't sure if I was a man or a woman. Pronouns were all over the place that night, as people from my past figured out that I'm transitioning, and strangers seemed to randomly pick which gender to assign to me.

But once I got on stage, I realized: I don't give a shit anymore. I guess I'm always in a different mindset once I perform on stage, but this time, it was freeing. It turned out to be an incredible experience to perform as Max in front of so many people who have known me, and who love me.

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My family has always shown up for me, and they've got my back no matter what. It was amazing to see that other people can be as accepting. People didn't judge me—they might have misgendered me, but they were genuinely supportive and interested in what I'm doing and who I am. That really got me. It was like a stepping stone out of my old gender, an experience that helped prepare me for the changes ahead of me as I continue my transition.

While it may be awkward and sometimes uncomfortable to transition in front of other people, my trip down south last Christmas showed me hope.

Traveling While Trans is a sister series to VICELAND's new show Twiz & Tuck, which follows the lives of a gender fluid person and his transgender best friend as the duo travel and take in all that is weird and wonderful along the way. Airs Mondays at 10:30 on VICELAND.