'They're the Worst': People Explain Why Threesomes Are Boring and Evil

A recent study looked into threesomes, but the results seemed so boring that I decided to conduct my own.

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Mar 29 2017, 6:20pm

Photo by Guille Faingold via Stocksy

A new study was conducted on threesomes. I was naturally excited to read an academic analysis of this classically exotic sexual experience, but imagine my surprise to find that the study actually seems boring. "There has been little research on threesomes," the authors began, before ironically demonstrating why.

After summarizing their less-than-compelling findings, the researchers state that their "results suggest that young people are not judgmental about others engaging in [threesomes] but are not highly motivated to do so themselves," which is possibly too boring to put in print.

So, I decided to do a study of my own, to find out if anyone even likes threesomes anymore. As I set out to do my reporting, one of my colleagues told me that a psychic once told her never to have a threesome again until she dies, which helped to establish a nice tone for this article.

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"I find the emotional and physical aspects of sex with one person to be complex enough," said Kyle*, a 53-year-old man I met on the internet. He has never had a threesome, but told me that he thinks "two people would be way too taxing" to deal with in a sexual context: "Not a multi-tasker, I guess." Worse than that, the very concept of a threesome is simply not arousing to him. "They just seem complicated and too emotionally diffuse," he said. "If I'm with somebody I really want to be with that person"

Other people have actually had threesomes and, guess what, they don't like them either. One such individual has had several threesomes and told me that all but two of them were total shit. "If there was non-sexual connection first, it worked," said Ashley, a 29-year-old transgender woman. When I think of threesomes, I think of couples who find a willing third from their friends list or some dating app—but this is exactly the scenario that Ashley says sucks.

"If there was only really connection with two of the three and a third was 'brought in' for sexual purposes, it was generally not as great," she explained. Threesomes only worked for her "when the focus was to extend love and connection between three that [already existed]." Ashley was rather generous with the tired triad, but it wasn't long before I found someone who hates the threesome far more: "I find them boring and grossss!" cried Samantha, a 25-year-old trans woman.

"I find sex to be gross in general, don't get me wrong," Samantha continued, affirming what we at Broadly know to be true: Sex is bad. The threesome, however, is especially disgusting. "I feel like they are boring because there is only so much a human body can comfortably take before being overwhelmed by the act at hand," she said.

I find sex to be gross in general, don't get me wrong.

"One person always has to play a supportive role while two people are able to participate more actively," Samantha explained. While two people in a threesome will inevitably be making out or fucking, the third is destined to lick on thighs or clench errant arms in hopes to capture some attention. "I personally am no fan," Samantha repeated.

"Besides being potentially knocked off the bed and left out, breaking the bed, and the dynamics of two servicing one... someone is left stuck making coffee or breakfast or cleaning up the mess the next morning," said Bastion, a 37-year-old man. "Hate threesomes!" he exclaimed in horror. "Every threesome I've had was a disaster."

Bastion raised an excellent point: If you are the third called into a couple's bedroom, "you become a catalyst for the issues, their sex issues, or just general issues they already have in their relationship." This is not very fun, he said, nor is it conducive to enjoyable sexual experiences. "You either become an ally to each of them respectively, or an ally to one and a threat to the other." Both of those options sounds really scary, but Bastion has gone through something even more terrifying. "In most of my experience, [I became] a threat to both [partners] and received the brunt of their fury from being accused being a home-wrecker, a slut, or a general invasive piece of shit."

The only good thing about threesomes, Bastion told me, is the freedom one enjoys to produce various unattractive bodily functions without taking the blame. "You can fart openly and no one is sure who did it," he said, "no one knows whose wet spot and stain that is."

"They're the worst," said Ann, a 46-year-old transgender woman who absolutely loathes having sex with two people at once. "First of all, [threesomes] take a lot of concentration that takes away from any one person's ability to enjoy what's going on. You can become so focused on making sure everyone is being treated equally that it's more of a job than a fun activity."

Read more: How Women Really Feel About Sex Robots

Ann conceded that there could be something appealing about the idea of a threesome—but insisted the appeal begins and ends there. "It's one of those fantasies that should be left a fantasy," she said, arguing that it basically makes no sense logistically. "It's a done deal that one person is going to orgasm first," Ann told me, adding that the threesome then "just becomes a twosome with a third reading a book or watching TV."

Many people came forward to tell me how boring and horrible threesomes are. I could never have anticipated how evil they can be, or that multiple people would, independently, compare threesomes to the undead. One woman named Elizabeth said that she had one threesome in her life, and it seems doubtful she'll have another. "They were like crazed hungry vampires and I was their meal," she said. "It was weirdly overwhelming."

"I refuse to do them now," Ann told me, sickened by the so-called allure of sexy threesomes. "It's just one of those urban legends." Ann is tired of media that continues to perpetuate a myth that three people should have sex together when what we really need to do is "pound a stake in the heart (or groin) of the threesome," laying it to rest forever.

*All names have been changed.