Quantcast
Sex machina

I Tried the Royal Wedding Themed Sex Toys Because I’m Subversive

Congrats, Meghan and Harry.

Maria Yagoda

Maria Yagoda

Photo courtesy the author.

The deluge of sex toys hitting the market every day—from dildos that are also bongs to multi-tongued oral sex machines–have made it almost impossible for new gimmicks to surprise me. Writing about sex hardens you; it makes your insides a little dead. After a few years, notions that might once have animated or at least horrified you, like a new anal butt plug that has a fur tail, now bore you. I don’t even register harassment dick pic DMs anymore—I black them out immediately after opening. But last week, when I opened a press release announcing Special Edition Royal Wedding Sex Toys, I needed a moment. Understanding why Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s upcoming wedding had inspired a line of Lovehoney sex toys would be my life, I decided. How did we get here, I wondered, and what will become of us?

Well, it’s not that complicated. When you think about Harry and Meghan fuck toys for more than a second, as I did that day, you remember that every possible category of thing offers sex appeal to someone. So naturally any Royals-adjacent goings-on, which captivate an audience of millions, is ripe for sexual expression. UK-based Lovehoney, just like any brand, was being cheeky for attention, and it worked. The two products in the line—the Royal Wedding Love Ring (Gold) and the Markle Sparkle Finger Ring (Silver)—are cock rings and vibrating finger rings, respectively, and I needed to try them.

“With romance in the air, Meghan and Harry on the TV and a commemorative sex toy buzzing in front of you – who could resist,” said Coco Cameron, a “sexpert” at Lovehoney, when I asked her what the whole deal was. “We naturally thought it would be fun to produce a product to commemorate the day.”

She said she predicted that on the day of the royal wedding, May 19, more people would be having sex, too. This tracks. To the extent that any study can accurately measure this stuff, holidays and special occasions do boost sexual activity. (The fourth of July, for example, is a fuck holiday.)

Yet shockingly enough, my one friend who is un-ironically obsessed with the Royals was not aroused by the idea of a Markle Sparkle Finger Ring.

“I just feel like I don't need branded sex toys,” she said—and I think most people agree with this, though most people still buy this shit for their friend’s bachelorette. “My sex toys can just be normal sex toys. Also, is that what I want to think about while in the act? I feel like no. Their marriage is sacred.”

Me? I was a little aroused by the idea of it. An $11.99 finger vibrator is always a little arousing! The product itself is quite nice for the price, though finger-wise, I much prefer this guy. But the Markle Sparkle Finger ring vibrates! At the end of the day, that’s what matters the most: the vibrating part. And the friends we made along the way.

I tried to conjure up some royal fantasy, but my mind kept wandering to Toad from Mario Kart (I feel like this happens a lot?), so I couldn’t get very far. When I forced myself to think about Harry, I got stuck on that picture of him in a Nazi Halloween costume, and I just couldn’t shake it. DzzzZZZZ Do people bring that up anymore, or have we, as a society forgotten? DzZZZzz I wondered, fingering myself. For these reasons, and more, I am also bad at meditation.

I haven’t tried the cock ring yet, but it sounds thrilling. “Make your penis a prince among men by sliding this ring to its base,” the instructions on the packaging reads. "You may now press the button on the side to commence vibrations and grant your partner their own crown privilege.”