Photo via Stocksy user Joselito Briones
The ideal approach when it comes to all those slutty, fun one-night stands you're probably not having is this: Never invite them back to your place. You should be the visitor, the special guest. You fuck and then disappear, vapor-like, into the night, avoiding the clear-eyed hell of listening to a tech bro reminisce about Burning Man while trying to locate the plaid button-down he left on your floor.But how best to leave in the morning without being seen—and god forbid, forced to stay for brunch? While they're still asleep, of course. And who better to explain how to beat a hasty retreat than an expert in criminal heists?
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"The trick is planning your escape before it's time to go," advises Scott Selby, co-author of Flawless: Inside the Largest Diamond Heist in History. (Selby wanted me to make it clear he's a mature adult who's not in favor of ghosting.) "You probably put all your time into figuring out how to get into this one-night stand, and none of it on how to leave."Much like a bad one-night stand, criminal activity is easily gotten into and difficult to escape. And although the $500 million Antwerp diamond heist and a shitty one-night stand aren't the same thing, there are parallels."It's the same thing with so many jewel heists. The Antwerp guys spent two years planning their break-in while neglecting the getaway. And so they got caught in days," Selby explains."They didn't have a proper plan for basic things afterwards, like how to properly get rid of incriminating garbage from the heist and their safe house."The lesson? "Always spend as much time planning how you'll get into a situation as how you'll get out of it," Selby warns. "Focus on the moment at hand to stay cool under pressure." Also, always leave your bag and shoes by the door.Read more: How to Bio-Hack Your Brain to Have Sex Without Getting Emotionally Attached
I ask Selby for more precise guidance. "I'd say there's two schools of thought when it comes to making a quick retreat," he muses. "One is to ghost out, put on your shoes out side, step carefully, and make sure the alarm won't wake everyone up on your way out." Alternatively, Selby says, you can keep it classy. "Have a polished routine on how to roll out without it being a big deal so while you may technically be caught, you'll talk your way out no problem."You could say you're late for your weekly Scientology meeting, for example. They may even show you out themselves.