Illustrations by Eleanor Doughty
The iPhone and the entire internet were basically made by stoned people. These inventions are not as good as those.
When I smoke weed I basically become a genius in both the arts and business. I can remember at least a dozen seemingly viable for-profit schemes that I've come up with while high. When I'm sober, however, I realize all my ideas were just variations of trying to record and monetize my stoned commentary on TV shows, and I'm unconsciously ripping off Mystery Science Theatre 3000.
My longest lasting delusion took the form of an idea I had for a web series while I was staying at my friend's apartment when she went out of town. I was stoned and trying to sleep, but her large, longhaired cat would occasionally wander into her room. This cat would just dominate: She would walk across my face, fling her fluffy tail and dander everywhere (I'm allergic to cats), and generally be very noisy and uncool. It was her room (I had to leave the door open for her) and I was just a guest.
As this cat was staring directly into my eyes while shitting in her litter box, which was set up in the closet, I started laughing uncontrollably at the thought of this cat actually owning the apartment—a cat landlord. Thus, "Cat Landlord," a surely viral comedy about a group of roommates whose landlord is a cat, was born.
Here's a scene in the pilot: A person is moving out, and going through the motions of putting a new group of tenants on the lease. As they're wrapping up, the now former occupant warns the newcomers that the landlord is super shitty and never fixes anything; they don't think it can be that bad. But soon after signing, they find out that the landlord is a cat and literally can't help them all, despite different, hilarious attempts to interact with the landlord in each episode.
I somehow managed to convince a group of my friends that this was a really good idea and we spent a day trying to storyboard it out. We even made a theme song. Here are the lyrics: Cat Landlord, the landlord that's a cat / Something's broken? He can't fix that / Source of conflict? He's a cat! / Cat Landlord, the landlord that's a cat. That's about as far as we got once we realized that this concept truly wasn't good enough to invest a real amount of time into.
It's a little sad to think about all the lost stoner thoughts that could have been turned into something material. Everyday, a would-be Steve Jobs or Temple Grandin is getting high and inventing a revolutionary way to translate what dogs are thinking into speech and promptly forgetting about it. But instead of despairing, let's honor them now.
Since there's no Shark Tank for ideas that people have not followed through on at all, we asked people to tell us their worst/best stoned innovations and brought them into the world, via illustration.
'Cause I Sleigh
I have a note on my phone that says "women's sledding team in the Olympics should make a video to formation by Beyonce — cause I sleigh. [sic]" This was before Amy Schumer did a weird parody of that song, but it is equally as dumb and as bad of an idea. Anyway, I remember feeling like it was crazy that they didn't have a team song and thinking that they should promote themselves more (I work in PR), because more people should care about them. Meanwhile, I did not even know if an Olympic women's sledding team actually existed in reality, so I'm not sure why I cared so personally about that.
One time me and my friend Mo were very stoned and talking about how ass-eating styles are so personalized and unique that you could perhaps use them to tell people apart. This led to our proposal of the ATM ATM, the ass-to-mouth ATM, where instead of a pin number, a synthetic butt appears and you have to eat it with your own technique in order to withdraw cash.
Contraception Fashion for Men
For some reason, I was high and I was thinking about how sperm count is lowered when the testicles are heated because they are generally cooler than the abdomen. That's why regular underwear, as opposed to boxers, lower sperm count, because it keeps heat in. I was like, Wow, before you have sex, it would be handy to have really insulated underwear that kept heat in to kill sperm. This is probably damaging, but my high mind was like, Dudes should take one for the team. I was envisioning some sort of technology similar to a heating pack. They would probably have to be disposable now that my sober mind is thinking about it.
Hot Tub Shirt
Okay: Imagine that you're very cold and you want to be in a hot tub. The only problem is you don't have a hot tub! Enter: hot tub shirt. There are two possible designs for this idea. One is, like, a wearable barrel that's like a personal hot tub. The other is like a long sleeve shirt that somehow circulates hot water through it.
Once when I was high I was building a Pinterest board for living room inspiration and I was just blown away by how beautifully organized the website was; when you click on one coffee table, you scroll down and see a hundred more beautiful coffee tables. But I was so high that I honestly felt like my mind was inventing the website every time I clicked on a new picture, and I couldn't figure out why no one else had ever thought of this website. I felt like I was the only one who knew about Pinterest and, in fact, invented it.
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