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Art World Luminaries Have a Canni-BALL at the 2nd Annual MoMA PS1 Clambake

Party Girl is a bi-monthly fan fiction column. From a darkened corner of her bedroom in Los Angeles, Mira Gonzalez fantasizes about all the hottest parties in New York.
Photos by Kelsey Stanton/BFA.com

The movers and shakers of the contemporary art world were moving and shaking last week at the 2nd Annual MoMA PS1 Clambake, held for the second annual time at MoMA PS1. A cool, interesting offshoot of the cool, interesting modern art museum MoMA, MoMA PS1 is one of the largest contemporary art institutions in the United States and one of the most inconveniently located places for raves during the New York City summer. Even cooler and more interesting, the museum was rumored to have arranged an extra-special treat to accompany this year's clam offering. Since I myself am often found moving, shaking, and loving extra-special treats, I decided to attend. I approached the event as I approach all events: with enthusiasm and a hip outfit.

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Photo by Kelsey Stanton/BFA.com

Klaus Biesenbach, the renowned curator for MoMA, and a woman (who insisted on remaining nameless) greeted us warmly at the entrance of the 2nd Annual Clambake at MoMA PS1. Klaus and I are close personal friends, so I asked him for a quote about what we could expect for the rest of the day. In response, he winked at me, frothy bits of spittle accumulating around the corners of his mouth. Thats when I knew something was very, very wrong.

Photo by Kelsey Stanton/BFA.com

When I walked through the doors, the first thing I saw was this ditch covered by a blue tarp. I tried to walk up to the ditch and get a peek inside, assuming that that was where the clams were being kept. I was immediately accosted by these two men, who physically prevented me from looking under the tarp. The troubling grins on their faces indicated something sinister was at work here, at the 2nd Annual Clambake at MoMA PS1. The man on the left was holding a bag that was dripping with what appeared to be bright red blood. "Nice to meet you…Ricard," I said, trembling with fear upon my realization that i had walked into not a high-profile art party but a high-profile art party cannibal feast. As I turned in horror I saw that Klaus Biesenbach had locked the doors behind us. We were trapped, Red Wedding-style.

Photo by Kelsey Stanton/BFA.com

Klaus had assigned a different person to be in charge of cooking each body part. This man was in charge of penises. He cleverly decided to wrap them in corn husks as a sort of homage to a what he called a "traditional" clambake.

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Photo by Kelsey Stanton/BFA.com

This guy was in charge of cooking intestines.

Photo by Kelsey Stanton/BFA.com

The woman on the right was in charge of finding, and slaughtering, human sacrifices. Shortly after this photo was taken, she ripped that man's throat out using nothing but her teeth. She told me she had sharpened them before the event.

Photo by Kelsey Stanton/BFA.com

In this photo we see a man with his dog. The dog is sticking his tongue out and looking smug, in a "Ha, ha, this asshole holding me is FINALLY gonna be brutally murdered and eaten" sort of way. Klaus Biesenbach and the dog were the only survivors of the event. The dog is now displayed in a clear glass box at MoMA alongside Tilda Swinton.

Photo by Kelsey Stanton/BFA.com

This woman was allowed to attend the clambake as the "token activist." Similar to how a fashion show isn't really a fashion show without a protest from members of PETA, a cannibal feast isn't really a cannibal feast without some opposition from modern science. This woman had actually discovered a way to create human flesh in the enormous vats behind her, so that no lives would have to be lost in order for hundreds of people to enjoy their yearly Cannibal Clambake at MoMA PS1. Unfortunately, she was ritually sacrificed and eaten almost immediately.

Photo by Kelsey Stanton/BFA.com

The woman on the left wore a helmet because she insisted that she had a "particularly tender and delicious head," which Klaus Biesenbach would have been able to smell from a mile away, were it not for her protective headgear. She thought that, if Klaus couldn't smell her, she would be safe from being sacrificed. Sadly, she was wrong. Klaus's thirst for flesh and freakishly good sense of smell could not be stopped by a simple plastic helmet. He sniffed her out almost immediately, knocking me over after I took this photo so he could ferociously feast on her head all by himself. It did look very tender.

Photo by Kelsey Stanton/BFA.com

The man (on the left) ate more human than everyone else at the party combined. He even hired a man (on the right) to consistently provide him with human meat so he wouldn't have to pause to put more on his plate himself. The only words I heard him say during the entire event were "I Want More." Towards the end of the party, he had garnered a crowd of people who clapped and chanted, encouraging him to eat more. By the end of the event, he had eaten every single one of them. It was estimated that he ate over 500 humans, including their bones. It was later discovered that this man had been hired by Marina Abramović as her latest piece of performance art. Abramović has declined to comment due to legal issues.

Photo by Kelsey Stanton/BFA.com

These women are actually hundreds of years old, but every year they come to the clambake and gorge themselves on the blood of children, which helps them maintain their youthful appearance.