The Broadly Guide to Having Sex in Public

Three words: Calm, cool, and collected. If you act suspicious, you are suspicious. Also, it helps not to care if strangers or friends are onto you. Besides, if people see you leaving, say, a bathroom with somebody else, they'll probably just assume you were doing drugs. Let them speculate after you ejaculate!

This is the one tried-and-true location that's a reliable classic. The public restroom—usually one within a bar or restaurant—practically begs horny couples to utilize its facilities, germaphobes aside. Sneak in when there's not a major line outside, lock the door, and go nuts.

On one hand, using a condom could pose a major time suck. On the other, it will prevent you from having to go on post-coital cleanup duty. Just don't leave your soggy rubber behind for some innocent pedestrian to stumble upon.

Look this topic up on the Internet, and you'll see the clothing-store dressing room is one of the most desired places to have sex. I've always found shopping to be an aphrodisiac myself, but who knew? All I can say is, best of luck to you and your partner if you cart a pile of crop tops into the fitting room at Forever 21 so you can jump each other's bones.

A wiggle dress or restrictive-tight pencil skirt may make you feel sexy like Jessica Rabbit and walk like a dirty-minded secretary who wants to nail her boss, but neither will do you much good when time isn't on your side. Think schoolgirl-short and cheerleader-flouncy. Or a louche T-shirt style that already looks wrinkled to begin with.

I know all too well that a pair of overalls or a very baggy pair of oversized trousers, inspired by Madonna's "Express Yourself" era, can foil your plan. If you're going tight, you want a skirt or dress with plenty of give, one that can be easily pulled up over your bum. Slinky is great, as long as it snaps back into place once you're done. Think stretch-knit insead of wool-crepe or restrictive leather. Oh, and don't bother taking anyone's pants all the way off. That's just ridiculous.

Public sex is not necessarily the occasion for channeling your raging inner porn star, unless you've got a bag full of wet wipes and a compact of pressed powder.

If you require little to no clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm, then getting right into full-on penetration is the way to go. If you can come in a matter of seconds—and that shouldn't be too difficult if you're doing it with the right person—then the accelerated romp is perfect for you.

Avoid them. This is common sense. And you actually can get arrested. Just look at what happened to an inebriated young Florida couple in 2012, who were put in handcuffs after having sex in front of some 50 bystanders on a Treasure Island beach. Never change, Florida.

Awful rape realities about R. Kelly aside, two facts remain: "Ignition (Remix)" is still, 12 years later, an undeniably catchy song, and the car is the most private of all "public" places for getting it on. The more desolate the parking area, the better. If the cops shine a flashlight into your car, just cover yourself, smile sheepishly, and play dumb. I speak from experience.

You can also utilize back of taxicabs. Rude? Indeed: It's thoroughly disrespectful to the driver, unless he or she happens to be a voyeur, and in that case, you're doing them a favor. Just clean up whatever bodily fluids you excrete on the seat. As for public transportation, don't even think about it.

It's best not to overthink things. Time is of the essence, and you're acting on instinct.

Being loud in sex – and in life – is great, but now is the time to simmer your moans to mutters and your screams to whispers. A good old hand over the mouth also works like a charm, especially if you're of the submissive breed. Besides, knowing you have to be quiet makes you feel like a sexual spy or something.

Nothing like the harsh light of day to get you caught red-handed. Forget the afternoon delight—you can get away with so much more when it's dark. I'm probably telling you way too much, but I once received head in a Williamsburg parking alleyway behind a random SUV in the dead of night.

The airplane is probably the most famous (or infamous, depending how you look at it) location for illicit sex. Equally classic is the type of douche who loves to tell people he belongs to the mile-high club. However, airplane bathrooms are some of the grossest places in the world. So if you're a few hours and several vodkas into your flight, just hope you're in first-class and utilize those cheap fleece blankets.

Strictly missionary? What a shame if you are. Unless you're sprawled on a lush meadow with nary a soul to be seen for miles, you're probably not going to want to lie down.

Working late? Hell, yeah, you are! Getting ravaged on your desk is an erotic fantasy of many. The reality involves desktop computers that need to be pushed aside, photos of beaming family members that are suddenly staring you in the face, and the possibility of getting fired. Beware security cameras.

When indoors and likely confined to close quarters, you either need to embrace bending over, spreading your legs, getting it from behind (not to mention the possibility of staring at a toilet bowl). If you're not into that, you'll want to sit on something waist level, like the hood of your car. Or lean against a wall and wrap your legs around your partner in crime, as long as they've got enough strength to hold you up and bounce you up and down a bit.

A long, lingering make-out session is pretty much always hot, but you're not necessarily going for quality in this sort of scenario. Or quantity, for that matter. Pick and choose your moves, and think expedience over foreplay.

It's been argued that the endorphin boost associated with risk likely leads to more explosive orgasms, but there is such a thing as too much risk. You might recall the story of a couple who got caught screwing on the steps of St. Patrick's Cathedral in 2002. They were trying to win a radio-station contest that awarded a prize to the pair who fornicated in New York City's "riskiest" location. Much like many other foolish couples in the history of time, they were arrested.

This one is obvious. If you're out with a group of people or in a place surrounded by people, plan your escape together and stealthily exit the scene one at a time.

Take a hike! The woods, the park, and the beach all can be utilized to your advantage if your location is spot-on, especially while the weather is warm. Just beware grizzly men, actual bears, picnicking families, and/or beachcombers. Also: If you take it to the seashore, know you'll be picking particles of sand out of your ass crack for days.

Who says getting sexed up is only constituted by traditional penetrative intercourse? Go out on a dinner date—preferably to a white-tablecloth restaurant because you'll need that coverage—and get finger-banged while you debate the shrimp cocktail versus the tuna tartare. Extra points for employing the assistance of a remote-controlled vibrator.

Ah, the spice of life. Doing it in public should be primarily motivated by insanely high lust levels, not so you can tell your friends you got handsy on a rollercoaster (although that scene from Fear with Reese Witherspoon and Mark Wahlberg ensured my 12-year-old self would never look at a theme park the same way ever again). Having said that, what's your fantasy? Let your imagination run wild. From automated car washes to cornfields to elevators to near-empty movie theaters, the lewd possibilities are virtually endless.

Beloved by some and scoffed at by others, sex in water is controversial. Some girls argue it makes them feel like a sensual siren (one with genitals), and others will say it makes no fucking sense. I'm of the mind it almost doesn't count at all, since your body feels weightless in water, so think about what that means for a penis.

If you do go for it in a swimming pool, here are two nuggets of advice: One, watch out for chlorine. It can give you a PC imbalance that might require antibiotics. Two, don't let that over-the-top, hair-whipping, verging-on-violent scene in Showgirls enter your mind. It's a mood-killer.

All right, so you saw that one coming. But X has never been an easy letter for word play, and moreover, there's something dangerously illicit about what you're doing. That's what makes it so fun.

As in yank your underwear to the side for the sake of speed and convenience. Or just forgo underwear altogether. I happen to like wearing panties (almost as much as I hate the word "panties"), especially when they're of the fancy, expensive variety. Too many moms, mine included, have stressed the importance of wearing nice underwear in case you get in a car accident and paramedics have to strip your clothes off. Few have stressed that the fact it's far more important to wear top-notch underthings in case you find yourself faced with a surprise sexual encounter. A scant G-string, sleek thong, and lacy full-coverage pair can all be pulled to the side for total access. You might still end up ripping them off, but so what if they end up on the floor of a filthy cement piss station?

After you've gotten to it, make sure you've pulled yourself back together. Wipe that smeared lipstick off your face, finger-comb that "I just got fucked" mane, and, of course, make sure no flies are left unzipped. Let's have a little dignity, shall we?