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Britney Spears

Why Conspiracy Theorists Blame Britney's Meltdown on Her Bestie George Bush

Did you ever notice that whenever the Bush Administration messed up, Britney was stealing headlines with her bananas behavior. Coincidence???

Bethy Squires

Bethy Squires

Callie Beusman

The Bush era was a heyday for conspiracy theories. From 9/11 truthers to FEMA coffins at Katrina, there was something for everyone to be suspicious of in the early aughts. The rise of the 24-hour news cycle didn't help matters. Suddenly, there had to be a new salacious story every hour to slake our thirst for scandal.

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Did the Bush administration use this gaping news-maw to its advantage? Scuttlebutt 'round the Internet is that Britney Spears was on the Bush payroll as a professional thirst trap. Consider this: Whenever a big snafu befell Dubya, Britney would have a conveniently timed meltdown, placing the pop star at the top of CNN's news crawl and steering eyes away from Bush's newest blunder. Don't buy it? Well, peep the chronology (you sheep):

January 5, 2004: A year earlier, a Bush crony blew the cover of CIA agent Valerie Plame. The fallout from Plamegate led to the indictment of Scooter Libby, a top-tier Bush official and inspiration for Matthew Broderick's character on 30 Rock. A week before United States vs. Libby was to start, Britney marries childhood friend Jason Alexander in Las Vegas. Fifty-five hours later, the marriage is annulled. "It wasn't really a booty call," Alexander told ABC New. "It was just, you know, a friend asking a friend to come on a trip." Right, and Britney was just trying to "help" a "friend" by distracting the American public from a stream of endless corruption carried out by a cabal of powerful elites.

April 2006: Bush's approval rating is at an all-time low, 38 percent. Britney is seen driving with infant Sean Preston on her lap rather than in a car seat. Later, child welfare officials and the sheriff's department investigate a story that Sean was injured in a fall from his high chair. People stop talking about their awful presidential overlord and engage in endless debates about lap/infant protocol, all while a nation descends into further darkness.

November 6, 2006: The day before a midterm election in which Republicans could potentially lose 33 Senate seats and 435 House seats, Spears announces her split from Kevin Federline. A nation reels.

February 2007: Bush announces the reformation of Al-Qaeda (YOU HAD ONE JOB, BUSH). That same night, Britney sneaks out of rehab, shaves her head, and attacks a paparazzi van with an umbrella.

March 14, 2007: Attorney General Alberto Gonzales admits that "mistakes were made" in the firing of eight US attorneys who didn't seem loyal enough to Bush. That same day, a story is leaked about Brit's dalliance in rehab with some musician.

After that, Britney drama dries up around the 2008 election, either because she was put in a conservatorship and is under her father's lock and key, or because her services are no longer required by the most powerful man in the free world, her time as a loyal servant completed. You be the judge.

There is precedent for artists covertly serving national interests, though not with hair clippers and an umbrella. The CIA secretly bankrolled the abstract expressionist movement in the 50s and 60s as a way to combat Soviet communism. The goal was to show the superiority of free-market culture by exporting a hip, edgy, and all-American art form. Elvis Presley, who wanted to infiltrate the music industry and flush out communist drug dealers, was given a badge from the Bureau of Narcotics and Dangerous Drugs by Richard Nixon himself. It's unclear how seriously Nixon took this plan.

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Conspiracy theorists point to Britney Spears's cameo in Fahrenheit 9/11, in which she voices unwavering support of the president, as further proof that she was in his pocket. One hole in this otherwise unimpeachable theory: Nothing scandalous was happening at the White House when Spears produced and released Britney and Kevin: Chaotic, her UPN reality series. The only Bush story in the news around that time was an attempt on his life by Vladimir Arutyunian. If anything, the Bush administration would want to make room for that story. So the release of Chaotic, a show characterized as "career suicide by videocam" by Entertainment Weekly, points to Brit-Brit's cray-cray as being independently motivated.

Unless—unless—Britney didn't know that she was working for Bush.

Enter: the Illuminati, Josef Mengele, Walt Disney, and Sam Lutfi.

I think we can all agree that the Illuminati control everything. One way they keep their stranglehold on the world is through the operant conditioning of highly positioned celebrities. Allegedly a co-production of the Illuminati and infamous Nazi doctor Josef Mengele, Project Monarch brainwashes people (usually celebrities, usually women) into being super-soldier prostitutes. Celebs such as Paris Hilton, Anna Nicole Smith, Amanda Bynes, and Britney Spears, the theory goes, were subjected to trauma at a young age, which caused them to dissociate. These dissociative personalities then carry out the government's dirty business when triggered by a codeword.

Those who believe Britney Spears is a Monarch operative point to her time on the Mickey Mouse Club (obviously the site of brainwashing and superspy training), her first tattoo (a butterfly, hello!), and her adoption of a British accent during the 2007 meltdown as evidence of her conditioning. Yeah, back in 2007 Britney would allegedly become "the British Girl" and talk in an accent for hours. According to the Daily Mail, "when Britney 'returns' from one of her episodes, she has no recollection of what she did or said during the time as her assumed personality."

Monarch victims have handlers, people who are responsible for triggering the operative personalities. Who was Britney's handler? A likely candidate would be her "manager," Osama "Sam" Lutfi. Lutfi was with Spears during her 2007 breakdown. In 2008, Spears' parents successfully obtained a restraining order against him, alleging that he had been drugging the singer and guiding her into her downward spiral. He went on to "work with" Amanda Bynes and Courtney Love. Lutfi was the one who "tricked" Bynes into being hospitalized during her breakdown in 2014.

Very little is known about Lutfi's background. According to the Daily Beast, Lutfi has a "LinkedIn profile claiming that the 'Independent Media Production Professional' attended USC, [but] the school's website does not list Lutfi as an alumnus." Is this because he's a garden-variety shady Hollywood rando, or because he's an Illuminati operative?

In the end, all we have are questions. Is Britney Spears the greatest spy since Mata Hari? Or is she the victim of a shadowy conspiracy that impossibly owes its existence to both the Nazis and the Elders of Zion? Or was Britney not a girl, not yet a woman, who defined herself by her relationship with Justin Timberlake? And then lost herself when that relationship ended? It's up to us, as non-thought-controlled individuals, to decide.