Dear Florida Moms, How Do I Trap a Man into Marrying Me?

Advice columns are stupid. Most columnists are unqualified to answer your questions, so we decided to create an advice column using the least qualified dating experts we could find: two single moms over 40 from South Florida. As Florida moms, Babs and Julie, (who go by the acronym B.J.), enjoy buying their kids lingerie and partying with retired professional athletes throughout the clubs in Fort Lauderdale, Florida. This week, they tell us where women can find marriage-material men and keep them and what to wear on a date.

Dear Florida Moms,

I'm in my mid-20s. I thought I would be married, or at least engaged, by now. But I'm not. I'm single with no prospects, and I don't even know where to start. I can only meet guys on Tinder and at bars, and I mostly end up on dates with pot delivery guys. How do I trap a man into marrying me?

Sincerely,
I Need a Husband

Dear I Need a Husband,

Sign up for Plenty of Fish. Just kidding! We only got married because we got pregnant. You should go to a bar in a wealthy neighborhood, find a hot rich guy, go off your birth control without telling him, and get knocked up. It's a flawless plan.

Sincerely,
Florida Moms

I have been having sex with a guy for several months, but he never makes me come. I've been faking orgasms, but I want a real one. How do I tell him that he needs to try something different in bed to make me come?

Sincerely,
My Boyfriend Can't Make Me Come

Dear My Boyfriend Can't Make Me Come,

I fake it all the time. Every orgasm I've had with a guy, I faked. You know why? Because I fuck myself better than any man can—they cannot do what we do to ourselves. This is the thing about men: Men are fucking stupid. They think we come ten times in one setting, like, "Let's go! I came ten times! Woo!" Who does that? I am here to tell you that it just doesn't happen.

I think you should keep faking it. You don't have to come to like it. We enjoy sex even without an orgasm, and we still like it. When he leaves, I fuck myself. No man does the job right. I have a difficult pussy, and it's very hard to please. You probably have a difficult pussy too, so just fuck yourself.

Sincerely,
Florida Moms

I have gone on a few dates with a guy, but he has yet to make it official. How do I lock him down as my boyfriend?

Sincerely,
I Need a Boyfriend

Dear I Need a Boyfriend,

Dating is overrated and a waste of time. Why not try sucking his cock until his eyes roll to the back of his fucking head? If he has sensitive nipples, then you should suck them as well. Call him whatever name he wants to be called, and tell him what he wants to hear.

The Florida Moms have two distinct ways of locking down a guy: You either suck his cock like a porn star or conquer him through his stomach by cooking lasagna. You could also have him fuck your ass, but be warned—once you give a man your ass, you will never get rid of the asshole.

Sincerely,
Florida Moms

P.S. If you decide to eat a guy's ass on your quest to lock him down, make sure he cleans his hole. We recommend he fasts for 24 hours, takes three baths, and waxes his hole before you rim him. If you're chewing gum while eating his ass, make sure it doesn't get stuck between his butt cheeks because the morning after may not be so pleasant.

I fucked a guy last week. He asked me out on a date, but now he never answers my texts. What's his deal and what should I do?

Sincerely,
Thirsty for a Boyfriend

Dear Thirsty for a Boyfriend,

He is either married or you sucked in bed, period.

Sincerely,
Florida Moms

I have been going on dates with a variety of guys. At work, I dress very conservatively but at home I mostly wear sweatpants. What should I wear on dates?

Sincerely,
Help Me

Dear Help Me,

It depends on the date. Traditionally, if you're unsure what to wear, you should wear a cute, little, sexy dress with heels—high heels! For blind dates, look hot. If you're going out with a pastor—which is a great idea, since pastors are a challenge—you should go looking like a nun. If your date is a rich white lawyer, wear a fuckin' very conservative outfit with a gun and a knife hidden in your dress. Also, show a little bit of breast for the lawyer. We love conservative men because we play with their heads, you know?

Sincerely,
Florida Moms