East Williamsburg Party Fixtures Party in East Williamsburg

August 1, 2015 marked the fifth annual Full Moon Festival at the Brooklyn Mirage, a massive outdoor pop-up club that feels more like an urban jungle. Enhanced by soaring, 20-foot walls bedecked with exotic plants, tropical palm trees, and real beach sand in the heart of East Williamsburg--also known to some as "Bushwick"--the Brooklyn Mirage is a true oasis, beckoning to partiers like me from both around the globe and down the street. With both indoor and open-air areas and a rotating cast of DJs spinning live sets, the fifth annual Full Moon Festival at the Brooklyn Mirage is best savored, not experienced. Here is a detailed account of my time there:

The event kicked off with these dudes, East Williamsburg party fixtures, handing out LSD to all attendees. Everyone knew the drugs were bad. "This acid will only lead to a traumatizing, life-ruining trip," the East Williamsburg party fixtures were saying as they placed little paper strips on our tongues. But that guy was in such a fun costume, and the drugs were free at the fifth annual Full Moon Festival at the Brooklyn Mirage.

There was a group suicide shortly after the LSD kicked in. The soaring, 20-foot walls bedecked with exotic plants really came in handy at the fifth annual Full Moon Festival at the Brooklyn Mirage.

This guy was strictly straight-edge and confused about how LSD worked. Careful to ensure he didn't inhale or otherwise ingest any LSD "spores," he wore glasses, a mask, and a full-body suit (all designed by Hood By Air). I tried explaining to him that LSD doesn't work that way; you have to eat it to be affected by it. I recited him the Wikipedia article for Lysergic acid diethylamide in its entirety, but he wouldn't listen. Instead, he shouted. "You can't fucking fool me!" he cried at the fifth annual Full Moon Festival at the Brooklyn Mirage. "Why would people at Burning Man wear masks and goggles if LSD wasn't airborne?"

This man was beardless when the night started. The drugs had no effect on him except that they caused his beard to grow exponentially. Later that night, he was taken to the hospital because his beard grew so large and heavy that it began to tear off the bottom half of his face. He is flanked by Anonymous Partier O F F I C I A L, who rocked the crowd during a 4 PM DJ set at the fifth annual Full Moon Festival at the Brooklyn Mirage.

After the beard guy went to the hospital, most of his face detached by his endlessly growing beard, he returned to the scene with a face transplant and a "fire" new outfit to match. I know it's hard to imagine, but this bald man on the right, with hat and no eyebrows, is the beard guy, the very same. As soon as he made his glimmering re-entrance the masses began to chant, en masse, together, as a group. "It's Boy George, back from the dead!" they said. (Note: Boy George is not dead.) Beard Zombie Boy George ended up attracting and mesmerizing a makeshift cult, of sorts. Ten or 15 people, high out of their minds, became convinced he was the messiah, kissing his feet and begging him to share his knowledge of the undead at the fifth annual Full Moon Festival at the Brooklyn Mirage. (Note: The bottom half of his old face is still growing a beard, despite being no longer attached to his head. If it continues this way, scientists predict the entire state of New York will be covered in hair by 2016.)

This was the first person Beard Zombie Boy George convinced his new following to brutally murder, Manson-style, at the fifth annual Full Moon Festival at the Brooklyn Mirage.

This guy was murdered next. They tore his limbs off one by one, shouting, "WHO INVITED THIS ASSHOLE WITH THE HEADBAND?"

Even after the LSD wore off, nobody protested the murders at the fifth annual Full Moon Festival at the Brooklyn Mirage.

The blonde woman on the right, another East Williamsburg party fixture, bravely began the inevitable party-wide orgy by making the bold move of swiftly inserting her pointer finger into the asshole of the woman on the left. It took the woman on the left a moment to decide whether or not she enjoyed having a finger in her asshole; this photo was taken the second she decided she did at the fifth annual Full Moon Festival at the Brooklyn Mirage.

In this photo, the woman on the left, now having her asshole even more aggressively fingered, explains to me how she is going to put her finger in someone else's asshole now. This was the beginning of a train of hundreds of people all fingering each other's assholes at the fifth annual Full Moon Festival at the Brooklyn Mirage. Beautiful.

This woman just stood there screaming, "WHERE AM I?" until she died. An autopsy found no LSD in her system; she had actually been standing there, shouting, for weeks before the fifth annual Full Moon Festival at the Brooklyn Mirage. I feel you, girl.