Beautiful art by Leila Ettachfini

Idris Elba Must Play James Bond—And Every Other Character in Film History

The Broadly staff humbly puts forth some further casting suggestions for our cinematic zaddy.

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Aug 9 2018, 7:39pm

Beautiful art by Leila Ettachfini

For years, the internet has clamored for Idris Elba as James Bond, and now, it seems that producers of the franchise have finally heard our cries.

The Daily Star reports that Bond franchise producer Barbara Broccoli and director Antoine Fuqua had a conversation in which Fuqua said "it is time" for a non-white actor to take on the iconic role and named Idris Elba as a reported frontrunner. Broadly gives an emphatic yes to this potential casting, and we’ve even compiled other quintessential roles we’d like to see given to Idris Elba:

Idris Elba is...Sailor Moon

Elba’s formidable acting chops would have plenty of material to work with as Usagi, the reincarnation of Princess Serenity and the secret identity of Sailor Moon, a soldier destined to save Earth from the forces of evil. Usagi cares deeply for her friends, family, and also food, and evolves from a selfish crybaby to a selfless young woman with only some immature tendencies. If we don’t get an entire show or movie with Idris as Sailor Moon, at least give us one Moon Prism Power Makeup transformation scene! — Sara David, culture editor

Idris Elba is...Fox Mulder

Everybody loves Idris Elba and if you don't you're a bad person. Not only is Mr. Elba an incredibly talented actor who has appeared in many films and probably has won awards, he is also very beautiful. In fact, he might be one of the most talented and beautiful men in the world. It is hard for me to even think about Mr. Elba playing James Bond for I suddenly realize the horror that he has not already portrayed every James Bond before him. If Mr. Elba were to assume the 007 role, he would instantly crush his predecessors to the point their performances are washed from all memory.

On that note, I believe Idris Elba should also have portrayed Mulder in The X-Files. The X-Files is the best show ever made and there is nothing wrong with it at all because it is perfect. And yet, Idris Elba would improve the show. That means that Idris Elba is so beautiful and talented that he can take flawless content and improve upon it, which is closer to godliness than any of his weak contemporaries will ever come. — Diana Tourjée, staff writer

Idris Elba is...Eve from Life-Size

Idris Elba as James Bond is cool I guess, but I'd much prefer him in the role of Eve (Tyra Banks) in the iconic movie Life-Size. For those who've somehow forgotten the premise of this cinematic masterpiece (the audacity!), allow me to refresh your memory: A young girl named Casey attempts a spell to bring her mother back from the dead, but ends up bringing her doll, Eve, to life instead. Eve is bubbly, charismatic, and tends to bring out the best in people (qualities which Casey finds insufferable). The pair hang out for a while until Eve gets homesick and Casey eventually returns her to her dollstate and sends her back to Sunnyvale.

First things first: a doll Idris Elba! A tiny Idris Elba you can take with you everywhere. A mini Idris Elba sitting in your hands. A little Idris Elba you can make do whatever you wish. Someone invent this, and place my order. Now, imagine life is so good that you not only have an Idris Elba doll, but that it comes to life! This remake will be torturous for all who have to watch without a doll Idris Elba who they can bring to life, but I need it anyway.

I have no doubt that Elba is a natural actor, but he'll have to tap into emotions we've never seen from him before in order to accomplish the portrayal of a cutesy life-size doll. I want to see Idris, a perfect human, become a human for the first time. I want to see the light in his eyes when he tries bread, discovers the range of his singing voice, and touches a computer for the first time. We've all seen big, strong, sexy savior Idris—what we need is hot pink tube-top-wearing, vulnerable Idris. And if we can't get that, we at least need Idris Elba dolls. — Leila Ettachfini, assistant editor

Idris Elba is…Gomez Addams

In light of the earth-shattering news that Idris Elba is exactly as good at eating pussy as you’d always assumed, I cannot help but imagine him as my dream man: Gomez Addams. Picture him as the dapper, hilarious, and obviously kinky husband to Morticia (in my fantasy, played by Lucy Liu). My fragile goth heart! — Sara David, culture editor

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Idris Elba is… Austin Powers

On one of the worst first dates I've ever been on, my suitor spent the entire first hour telling me about the very wack-sounding movie prequel he was "in talks" to write. His assignment, he said (unconvincingly), was to add to the Austin Powers canon, telling a backstory time-traveling through centuries in order to give us viewers the real inside history of Britain's randiest spy. Because I was 22, I spent the hour nodding in polite silence, internally wailing an ancestral, ancient wail predating even the eons before my date's proposed timeline for his film.

YOU KNOW HOW I WOULD HAVE BEEN DOWN? If Idris Elba, the star rumored to be the next anchor of the James Bond franchise, was the proposed portrayer of the hornier spy in question. I would have tried to fund that shit myself! Like, imagine if, upon being asked, "Do I make you horny, baby?" your answer was COR BLIMEY AND ALSO HELL YEAH. If, hearing, "Shagadelic," you thought, Groovy, and you meant it in earnest. IF, IN FACT, "DADDY WAS THERE," a truth Elba enables wherever he goes.

Once Elba nails his espionage bona fides as Bond, it's only wise that he use his expertise (and his chest, which would look great in polyester shirts unbuttoned to the navel) to do my date's horrible artistic vision justice. (But: If I can briefly speak on behalf of Broadly, it's because this publication believes he should play every leading man—even this most shagadelic one.) — Amy Rose Spiegel, senior editor