How to Stop Paying for Your Co-Worker's Coffee

Among getting annoyed by loud phone calls and microwaving fish in the lunchroom, one major point of contention can be money. Specifically, spotting people for coffee or lunch with no reciprocation. Of course, buying coffee for others without expecting anything in return is normal, but it adds up. A study released early this year suggested we spend an average of about $81 a year on coffee alone for our office mates.

The situation can snowball to the point where buying coffee becomes an expectation. As one administrative assistant who would like to remain nameless told Broadly, with her boss it's gone too far and she doesn't know how to end it. "Every time I get up and tell her I'm going for a coffee, she asks me to get her one but she never pays. It's infuriating." While she hates her boss for many reasons, "This is really the icing on the cake."

While it's crappy to have someone take advantage of you, speaking to etiquette expert Lisa Orr, it's up to everyone to set their expectations up front. "Every one of us comes to our relationship with coworkers with a different set of expectations." This means, your co-worker might not actually be taking advantage of you. They might think you're just being friendly and generous, while you're seething.

There are many ways to set your expectations up front, Orr tells Broadly. If you're going to buy someone coffee and you want a reciprocal relationship, there are tactful ways to let them know you're not "In theory you should say something like, 'I'm going to get coffee today, would you like to get it tomorrow?'" However, don't try getting money back for past coffees if you're trying to change your expectations. Just learn your lesson and be more clear and up front the next time.

If it's your boss who keeps making you pay, the situation becomes a little more delicate. But also, your boss knows they make way more money than you so it's pretty shitty to not spot cash. Either way, Orr thinks there's still a way to make them pay up when the time comes. "When getting up say, 'What do you think you'd like?' And when they answer say, 'A latte (for example) is about 3 dollars.' Then wait." According to Orr, they will give you the money or pay you back when you get back. In any case, "You're making it clear that you're not fronting those expenses."

Of course, there will be people who don't get the hint that you don't want to be their coffee daddy. In these cases, you don't really have a choice but to have that awkward conversation you've been avoiding. You just have to tell them that you're being put in a bad position and can't keep buying. "If relationships are important, it's worth it to have these conversations." Orr says. Chances are, they might not even realize that it's happening.

Oftentimes, with our co-workers or anyone you're trying to maintain a relationship while dealing with financial stuff is so difficult because you don't want to seem cheap or like you're not valuing them as a person. "Divorce the dollar value of what you're spending to the dollar value of the relationship," says Orr. Using words like "budget" makes it clear it has nothing to do with them or their value to you as a person.

Ultimately, Orr stresses all these issues could be avoided if we all were up front when beginning relationships and being less passive in general.