The VICE Channels

From Schlong Bong to Weed Lube: I Tried All the Weed Products Designed for Sex

Apr 18 2017 4:45 PM
From Schlong Bong to Weed Lube: I Tried All the Weed Products Designed for Sex

Photo via the author

I'm not usually a huge fan of pot, but I found that "turning foreplay into 420-play" was surprisingly dope.

I've never loved weed. I don't hate it, but I rarely seek it out, as I'm a naturally paranoid person who is already pretty committed to her go-to substances. For years, though, avid smokers have told me that high sex is the best sex. I've never experienced it, unless you count the other person being high, which is most of the times I have sex. (I have a type.) But the last few years have seen a proliferation of weed-related sex products that have felt, at times, overwhelming; each month we're told about a new gimmick incorporating cannabis and (usually) women's genitalia.

Eventually, being bombarded with dildos that are also pipes and hot-pink pot paraphernalia makes you want to try it out for yourself. So I tested out a range of marijuana-themed products, from vaginal suppositories to weed lube, designed specifically to heighten sexual pleasure. The results were surprisingly dope.

Read more: Consider the Pothead: I Smoked Weed Out of 'Infinite Jest'

"High Love" Erotic Edibles

Hailed as the first chocolate cannabis aphrodisiac, the Colorado-made edibles by the brand 1906 are all-natural and low-dose (5 mg of THC a piece) bon-bons meant to heighten sensitivity, increase arousal, and enhance orgasms. The edibles, which taste delicious, include botanical ingredients like Muira Puama (alleged to be the "Viagra of the Amazon"), Yohimbe, and Damiana, all naturally occurring aphrodisiacs. After eating one, you're supposed to feel the effects within the relatively speedy time frame of 15 to 20 minutes, which, in a beautiful fantasy world where I also don't get DMs calling me a cunt, is about how long foreplay lasts.

I made the mistake of eating one when I was hanging out with a group of people and was already feeling somewhat stressed. I offered them to everyone, sort of worried I might incite an orgy but then deciding I wouldn't hate that. (It was an attractive group.) Once the effects kicked in, I felt so out-of-whack—I'd also been drinking beer all day—that I propped my head on the couch at a strange angle and stationed it there, motionless, for two hours. A week later, my neck still hurts.

That night didn't go as planned—no heightened sensuality or eroticism, just upper-spine discomfort and the profound sense of being an outsider. So I decided to try the edibles again, this time on my own, with candles lit and Usher playing. (The 1906 PR rep suggested I put on Barry Manilow to set the mood.) I felt relaxed and, yes, aroused. While my orgasm didn't necessarily feel "heightened," as promised, the whole masturbating experience felt more sensual, loose, arousing, and pleasurable. I suspect this would be true in a sex-with-another-human scenario, which I'd like to try soon (having intercourse on edibles, not intercourse in general, which I've definitely done, you jerk).

Image courtesy of 1906

FORIA Awaken, aka Weed Lube

Weed lube sounds like an urban legend, but a quick Google search and survey of friends proved that it is a very real product with a massive cult following. FORIA Awaken, the latest innovation in marijuana-spiked lubricant, hits markets in late April and is an organic blend of eight supposed plant aphrodisiacs, leaving out the THC so it's legally accessible anywhere. FORIA's first product, Pleasure, is a beloved classic and an innovator in the bourgeoning get-high-via-your-vag movement.

Per the press release, FORIA Awaken will: enhance sensation, increase desire, improve lubrication, heighten awareness, deepen orgasms, and relax your body. As a high-powered career woman who is often too stressed to masturbate—should I move to LA?—I figured this edible, vegan, and gluten-free (!) lube would be a welcome addition to my routine, perhaps in conjunction with a vibrator. I applied the lube liberally to my clitoris, inner and outer labia, and inside my vagina, as instructed, and turned on my favorite device.

Wow?! 10/10. Everything felt incredible, though I'm devastated weed lube will now have to be a regular expense for the rest of my life. (Thirty-ml bottles of Awaken cost around $48.) While masturbating, I felt each sensation and touch was intensified, and I was more relaxed than I have been in a long time. Fuck human partners!

Their O.G. product, FORIA Pleasure—which contains THC—was even more spectacular (and more expensive: $76). Every surface felt relaxed and super-sensitive to touch.

Every time I peed it smelled like weed.

FORIA Relief, aka Vaginal Suppositories

Even though this product offers you a vehicle for shoving weed into your vagina, this isn't necessarily a sex thing. For women with terrible period cramps, the vaginal suppositories from FORIA harness the muscle-relaxing and pain-relieving properties of cannabis—without inducing a psychotropic "high"—and alleviate the back pain, abdominal cramping, and general achiness associated with menstruation. A single serving contains 60 mg of THC, 10 mg of CBD, and cocoa butter, and once you push it as far as you can into your vagina, the whole thing dissolves and starts working pretty quickly.

While I wasn't menstruating when I tried these, my body did feel tense. It was Easter Sunday, and I was nervous about seeing a Broadway play—The Little Foxes starring Cynthia Nixon and Laura Linney—with my friend's family. Plays, dramatic and long, are hard for me. So two hours before the show, I followed the product's accompanying instructions, put a pillow under my butt, and jutted my pelvis towards the ceiling. I inserted the suppository as far as I could, and it dissolved almost instantly. I stayed in that position, naked, for ten minutes as the pug I'm babysitting jumped on the bed to see what was happening, running back and forth across my face.

After 20 minutes, my muscles did feel super-relaxed, and while in retrospect I realized this experience could have gone terribly wrong, that afternoon I enjoyed the play spectacularly. I didn't even get upset or agitated when Nixon's character yelled "I hope you die—SOON" at someone. I can't wait to try these when I actually have period cramps. (That night, my masturbating experience was top-notch, and I imagine there was a correlation.)

From a discharge perspective, my underpants remained substance-free, except every time I peed it smelled like weed.

FORIA Explore, aka Anal Suppositories

Since the headline implies I tried all of these products, I held these pen-cap-sized capsules in my hand and considered putting them in my butt, which is a lot farther than most people go with anal suppositories. Anal has never been anything but excruciating for me, so I couldn't bring myself to insert them. There was nothing sexual I felt like doing with my butt or having someone do with my butt. Even sex columnists have lines.

Image courtesy of Pipedream

The Original Schlong Bong (Pipedream)

Turn "Foreplay" Into 420-play! This is the suggestion written on the box of the upsettingly lifelike dick-shaped bong I received in the mail from Pipedream. I don't really use bongs, so I don't feel like my assessment of this one would be scientifically sound. Instead of trying the bong, which is nine inches long, I'm just going to relay, verbatim, the description written on the box, which I find to be oddly poetic:

Grip it and rip it or toke it and stroke it! Either way, your smoke sesh will never be the same again once you blaze it with The Original Schlong Bong! This Wacky willy-shaped water pipe offers smooth, heavy hits as the chamber fills with smoke, and the super-sturdy balls and shaft are so strong that it will survive even the clumsiest munchy madness. Perfect for herbal enthusiasts and anyone who wants to experience a real head change, this pecker puffer will be the hit of every party! Redefine "foreplay" with 420-play and share it with your lover – once you see their lips wrap around this handcrafted ceramic stoner boner, you'll finally understand why The Original Schlong Bong is the only piece of penis paraphernalia you'll ever need!

While I'm not currently in the mood to "toke it and stroke it," as suggested, I might start bringing it to bar as a conversation piece.

For More Stories Like This, Sign Up for Our Newsletter

Stay Erect Cream, Powered by Hemp (Pipedream)

This 5-ounce tube of cream, which has cannabis sativa (hemp) seed oil as a main ingredient, is meant to be rubbed on a penis "until erection is achieved." The formula claims to help maintain a "full satisfying erection" and "prolong ejaculation." My Stay Erect cream came in the mail the evening before this article was due, so I didn't really have the time or energy to track down a dick to try it out. Instead, I'll quote Wade, who gave the product one star on Amazon.

"I tried this stuff and I got no satisfaction at all. I ordered this because of a friends advice and it did not work for me. It may work well for others but did not do a thing for me."

More from VICE

The Latest