Non-Witch Martha Stewart Attends Annual Witch Convention in Bushwick

It's almost Halloween, and that means it's time for New York's most haunted gathering: The Annual Witch Convention! As always, invites to the enchanted event were coveted by covens from coast-to-coast. Last night, myself and every witch worth her broomstick flocked to the hippest underground cave in Brooklyn's spookiest only-gentrified-enough-for-white-hipsters-to-be-upset-about-it-being-gentrified neighborhood, Bushwick.

These were the first witches I photographed at the Annual Witch Convention because they seemed to perfectly personify the "witch house" that is so popular amongst young women here in Brooklyn. They would be the poster children for witches everywhere, I thought. Young, beautiful, and goth; perfect. However, I quickly discovered that these women were, in fact, not witches at all. They just dressed like what they thought witches would dress like. The real witches at the party quickly discovered their ploy and went after them.

Here is a photo of some very tiny, yet extremely powerful witches about to perform a ritual sacrifice on one of the fake witches.

This fake witch narrowly escaped ritual sacrifice by picking up one of the tiny, powerful witches and using her as a shield. As you can see in the photo, the tiny, powerful witch is holding an even tinier, even more powerful witch, which she herself used as a shield. The tiniest witch, unfortunately, did not provide much protection. She killed everyone else pictured in this photo. This is how I learned that the tinier the witch, the more powerful they are.

I know this photo may be triggering to some people, but don't panic just yet. This "cop" is actually just a witch dressed up as the scariest thing she could think of: a white, male police officer.

The night's party was full of inventive costumes. The person on the left is not actually Drew Barrymore, but, rather, a witch who cast a spell on herself to look exactly like Drew Barrymore. The results were strikingly realistic. But I learned the hard way that the the witch on the right is not in costume. She just has a serious genetic deformity.

Here is what the Drew Barrymore witch really looks like. This photo was taken after her Drew Barrymore spell wore off at midnight.

Captured in this photo, on the other hand, is not a witch who cast a spell on herself to look like Martha Stewart. This is actually is Martha Stewart. This is all the information I can disclose because I am afraid of her powers.

Disclaimer: Martha Stewart's legal team wants to make it clear that the popular lifestyle icon is "not" a witch.