Male Feminist Unpacks Your Favorite Holiday Films

When you're sitting down to watch Christmas movies with the fam, sometimes it can be easy to fall into a slumber. But staying woke is a 24/7/365 proposition. Especially on the birthday of our most problematic religious figure, it's simply not an option to allow your Male Feminism to slip beneath the level of being insanely vocal at all times, no matter the situation. To help with this endeavor, I've prepared a helpful guide to some common Christmastime entertainments…and the proper Male Feminist responses, of course.

First, though, a word on presents: People always say that it's better to give than to receive, and folks, never is that truer than when it comes to Male Feminist opinions. If dad gets mom some jewelry, make sure your opinions—"Heteronormative much? And are those conflict diamonds?"—are locked and loaded. And make sure you pipe up if too many people give books written by white men, white women, or otherwise problematic figures. As Male Feminists, we love books, but not everyone can handle the responsibility of Hemingway.

Anyway, onto the movies. Here's exactly what to say if your family member dares to suggest that you watch any of the following "holiday" "classics."

The heartwarming story of how a family decides to skip Christmas (patriarchal holiday in which a fat guy is celebrated for breaking into people's homes) and have a relaxing time soaking up the rays and making charitable donations. Unfortunately, the Kranks' good time is ruined when their voluntourist daughter brings back her Peruvian fiancé to rub everyone's noses in her cultural appropriation. Tim Allen's Botox face makes me uncomfortable in ways I still haven't fully explained.

I didn't know Le Epic Bacon Reddit School was in session over Christmas break. Die Hard is a classic example of the white male hero complex. Bruce Willis thinks he can save the Nakatomi Plaza from a group of ragtag freedom fighters that are just trying to redistribute wealth from the one percent. John McClane is a crypto-fascist anti-hero that steals recognition from more deserving people, like Reginald VelJohnson.

Tim Allen stars as a man accidentally conscripted into being Santa after murdering the real Santa.

A beloved Claymation film in which an outcast uses his differences—glowing red nose—to guide Santa to a successful Christmas. This is much like how Male Feminists use their differences—being insanely woke—to guide the world as it moves forward into 2016. The Island of Misfit Toys is basically about Male Feminism, because we don't fit into traditional understandings of the patriarchy. Unfortunately, Rudolph should be overthrowing Santa's corrupt white male hegemony over the distribution of wealth (presents). SMDH.

Doesn't pass the Bechdel Test.

At first blush, this seems to be the work of a Male Feminist. George Bailey, who runs his family's Bailey Brothers Building and Loan, is fighting against the corrupt capitalist Mr. Potter (the Bad Patriarchy) when his incompetent uncle loses a major deposit and potentially sends the family into ruin. Bailey then tries to kill himself until he's rescued by a guardian angel who shows him how much worse the town would be without him. But if you dig a little deeper, you will actually see that Bailey's Building and Loan was among the predecessors to the subprime mortgage companies that started the financial crisis. Not only that, but when George marries Mary he prevents her from having a successful career as a librarian. And did we mention the Male Tears that George is crying when he's about to kill himself to save his family? #MasculinitySoFragile, much? Also, the guardian angel probably has some very problematic views about abortion.

Tim Allen is in this one, too.

This is the story of what happens when a problematic holiday (Halloween) tries to merge with a more problematic holiday (Christmas). Halloween may promote dressing in skimpy outfits and cultural appropriation, but Christmas perpetrates an even worse crime: consumerism. The little girls and boys arguably deserve to get spooked by the non-traditional gifts because they're falling prey to the classic American trap of thinking they deserve presents. Jack Skellington is a anticapitalist hero. The only problem is that he's a man. Or former man. Whatever.

Another movie about a heroic loner trying to teach the town that Christmas is about more than just receiving gifts. The town tries to taunt the Grinch by doing the equivalent of singing "We're not mad, we're not mad, we're not mad" until the hero succumbs to his weakness and answers the siren call. A true American tragedy.

This movie is fucking insane; you should watch it. A Supreme Court case to decide the reality of Santa Claus hinges on the delivery of some letters from the USPS. I don't even have anything to say.

Don't even get me started.

Tim Allen is in this one, too.