Dear Florida Moms: How Do I Tell if My Boyfriend Is Talking to His Ex?

Dear Florida Mom,

My boyfriend is a pig. He tosses his clothes everywhere and leaves dirty dishes next to his bed. I asked Lydia, your writer who does Ask a Hooker, and she told me to just get over it. I can't deal with it. How do I get him to stop being such a slob?

Sincerely,

My Boyfriend Is Dirty

Dear My Boyfriend Is Dirty,

Tell him, "You have to pick up or you don't get head." Or hire a housecleaner.

Sincerely,

Florida Mom

I love my boyfriend. he's attractive, has a good job, and treats me very well. But I have a suspicion that he's talking to his ex. He's been out late, and he's been texting on his phone a lot. He denies they're speaking, but my guy tells me that he is. How do I figure out if he's speaking to his ex?

Sincerely,

I Think My Boyfriend Is Talking to His Ex

Dear I Think My Boyfriend Is Talking to His Ex,

Your boyfriend is definitely cheating on you with his ex. This is a problem you will experience throughout your whole life. All people cheat. When I talk to my guy friends, they all talk about cheating. I used to cheat, but I learned my lesson cheating when I got pregnant with my son Mitchell. I had to lie about who his father was for 22 years! It was exhausting.

There are several ways to trap your boyfriend and get the truth, though. With my last ex, I looked at his texts while I was babysitting his kid. He said he was going for a walk. On the way out, he left his iPad and told the password to his toddler. Once my man left, I asked his kid to unlock the iPad. As I was cooking, text messages came through to the iPad. My boyfriend was texting his ex. I lost it. I texted him from my phone, "Can you hurry up and come back in? I'm leaving." He wrote back, "Why are you leaving?" I said, "Because I'm not getting cheated on. I'm not that fucking stupid!"

In this day and age, though, it's hard to find out a passcode on a phone. This means you often can't check his texts, and you will need to use other avenues. I recommend hiring a private investigator or getting a GPS tracker and placing it somewhere. I just put a GPS tracker on my boyfriend's car. You can put the tracker anywhere you want.

"Burn, baby!" I say. "Burn, baby! Burn! Burn!"

Sincerely,

Florida Mom

All my friends are dating rich men. They buy them dinner, take them on vacations, and pay their rent. I keep on going on first dates with losers, and I don't know what gives. How do I find a man who will pay for all my stuff?

Sincerely,

Broke and Single

Dear Broke and Single,

I've never had to be with a wealthy man (I'm rich), but I tell all my poor friends—especially if they're pretty—to date a rich man. If you're hot (I am presuming you are), then you can date rich. It's easy, but many girls fuck this up. Take my friend Stacey. She's pretty, but she's always dating poor guys because they're "hot." Then she complains about how they never buy her shit. Stacey is dumb. You don't have to be dumb, though.

If you're smart and hot, you can get a rich man in a few easy steps. First of all, definitely don't go on any first dates with a broke ass. If he seems poor, swipe to the left. If he seems rich, even if he looks ugly, go on a first date. You need a man who's gonna cover your ass. Once you're with him, use your body: flaunt it, and act pretty. I don't have eyelashes, but bat your eyelashes. And cook for him! Cooking truly is the way to a man's dick and his wallet.

Most of all, don't give it up too soon. Make him work for it. I don't know about the 90-day Steve Harvey rule, but I say wait roughly 30 days. That way he has to spend weeks thinking about your pussy and take you out on a bunch of dates to obtain the pussy. Make him feel like he's on a pussy quest. This way you find out if he's a broke ass or if he's gonna spend the money.

If you're ugly, I don't know what to tell you.

Sincerely,

Florida Mom

I'm cheating on my boyfriend. I think he found out. What do I do?

Sincerely,

Cheater

Dear Cheater,

If you cheated on him, you didn't want to stay with him. I cheated on my kids' father. I never wanted to stay with him. I did it for the kids. I never wanted to stay, so I say, dump your boyfriend—unless you're cheating on him with an ex. If you cheat with an ex, it doesn't count. If you cheat with a stranger, then it's really cheating.

Sincerely,

Florida Mom