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Identity

Mean, Cowardly Ghosters Open Their Cold Hearts to Tell Us Why They Did It

"I'd rather just pretend I'm dead than hurt someone's feelings."
Photo by Good Vibrations Images via Stocksy

If there's one thing worse than a once-promising relationship going south, it's having to tell a person, to their face, that you're cutting them out of your life.

Luckily, or not at all, there is ghosting. In an age where much of our communication happens on phones and laptops, one need not go through the uncomfortable and traumatizing experience of confrontation. Instead, you can passively make clear your negative feelings through ignored calls and texts, maybe even un-matching on Tinder and unfollowing on Twitter for good measure.

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Some believe the practice of ghosting is cruel, since it doesn't provide closure to those who have been ghosted. Others think it's a convenient benefit of modern communication, and may even use it as their main strategy for interacting with once-potential mates. We asked this second group: Why?

Read more: Insecure People Love to Sext

Corey*

I'm not proud to have ghosted on a few dudes, but it's the nature of the beast. I've recently learned to start being more open and honest about these types of things, but sometimes it's easier to just disappear à la Serena van der Woodsen. In a few instances, I've ghosted on dudes because the sex was bad after a first date, and I work too hard to deal with bad dick. Other times I've ghosted on dudes just because of a terrible first date.

My most notable ghosting took place recently. I went on a first date with this summer finance analyst (I have a thing for kids who get their first taste of money), and it was horrible. He was combative about everything we talked about and stood on a mountain declaring his many degrees. Unfortunately, we took the train home together and didn't say a word to each other the whole ride. Not much later in the week, he messaged me a few times, and I just went radio silent. There was no way to shut him down without being rude. I'd rather just pretend I'm dead than hurt someone's feelings.

Tess

Ghosting is my preferred mode for ending friendships. It's basically when I come to a point where I realize, "I see who you are and you will not change and that's OK but it's not for me." I have no real way to communicate that, so I wait, and wait, and wait to find a way to explain. By that time years have gone by and I'm a phantom.

Robert

When I first moved to Los Angeles, I went on a date at a bad gay sports bar called GYM. The date looked hot—a twink with a cute tiny butt—but he had drank a shit ton of vodka before I arrived. He slurred his words and ranted about his chaotic (but successful) life as a movie poster designer. I refused to go home with him, but agreed to text him. He asked me on more dates, but I didn't agree because I am sober. I felt bad because he meant well and had a cute ass, but my sobriety made the situation feel uncomfortable.

I wait, and wait, and wait to find a way to explain. By that time years have gone by and I'm a phantom.

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Dani

I started online dating a little more than a year ago, and since then ghosting is kind of how I stop going out with people I meet through it. I don't think there's a good cultural script for "breaking up" with someone you've only been dating a few weeks—or have only been out with once—and don't know outside of that context. There's never been a really good way to do that, and now with apps/online dating, people are in that position more and more. At least if there is a good way to do that, I haven't found it yet.

Ben

I was supposed to go hiking with this girl [who I met on Tinder] and she ended up having to work. So I went to a cafe to study. I knew it was close to her house because she gave me the general location of where she lived. So I texted her, "Hey, I'm close to you—maybe when I'm done you can come meet me for coffee." It was around 8:30 PM. She replied, "Why don't you come here? I have drinks and feel more comfortable here." She knows I don't drink. She lives alone and was inviting me over at 9 PM on a weeknight—keep in mind, we'd never met. So I went and parked and thought, Fuck this, this is insane, and made an excuse to not go. She was like, "I'll get you an Uber! Come over!" and kept calling me and texting me, berating me about it and arguing with me. I just straight up ghosted her; we had texted for about a week before all this. I was not about to go to a woman's house at 9 PM, alone, to meet for the first time, and the fact that she was so adamant about it was why I just stopped talking.

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Sarah

I had just been broken up with by my boyfriend of eight years and was looking for a rebound, so I said yes [when a former coworker asked me out]. He took me for pho on our lunch break one day, and we just shot the shit for an hour. He told me he got a job offer across the country that paid more money, and I told him to take it. We were supposed to go for drinks on Boxing Day (Canadian Black Friday), but he forgot, and I was planning on ditching him for my friends. We ended up hanging out on New Year's Eve anyway and when we got back to his place, we made out.

We did that a couple more nights over the next couple of weeks, and then he flew out to his new job. He was really into me. Too into me—he would keep texting me small talk even though we lived in different time zones. Eventually I stopped replying as quickly/frequently, and one day I was like, hey, I really like you, but you're in a different time zone and this is overwhelming. He still wanted to keep in touch, but after that I ghosted. He'd text every few weeks and I wouldn't reply. He came to visit a couple of months later and messaged me. I never replied.


*Some names have been changed.