There's a misconception about morning people that we love mornings. I'm a morning person who hates mornings. While I wake up after my first alarm and work productively in the early hours, I don't get out of bed thinking, Being alive is my favorite, or even, Being alive is not bad. Even after coffee, I'm mopey until around 3 PM, but usually well into the evening and the next day. Which is why I was fascinated by the concept of Little Rooster, a novelty vibrator alarm clock you put into your underpants before going to sleep so you can wake to its increasing-in-strength vibrations, and presumably to orgasm. "Wake slowly. Sensually. Pleasurably," the product's description reads. "Feeling confident. Happy. Aroused." This is what I want for my mornings—not scrolling through Instagram Explore with a profound and persistent sense of dread, but a sensual awakening, followed by morning masturbation, which I rarely make time for because I'm usually too focused on tracking down eggs wherever eggs are sold.The creator of Little Rooster, Tony Maggs, told me he came up with the idea because his girlfriend hated mornings, and he figured waking up to vaginal buzzing would put her in a good mood—and per his retelling, it did. "The hard bit was finding a shape that was comfortable and stayed in place," Maggs said. "I get a lot of mail. Women who wake up orgasming. Couples who are converts to morning sex. Women who simply say they love their Little Rooster because it wakes them happy and excited. My favorite message was from a Londoner who uses it to wake up at the right station on the way to work. She'd said she'd never hear her phone alarm."Suddenly, I felt a rumbling in my underwear. Dzzzzzzz. Was it morning already? I looked at my phone, which read 12:03 AM. Dzzzz. I don't know how it happened, but I'd messed it up. I didn't feel sensual or aroused—just angry. I threw the Little Rooster on the floor and went back to sleep, but not before eating the Tupperware of spaghetti in my fridge.
Watch: The History of the Vibrator
I had to try it again because this is the life I chose. The next night, I followed the inscrutable instructions extra closely and programmed it again. This time it would have to work, because I was leaving for Italy the next day and I couldn't bear the thought of packing an untested sex toy. (I hardly had space for my fourth pair of heeled sandals.) Reader, I pulled it off. At 7:30 AM, around the time the neighborhood cats take their repose after a long night of brawling by my window, I stirred. Half-asleep, I could feel a slow vibration, which was the sexual-pleasure equivalent of someone gently tapping me on the shoulder. As the buzzing increased in intensity, I still didn't find it quite powerful enough—I had perhaps chosen too weak of the 30 power settings. (I studied French literature, not computer science, and I have never "hacked" anything, so I found the technological elements confusing.) I decided to involve my hands, pressing the button to intensify the buzzing and adjusting the device—in my sleep, it had slanted to the side.Then, I was aroused. It was 7:33 AM. Almost instinctually, I swapped out the Little Rooster for the Crescendo, a new toy I've been loving that bends in a ridiculous number of ways and has six power motors. When I finished, I found I'd been so swept up in masturbating that I didn't notice a CVS birth control receipt had fully adhered to my sweaty back. There was something to unpack there, but I didn't feel like it. I felt good. I needed coffee, but I felt good.
Advertisement
The night I had scribbled, "try that rooster!!" in my calendar, which confused me for the first five minutes of looking at it, a friend was sleeping over in my bed with me, so I showed her the plastic device—it looks like a cat scratcher—and explained what was about to transpire. "I'm setting it for 7:30 AM, so don't be alarmed when my vagina starts buzzing," I said. "I promise I won't masturbate next to you." After a confusing set-up process, I programmed the current time and the alarm time and slipped it into the front of my underwear. The sleek plastic didn't feel the most natural against my vagina, but I soon forgot it was there, just as I soon forgot my friend was there and hummed "Ave Maria" until I fell asleep.Read more: I Asked Men if They Were Intimidated by This Many-Tongued Oral-Sex Machine
Advertisement
Watch: The History of the Vibrator
I had to try it again because this is the life I chose. The next night, I followed the inscrutable instructions extra closely and programmed it again. This time it would have to work, because I was leaving for Italy the next day and I couldn't bear the thought of packing an untested sex toy. (I hardly had space for my fourth pair of heeled sandals.) Reader, I pulled it off. At 7:30 AM, around the time the neighborhood cats take their repose after a long night of brawling by my window, I stirred. Half-asleep, I could feel a slow vibration, which was the sexual-pleasure equivalent of someone gently tapping me on the shoulder. As the buzzing increased in intensity, I still didn't find it quite powerful enough—I had perhaps chosen too weak of the 30 power settings. (I studied French literature, not computer science, and I have never "hacked" anything, so I found the technological elements confusing.) I decided to involve my hands, pressing the button to intensify the buzzing and adjusting the device—in my sleep, it had slanted to the side.Then, I was aroused. It was 7:33 AM. Almost instinctually, I swapped out the Little Rooster for the Crescendo, a new toy I've been loving that bends in a ridiculous number of ways and has six power motors. When I finished, I found I'd been so swept up in masturbating that I didn't notice a CVS birth control receipt had fully adhered to my sweaty back. There was something to unpack there, but I didn't feel like it. I felt good. I needed coffee, but I felt good.
Now that I've gotten a hang of the programming side of things, I would use the Little Rooster again—it works well as an alarm—before transitioning to a different vibrator as I start to wake up. The main downside to the Little Rooster is that you can't sleep naked, arguably the best part of sleeping.On a macro level, the experiment inspired me to make a note on my morning alarm—which usually says "STOP DATING MEN WHO DIDN'T FINISH THE FOURTH SEASON OF ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT"—to say, "masturbate ;)." Whether there's a device on your vagina the moment you wake up or you add one after your alarm goes off, masturbating in the morning is pretty spectacular.