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People Share How They Found True Happiness by Giving Up on Dating

"I would be more open to dating if I could get a Carfax on these dudes. A hoefax, if you will."
Photo by Ivo de Bruijn, courtesy of Stocksy

Like most young gay men, 24-year-old Paul Barry used Tinder, Grindr, and the bevy of other apps guys use to meet each other. A few months ago, though, he decided to quit dating. "I can't Netflix and chill my way through life, but how can you expect these hoes to make a commitment?" Barry explains. "Especially when there's a pretty good chance they've smashed people you know!"

Barry hasn't converted to asexuality—he still enjoys sex—but he has ended the pursuit of romantic partners through both traditional and digital channels. He'll screw when a proper mate comes along, and in the meantime, he finds himself much happier on his own. "I just felt a lot better and started making a lot more money and became massively more productive when I stopped dating, using dating apps, and thinking about dating," he says.

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Barry joins other millennials who have foregone romance, bucking the stereotype that today's young people are sex-crazed monsters who stumble around in public, swiping left and right on sordid apps like Tinder. Although the New York Times has turned the topic of millennials' sex lives into an entire genre of journalism, more and more millennials are choosing to be single in the digital era and finding happiness in the process.

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Music publicist Briana Cheng stopped seeing guys after dating became overwhelming in New York, where she lives. "[The city] is so big, there are so many people looking for something, someone, more," she explains. "It's easier to just focus on yourself." She pauses. "Wow," she jokes. "I sound like a Bible!"

Most millennials, though, have chosen to be single after negative experiences. "I would be more open to dating if I could get a Carfax on these dudes. A Hoefax, if you will," Barry explains.

Sex writer Sophie Saint Thomas probably wishes she had a Hoefax. At college, she decided to remain uncuffed after her boyfriend cheated on her and exposed her to STIs. (She tested negative and dumped him.) For two years, she cruised around, sleeping with different men without going on dates with them. "I was having sex—just with the understanding that I needed a break from attempting a relationship," she recalls. "It wasn't so much that I was scorned and put off on relationships from the negative experience, but it was a great time of change."

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During this period, Thomas explored bisexuality and kinky fetishes for the first time. "I learned so much about my sexuality—what I liked, what I didn't like—that I don't think I would have done if my focus had been on finding a partner for something long-term," she says.

Photo by Howl, courtesy of Stocksy

Many single millennials distinguish sex from dating. "I would consider them separate," explains 25-year-old graduate student Jolene.* "I don't connect dating and horniness. Dating shouldn't be this thing that fills the gaps in your sexual desires. I wouldn't date because I'm just horny."

Cheng reports that her dating abstinence has improved her sex life: "Meeting up for casual things when you need to feel something sexually, it sets expectations lower and [causes] less worrying about others, because having feelings for someone in the city will literally drive you insane."

Other millennials, though, have given up dating after traumatic experiences. "I got dumped the same month I was diagnosed with cancer, which has pretty much put me off of dating," explains Teela Wyman, a 24-year-old from Manhattan. She says that being hospitalized while getting treatment forced her to be comfortable with being alone. "I really like who I've become; now it would be hard to meet someone who could know how to make me happier than I already make myself. Dating seems like a really large time sink with little guarantee of any meaningful payoff."

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Yasmine, another millennial, quit dating because of her mental illness. "I have a borderline personality and bipolar disorder which makes relationships really difficult. I don't even try anymore. Sometimes I have sex with boys (rarely), but dating is off the table."

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Kuba, a 24-year-old in Philadelphia, quit trying to land a girlfriend after failing to end up in his "dream relationship." He fell into a depression during his single years, but believes the solitude elevated his happiness in the long term. "I really had my own internal bullshit drama to sort out before involving anyone else," Kuba says. "I'm certainly happier dating now years later, but for as much as I feel like I missed out on dating those years, I also feel like I made the right choice."

Of course, millennials don't own a monopoly on choosing to live alone. Thirty-nine-year-old conservative pundit and novelist Lisa de Pasquale literally wrote a book on dating, but she has ignored male advances for four years. "I enjoy flirting and having male friends (see my Twitter interaction with basically every male Red Eye guest), but I haven't been on a first date in at least four years," she reflects. "The last first date I went on was a literal blind date—he was blind!"

De Pasquale once dreamed about having grandchildren. Today she occasionally wishes she had a partner, but she has stopped viewing romance as a priority and has never bothered with online dating. "I've built a decent life and enjoy my alone time," she says.

Where people once worried about becoming old maids or dying alone with only occasional anonymous hook-ups, millennials are finding solace in their private space. Maybe they'll meet a partner by happenstance, or perhaps they'll spend their days content in their own homes. Either way, they're happier than they'd be scrolling through their iPhones, searching for sex. As Barry says, "I love myself and my perfect apartment more than I have the desire to be seen with anyone or have their nasty ass in my place."

*Names have been change.