Photo by Sonja Lekovic via Stocksy
Most of us have a set of rules—personal, unspoken, sometimes completely arbitrary—when it comes to sex. Kanye, for instance, seems to have a lot of wardrobe-related regulations: no spunk on the mink, no anal bleach on his T-shirt. For the rest of us, it might be where you are willing to do it (houseboat is OK, squatter's loft is not), or what you are willing to do (spanking is fine, incest role-play is off the table), or when you're willing to do it (no anal until the third date, no kissing until he's taken you to the opera). But whatever the rules, chances are you feel pretty strongly about them.Personally, I won't have sex with someone who doesn't have a proper bed. No mattresses on the floor, and no couches or futons because that's where you're crashing until you save up enough money to backpack across southeast Asia. If you have a mattress and a box spring but the box spring is just sitting on the floor—somehow that is the worst of all. Look, obviously I've made exceptions to this rule—I did live through my 20s—but I will say that I married the first man I knew who had a Tempur-Pedic. And because I've been getting chronic UTIs since literally the first time I ever had sex, I won't go all the way unless I have easy access to my magic little bottle of Macrobid.My biggest pet peeve is: Do not shove my head towards your dick while we're hooking up in hopes of me giving you a blowjob. If I'm gonna do it, I'll do it, so relax. Same applies to butt stuff. People who take sex way too seriously are also a turn-off. Sex can be a really hilarious thing (queefs, accidental head-butts, etc.) and that humor is really comforting to me. Probably the last thing is take your socks off. It's just weird if you don't.My number one is that if you aren't down with cunnilingus, I'm not having sex with you. (Exception made for the virgin I gave a pass to.)Half the fun of sex is the existentialist pillow talk that happens afterward (preferably while chain-smoking). They must be capable of that. I also refuse to fuck a man that fears menstrual blood or the consequences of anal sex. Humorless people have no business fucking asses—it's that simple.Don't put it in the butt without asking. Pull out. Don't cum on her face. Go down on her. Don't cum fast. Don't fall asleep. Make sure she finishes. Proper hygiene (pre- and post-). Make sure the guy provides the condom.I have pretty much no rules…except I just don't like butt stuff. Your cat cannot be in the room when we fuck. (Or like, sure, what do I care. It's a stupid cat.) No, your doorman can't watch. (Unless he is chill and kinda hot, and I'm drunk?) No, we cannot put on SS uniforms and have Nazi sex! Where did you even get those? (Oh, OK. But you can't 'gram this.) Yeah, I literally cannot think of one reason that would prevent me from having sex with someone I thought was hot. Maybe if they were under 18 and admitted to having fecal matter on their dong. I guess that'd be the biggest thing actually! Smells. Bad breath or heavy pube fumes wouldn't get a second date.
Advertisement
This is a good (and necessary) conversation to have with a partner, but it can be pretty enlightening to hear the sex rules of friends and strangers as well. So we asked some people to tell us about their statutes of stimulations.Read more: Sex Hacks for People Who Can't Get Enough of Life Hacks
Tanya
Abby
Humorless people have no business fucking asses—it's that simple.
Advertisement