"But, even though I'd fantasized about getting spanked, the pain came as a surprise. Like, whoa, shit, that does actually hurt a lot."
Illustration by Niallycat
My First Time is a column and podcast series exploring sexuality, gender, and kink with the wide-eyed curiosity of a virgin. We all know your "first time" is about a lot more than just popping your cherry. From experimenting with kink to just trying something new and wild, everyone experiences thousands of first times in the bedroom—that's how sex stays fun, right?
This week, we're talking to sex blogger Girl on the Net about her first time getting spanked. You can catch My First Time on Acast, Google Play, Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever you get your podcasts.
The first time I got spanked was with this guy I'd been seeing on and off at college.
We were both massive perverts. We'd read BDSM forums together for ideas—there was a forum called Informed Consent that we'd lurk on a lot. I'd wank about the stuff I read on there, and he was good at coming up with ideas too. One time, we were fucking and there was an empty wine bottle on my desk. He picked it up and said, "I'd really like to put this in your cunt. Can I put this in your cunt?" He wasn't shy about suggesting stuff for us to try!
I wasn't surprised when he suggested spanking me on the big wooden chair in the corner of his living room. It was the perfect height to kneel over and get fucked. When he said he wanted to spank me, it was really hot. I love those moments when someone suggests something in sex. Because what turns me on is doing something that someone else is really enthusiastic about.
I've been dreaming about and thinking about and wanking about being beaten and aggressively fucked since I was really young. I like to be the one being beaten—I prefer the submissive roles. But, even though I'd fantasized about getting spanked, the pain came as a surprise. Like, whoa, shit, that does actually hurt a lot.
He did that thing where he made me count off the strokes. And even though I was massively turned on, I didn't really enjoy the counting, or the pain. I couldn't work out what I actually liked about it.
I think he'd happily spent a whole evening beating me up and doing lots of filthy, pervy things. But I'm massively impatient. After five minutes of him spanking me, and just feeling his hands smacking my arse and touching my cunt, I was like, we definitely have to fuck now.
It was only a couple of months later that I realized what actually got me off. We'd gone to a fetish club, and the mistress of the dungeon was showing us around. We got to the spanking bench, and she offered to spank me.
While she was spanking me, he was holding my shoulders down. I looked at his crotch, and I could just see his dick start to grow in his trousers. It was throbbing and pressing against the fabric. And that's what I realized what got me off about spanking. It wasn't the pain. I don't want to be spanked because I'm a naughty girl. I want him to beat me because it makes him hard. I have a fetish for doing things that get guys hard.
Since then, I've played with dominant guys at fetish clubs, but sometimes they annoy me. What I'm looking for is the illusion of the loss of control. Often, guys at spanking parties and fetish clubs want to be so in control and calm and measured. That's not what I want. I want the loss of control. I want them to start smacking me and lose control and just fuck me instead.
In my experience, you need to introduce BDSM gradually with sexual partners. Don't do what I've done in the past, which is be like, now hit me in the face! Now spit in my mouth! I've probably scared a lot of guys I've had sex with—my desires can be intimidating if I don't introduce them gradually. That's been a bit of a learning experience; generally, I'm not great at communication.
Partners can push you sexually in better ways than a stranger could. You have a better rapport; he knows what sorts of things you like. If you want to feel totally out of control—if you're chasing that sense of abandonment—then a partner is better, because they can really go for it.
There's this misconception that BDSM play involves whips and chains and leathers, but so much of my BDSM play has taken place at home, in jeans and a T-shirt. You don't need a dungeon to get spanked—you don't even need any equipment, which is one of the reasons I like it. Just your hand and a naked ass.
I don't know if anything will ever fully satisfy that need I have, to watch men get hard for me. It's not about chasing the next person, or trying the next dirtiest thing. A lot of it is about chasing that moment when you get a rush of suddenly realising that this person is getting hard. Even though I've spent my whole life fantasizing about BDSM—since I was really young, lurking on BDSM forums—and I'm now a sex blogger and educator, sometimes I don't think I'm actually that great at BDSM! Like I can be tied down and do a really long BDSM scene, but most of the time I'm just like, let's fuck now already.
The first time I met my current partner we had a totally disastrous shag. It was like our second date. He'd never tried BDSM before, and I invited him back to mine and was like, "Let's fuck." He was quite taken aback by that, and was quite nervous. I kept trying to nudge him to be more powerful, and it was later on when we had a frank conversation about it that I realized I'd scared him a bit. The things I enjoy, he wasn't used to. In his head, he thought, you don't do those things to people, they're not nice. Whereas I'm used to being dominated and vigorously fucked.
Now, though, he fucks like it's the end of the world.