FYI.

This story is over 5 years old.

Identity

Someone Who's Never Seen 'Game of Thrones' Recaps the Epic Season Finale

Using only Twitter and my preconceived notions about the series, I tried to figure out what happened on last night's episode of the mythological dragon sex show. There might be spoilers ahead—I have no idea.
Photo by Helen Sloan via HBO

Thirty-seven characters lost their lives on the season six finale of Game of Thrones last night, a decrease in violence that had fans of the sensual gryphon fantasy drama wondering why exactly they had bothered to ask three of their ex-boyfriends for their moms' HBO Go passwords in the first place. The rhapsodic devastation turned deadly upon the introduction of evil centaur Nygylla Lywsyn, but soon fans realized they were foolish for their outrage. Four of the fallen—including fan favorite Anaïs Nin—were reincarnated as zombie fairies, and they flittered around in their tiny armor, which produced little clanking sounds that made the remaining cast members irate. "Ho!" exclaimed Dymbledyre at one point. "The tiny creatures sing of neither ice nor fire, but of nothing at all!"

Advertisement

The episode began in typical GoT style: a flash of two characters who have never met before having sex, followed by a 13-minute title sequence, set to village-y, flute-y music that sounds vaguely medieval but is actually just a cover of the Gilmore Girls theme song, followed by a quick trip in the Tardis to set the scene, time-wise, since on the show they do time travel in addition to living in The Lord of the Rings. The show centers on a battle between two kingdoms—Westeros, a chain of shopping malls in the US and UK that is pro-incest, and Essos, an expensive brand of drugstore nail polish that is against incest. In this episode, the focus was on how the Westeros people believed the names they had given their lands were cooler than the names the Essos people had given their lands. Luckily, a big wall separates them.

Read more: Nothing Will Stop People from Illegally Downloading 'Game of Thrones'

One of the only happy moments in this episode took place early on, when the character Sam—who also appears in The Lord of the Ringswent to a library and looked at it appreciatively, making an overt reference to how one might come up with a cool name for a kingdom like "Dorne" (by reading). This scene is also a sly nod to the fact that the series is also a book. The show's intelligent script and complex plotting has always set it apart from pure magician smut, but it's allusions like this that really drive home the fact that Game of Thrones is a TV show for smart adults, and not my teenage brother.

Advertisement

Amidst the Game of Thrones chaos, Sam was gifted the show's happiest moment when he discovered a wondrous library filled with books.

— Joshua Yehl (@JoshuaYehl)June 27, 2016

Several different types of weather got cameos: wind; rain; ice (falling from the sky); meteors; the planets being too close together and making it darker than usual; Ireland; Jon Snow. Indeed, in a plotline not dissimilar to that of another fantastical never-ending series that would really be left to the 11-16-year-olds if it weren't for the incest, the character—whose defining feature is a mustache that associates him most closely with kids who skipped two grades and only talk about World of Warcraft—was surprised to learn the identity of his father: a mid-2000s Swedish indie-pop band that frequently employs jackelope imagery.

While the jackelope will surely play a role later in the series, this was left as something like a cliffhanger. Meanwhile, the women were killing it. Literally—the show glorifies violence—but they also often look off, witheringly, into the distance, conveying their strength. Feminist readings of Game of Thrones can go on forever, of course, but given that costumes are sourced exclusively from Nasty Gal and Hot Topic, I really don't see a problem here? It's a good thing that throne (well, one of them!) is made of iron, because these ladies are fire. They are going to mold it according to their fucking needs!

Advertisement

In the Game of Thrones season finale, women are the future of Westeros — Jezebel (@Jezebel)June 27, 2016

Nevertheless, the terrifying scene in this week's finale, with the suit of armor imposing intimidatingly over the character with the deceptively pixie-ish looks, demonstrates the shaky foundations of the show's politics. While Dorne is not a patriarchal society, there is still room for improvement. (Though, of course, it could have been a lot worse.) Fortunately, the hot one, Daenerys Targaryen, is always around to look concerned. In the past I have jokingly referred to this series as a "mythological dragon sex show," but it turns out there are literal dragons on it, mainly under the control of this character, who breeds them for tasteful porn, a metaliterary touch that adds even more depth to the already deep series.

Read more: How Incest Porn Is Making a Comeback

The sex dragons only made one brief appearance in this episode, though. Shortly after an extremely significant ship appeared on the harbor behind Targaryen looking pouty and nervous, she and another hot character made it from one interestingly named location to another at a lightning-fast—and, frankly, doubtful—pace; they barely had time to Instagram a video of a baby dragon eating a strawberry. When the rapper Khaleesi tweeted it, though, they knew they had won this battle.

8 details you might have missed in the 'Game of Thrones' finale — Business Insider (@businessinsider)June 27, 2016

But will they win the war? Above all, what the series finale drove home was that HBO and George RR Tolkein have truly succeeded in using taboo sex themes to trick millions of adults into not only watching but also promoting a TV series otherwise best suited for prepubescent boys. The prepubescent boys will be forever changed, and as JK Rowling scrambles to remain relevant in these sex-obsessed times, one thing is for certain: By the old gods or the new, people around the world will continue to make porn parodies of Game of Thrones for a very long time, but it kind of doesn't matter, because the real thing is basically the same.