'The Bachelorette' Premiere Took Viewers into the Horniest Circle of Hell

FYI this post contains some spoilers.

The premiere of Rachel Lindsay's season did not disappoint, in terms of the number of times I had expected to cringe and mutter, "I hate that." I wasn't looking forward to immersing myself in Bachelor Nation ever again after my boyfriend and I were inducted into the cult when we watched last season of The Bachelor, with Nick Viall, on a whim. (See above to get a sense of how that went.) Last night, though, I found myself tuning in to see how one American's journey for love would unfold. (And despite his adamant resolve to be a better person this time, my boyfriend did too.)

This American in particular is a lawyer from Texas who has so far focused on her career (aside from taking time out to be a contestant on The Bachelor last season) and is ready to focus on finding a husband. She's also the first black Bachelorette, and her season is already being hailed for this as well as the fact that it has the most diverse cast in Bachelor history.

That doesn't mean, however, that the cast is good. As a newcomer to The Bachelorette, I had an interest in seeing what the competitive-harem concept would look like when a bunch of guys are competing for one woman. One thing that's immediately noticeable is that the type of men who sign up for reality TV shows come across so much worse than women who do the same. Up top, the show cycles through some video bios of a few of the men. Here are a few of the worst:

Mo, who later says nothing to Rachel at the meet-and-greet cocktail party because he gets too drunk: "My greatest accomplishment is launching my startup."

Lucas, who likes saying "waboom": "Wa-ah-ah-ah-ah-boom!… The word 'waboom' grew from the word 'boom,' but it has a lot more energy behind it."

Blake, a personal trainer: "I work out regularly, intensely, which raises testosterone, so I would say scientifically my libido is above average. My last relationship was mostly sex-based, or sex-driven. I'm so grateful for that because from a sex-education standpoint I totally went from a high school degree to a PhD. I don't want to be that guy who talks about his penis, but how many women have told me about the amazingness of my penis?"

After the men introduce themselves to the audience, of course, they introduce themselves to Rachel. As they arrive in groups in limos, most men make the choice of either cat-calling Rachel out the window, or commenting on how hot she is amongst themselves in the way that certain men do when they are in talking distance from one another but don't really have anything to say. The intros on The Bachelor/ette are supposed to be corny, I guess? One guy exits the limo carrying a block of ice and a sledgehammer (Rachel says something like, "Should I be scared for my life?"), throws the ice onto the ground, and hits it with the hammer. "I just wanted to break the ice," he says.

Many more men do corny stuff, and Rachel graciously laughs at their "jokes." She does a lot of "listening face," but she seems genuinely stoked about meeting this rag-tag team of potential husbands. She pretty much loses it when a guy, Bryan, says something in Spanish to her and tells her that she's going to "be in trouble." The only move for which she expressed outright dislike was when Josh, who had previously stated his occupation was "Tickle Monster," attacked her with tickles. She even told a white guy who said he was ready to go black and never go back that she was totally cool with that, and in fact liked that he said it!!

On one hand, as I'm watching this, I'm screaming on the inside because the situation seems like hell on earth: Thirty-one wack guys cast mostly because they will appear ridiculous on TV and hopefully fight verbally and physically. I do not understand how Rachel finds any of these men appealing. But, on the other hand, I remember that the show, while transparently cynical, is also partly about someone finding a person that they like to date; Rachel is open to "the process" and giving everyone a chance. And even though they're wack, it's probably cool to have a bunch of men fighting over you and saying that you're hot.

Once inside the mansion, everyone is vying to get in queue for a face-to-face chat. Women get a lot of shit for the way we're perceived to handle competition, but what men do is immeasurably more inept. Like dogs peeing on various things to mark their territory, they fight by trying to be the loudest to say how pretty Rachel is. Some have already taken to calling Rachel their wife. They also can't stop pointing out how many other "fly" men are in the room, which is really funny. They absolutely cannot handle it. I look forward to seeing how the homosocial bonding develops.

All of the conversations between the guys and Rachel are awkward, but there's one "chat" that seems particularly notable and tone-setting: When Bryan, the Spanish smooth-talker, gets his one-on-one time, he does some corny stuff that Rachel likes and then goes in for a big horny kiss, which she also likes. Bryan categorically comes across as a douche, and is also wearing an ill-fitting suit, but I don't think that matters in Bachelor Nation; early on, horniness is one of the most important elements in this process. At the end of the night, Bryan gets the first impression rose.

I think another dynamic to watch for, aside from subtle racism, is going to be the feud between the "waboom" guy, who continues to say "waboom" throughout the night and receives a rose for his efforts, and Blake, the personal trainer who particularly hates him. Blake made a point of taking the "waboom" guy aside and telling him he doesn't trust his motives for being here (classic). It reminds me the rivalry between Taylor, a psychologist who thought she was really put together, and Corrine, last season's unlikeable crazy person. Taylor didn't think Corrine was on the show "for the right reasons." In that scenario, Taylor was ultimately taken down by the fact that she paid far too much attention to Corrine and came across as an annoying tattle-tale. Plus, I'm sure that Chris Harrison, the devil, wanted Corrine on the show for as long as possible.

One of my personal goals for the season is to lower my disgust for most of the men on this show and root for at least a few of them. So far my favorites are Kenny, a pro wrestler who seems like a nice dad, and Peter, who has a Mac Demarco-esque gapped-tooth smile and seems really hot. I hope everyone else watching also takes stock of their intentions and stays hydrated.