The Broadly Guide to Marijuana

The most unnecessarily masculine weed strain name.

With the advent of legal weed you can now buy any type of marijuana edible imaginable, but weed brownies are a classic. Famously, Alice B. Toklas (Gertrude Stein's lover) included a recipe for "hashish fudge" in her 1954 book, The Alice B. Toklas Cook Book. In the 1960s pot brownies were synonymous with the poet's name, and she's credited with being the namesake of the term "toke." (Alternate entries: bong, bowl, blunt, brick, buzz, burrito.)

Cannabidiol, or CBD, is one of the known cannabinoids in weed that has no psychoactive effects. There have been plenty of studies that tout CBD as a potential miracle cure for everything from broken bones to childhood epilepsy. Some of these claims are simply overblown, and the FDA has been cracking down on marijuana startup companies that sell CBD-branded products yet contain minimal amounts of the cannabinoid.

Dabs, or hash oil, are highly concentrated marijuana extracts. DIY dabs are traditionally made by adding butane gas to a canister packed with weed. This method of getting super stoned honestly sounds like something that only a fuckboy would undergo. For those less inclined to play with flammables, dabs can also be extracted by using a hair straightener.

I don't keep an emergency stash on purpose, exactly, but sometimes I'll put some weed in a container, lose the container, and then find it again, unexpectedly. That's always cool.

A "fatty" is both a huge blunt and a huge ass--usually a woman's. Both variations of the term are used exclusively in rap songs, it seems.

Hot tip: Chewing gum can help stave off the munchies. When you find yourself reaching for a bag of "spicy nacho" Doritos, grab a pack of gum instead. Or fuck it, whatever. Eat the Doritos.

This term refers to a strain that is cultivated by cross-breeding sativa and indica parent strains. The result can be either sativa-dominant or indica-dominant. Girl Scout Cookies, a strain of cannabis that's been "cropping up" everywhere in the past few years, is a hybrid.

Indica strains are marked by their calming, body high. If you want to get stoned and then enjoy doing absolutely nothing, go with an indica.

JWH is a synthetic cannabinoid found in "legal weed," known as spice or K2. It's far more dangerous than the illegal stuff.

Kush is weed, but not all weed is kush. Kush is a type of indica that gets its name from the Hindu Kush mountains. The moniker is often rendered meaningless, though, when brands, dispensaries, or your shady dealer falsely label their strains to boost sales.

You know you're stoned when you a) realize you've been trying to take "the perfect selfie" for over two hours and b) have lizard eyes in every photo. What's lizard eyes, you ask? Well, there comes a time, probably around the second packed bowl, when your eyes stop opening as wide as they once did, take on a reddish tint, and somehow start sliding further away from each other. This is what I like to call "lizard eyes." Or rather, this is the stage of the night when someone points at me and says, "Hey, you look like a lizard."

The next time you're on your period: Get a heating pad, an 8th of your favorite indica, queue up a week's worth of films from the Netflix category "Movies With A Strong Female Lead," and don't move for 4-7 days. (See: "Wake and Bake.")

Highly recommended and sometimes unavoidable. (See: "Wake and Bake.")

It's basically a fact that consensual stoned sex is superior to consensual not-stoned sex. Another fact: For women, marijuana acts as an aphrodisiac and, for men, excessive weed use can lead to erectile dysfunction.

Eat it!

Weed transforms Wikipedia from a resource into an activity.

Hot tip: Say, for example, your dealer won't text you back--he's playing hard to get, possibly, or is in jail--and you're out of weed and you're going to die. If you smoke out of a bowl, or whatever, you can scrape out the tar-like substance--the resin--that builds-up inside and smoke it. In the presence of non-smokers you'll definitely look desperate and "out of control" while doing it, but if you're dry, that's a risk you'll be willing to take.

Sativa strains are marked by their upbeat, euphoric high. If you want to get stoned and then party, go with a sativa.

Tetrahydrocannabinol, or THC, is the main psychoactive cannabinoid in marijuana. Duh.

What are we talking about again?

If you're going to smoke weed everyday, per Dr. Dre's recommendation, a vape is essential. If you're going to smoke weed everyday in style, you might want to check out these bedazzled vaporizers.

Spending a whole day stoned can be a luxurious way to maximize a lazy Sunday if done infrequently. It can also be "a problem," my therapist keeps telling me.

Mix this with weed for when you want to be X-tra chill.

Sometimes it's funny and sometimes it's not. Try it at your discretion.

Smoke a joint and go to the zoo. Have you noticed how crazy most animals look?