"I started feeling this rush when I was around her and I didn't know how to pinpoint the way it made me feel. I'd look at her lips and think, I feel something."
Illustration by Niallycat
My First Time is a column and podcast series exploring sexuality, gender, and kink with the wide-eyed curiosity of a virgin. We all know your "first time" is about a lot more than just popping your cherry. From experimenting with kink to just trying something new and wild, everyone experiences thousands of first times in the bedroom—that's how sex stays fun, right?
This week, we're talking to Imogen Dive about the moment she realized she was bisexual—and her first time with a girl.
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I feel like I had two first times when it comes to girl-on-girl experiences, because different sexual acts happened on both occasions. Growing up, I'd kiss my female friends at parties—to turn guys on, or for practice—and I definitely felt something while I was doing it. I probably enjoyed it more than most people.
I didn't start having sex until I got to university, and it unleashed something within me. I wanted to have sex all the time, with lots of people. Before then I'd had boyfriends, but I'd always stopped them when they tried to have sex with me—I think in part this was because I'd an eating disorder when I was at school, and I was scared. When I started having sex I was like, wow, what have I been missing out on. I saw guys as a means to having a lot of pleasure physically and I wasn't really looking for an soppy, loving relationship.
My first-ever girl on girl experience developed slowly out of quite an intense friendship. I'd moved to France and ended up being hospitalized. I'm kind of coming out of this very deep depression, and I meet a girl who's on the same ward as me. We spend all our time lying outside in the grass, just connecting on this very deep level.
I started feeling this rush when I was around her and I didn't know how to pinpoint the way it made me feel. I'd look at her lips and think, I feel something. This sensation would come over my body when I was around her. I'd want to be physically close to her, all the time. Because I'd never been with a girl, it was all new to me, but I knew it was something special.
After we left the hospital we'd go on what I now see were dates together. We'd sit in restaurants and just stare into each other's eyes for the longest time. I felt so good when I was around her.
One day we were at her flat smoking hash and playing each other our favorite songs, and we kept looking into each other's eyes in this romantic way. I don't know if it's because we're relaxed because of the hash, but the next thing I know is that we're kissing each other. We're in this dreamy, beautiful hash haze, and I'm suddenly so turned on by this sexual desire, and I want to have sex. I don't know anything about lesbian sex, so I don't know what's coming next. But it felt so natural to be kissing her and so wonderful and I just gradually let things escalate.
We don't go down on each other but there's lots of touching, being super turned-on, making out, just rolling around. It feels more sensual and emotive and like there's more of a connection than male-female penetration, which for me always felt quite animalistic. It's different. The sex I had with her felt more natural, more connected.
Afterwards, I move back to the UK and I leave her and all this behind, like it's this delicious hazy dream. I don't tell anyone about what happened, I just box it up and put it away and start getting with guys again.
Later, I become friends with this girl who's bisexual. And she's super-cool, and she's so open about it, and she kind of opens my eyes to how bisexuality can be a cool thing. It's like what happened in France takes on a new meaning. I hadn't been ashamed about what happened in France, but I was wary, and she helped me to open my eyes to the possibility of being bisexual.
Watch: How to Get Over Your Ex
After I break up with a really horrible ex-boyfriend, I make a proactive and conscientious return to dating girls. I think, you know what? I had this incredible connection with a girl and she turned me on in a really incredible way. I think, hmm, it could be fun to see what could happen with a girl.
Also, I never came with guys in the same way that I had with the girl in France. I always felt better about myself when I had a boyfriend, but the sexual experiences—even when I really fancied them and the sex was great—didn't turn me on in the same way they did with that girl. Something was lacking.
Later, I met this girl and felt an instant desire to kiss her. She was incredible. All these feelings came rushing back, that whole body sensation, and I just wanted to know how the rest of sex with a woman went. Again, there was this deep connection. I call this my second first time experience.
I was apprehensive, because I really wanted it to be good for her, and I didn't know what I was doing. But we'd talked about sex a lot beforehand, just sexting and stuff like that. She'd ask me, when you're touching yourself, how do you do it? So when it happened, it felt quite natural.
It's really fucking good when a girl goes down on you. They know what they're doing because they have the same anatomy as you. And you can have sex for longer, and it's much more fluid—like, you’re going down on me and now I’m touching you and it's just about pleasing that other person. I think that's quite unique to girl-on-girl sex.
Now, I feel like I have a lot more respect for myself and for my body. When I sleep with guys now I look for more intimacy and a connection, not just straight-up sex. I think it's so good to experience both heterosexual and lesbian sex, because there are so many different elements you can take from each and bring to the other.