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We Asked Luxury Hotels About Their Policy on Golden Showers

Jan 11 2017 3:00 PM
We Asked Luxury Hotels About Their Policy on Golden Showers

Photo by Ani Dimi via Stocksy

In the light of the new allegations involving Trump’s extracurricular activities, we phoned a bunch of luxury hotels to check out their facilities.

Late last night, extremely unverified rumors about President-Elect Donald Trump's extracurricular Russian hotel room activities were made public by BuzzFeed. To use a hot piece of 2017 vernacular, they were extra.

The claims were made by someone claiming to be a former British intelligence officer, in a dossier that has been circulating for months now (Mother Jones first reported its existence in October 2016). Buzzfeed's decision to make public the contents of the dossier without verifying its contents raises profound issues about journalistic ethics, but that's a discussion for weightier minds than mine. You're here for piss talk, and I'm going to give it to you.

The document alleges Russia has been "cultivating, supporting, and assisting" Trump for five years, and that intelligence services have fed him information about his political opponents. It also claims that Russian intelligence gleaned some bedwetting-ly juicy kompromat (otherwise known as "compromising material") after Trump's stay in the bugged presidential suite of the Moscow Ritz Carlton Hotel.

During this alleged stay, Trump apparently employed a number of sex workers to perform what the report describes as a "'golden showers' (urination) show" in front of him. The alleged reason for this ammonia-soaked performance? The dossier claims that Trump knew that Barack Obama and Michelle Obama, "whom he hated," had stayed in the same suite, and he wished to defile the hotel bed.

Read more: Preparing for a Potential Trump Presidency with an Extreme Survivalist Course

Anyway, all of this is unconfirmed, and as BuzzFeed points out, "unverified and potentially unverifiable." Trump tweeted of the allegations: "FAKE NEWS—A TOTAL POLITICAL WITCH HUNT." His lawyer, Michael Cohen, also told Mic that the claims were "fake news," "ridiculous on so many levels," and "absolutely silly."

But in the furor about Trump's alleged hotel room activities, it occurred to me that no one was asking the real people who mattered: housekeeping! After all, they are the unfortunate souls who will have to unpeel customers' luxuriant toupees from any allegedly urine-soaked beds and blow dry them back into shape.

But is bedwetting ever acceptable in a five-star hotel? As I never stay in five-star hotels and am seldom publicly incontinent, I really don't know. Rather than be a piss-poor excuse for a journalist, I thought I'd find out by calling some fine establishments to find out their policies on golden showers. Here's what they had to say.

Photo via Wikimedia Commons

The Park Lane Hilton

I'm definitely nervous making the first call but as it turns out, there was no need for concern.

BROADLY: Hi, I have a question. If I was a guest in one of your rooms and urinated in the bed, would that be okay?
Yes, certainly.

That would be okay?
[Brightly] Yes.

Verdict: Extremely pissable

Photo via Flickr user Tony Webster

Trump Hotel, Las Vegas

I call the Trump Hotel in the middle of the night, their time, and am told by a toneless employee that in-room watersports will be assessed, and charged, on a case-by-case basis. Trust a Trump establishment not to pass up a golden opportunity to screw you out of some extra cash.

Hi there. If I had an accident in one of your rooms and urinated in the bed, would this be a problem? Would there be an extra charge?
Whaaat?

If I urinated in your bed, would I have to pay extra?
Yes.

Do you know what the charge is for that?
Depends how bad it is.

So if there was just a little bit of wee, how much would that be?
I can't give you a price without investigating.

Verdict: Can piss, but will cost you.

Photo via Flickr user Harvey Barrison

Claridges

Claridges is about as British as five-star hotels come, which means housekeeping was supremely unflustered and unfailingly polite when I ask permission to relieve myself in their beds. They were so nice! Anyway, I'm gushing.

Hi, I was wondering if it would be possible for me to piss in one of your beds?
If you told us in advance we'd be able to put rubber sheets on to protect the mattress. We could put a waterproof mattress protector on the bed.

Would there be an additional charge?
No, we do have mattress protectors, we'd just need to know in advance when you make your reservation. That would be fine.

Verdict: Piss responsibly.

The Goring Hotel

If you don't know, The Goring is where Kate Middleton stayed the night before her wedding to Prince William. As a hotel beloved of the British royal family—who are notoriously uptight when it comes to bodily functions, tampons aside—I'm operating under the assumption that bedwetting probably isn't okay.

Hi, do you have facilities for golden showers in your rooms?
For what?

Golden showers?
What is a golden shower?

It's when people urinate on each other.
[Long, contemptuous pause] Not that I'm aware of.

Verdict: Do not piss.

Photo via Wikimedia Commons

The Dorchester

Wringing out my last drop of enthusiasm for this project, I call the Dorchester. Unfortunately, they bounce me around on hold for a while, and I eventually give up. After all, when you've got to go, you've got to go.

Hi, I was just wondering. If someone had an accident and urinated in your bed, would that be a problem?
It would be, yes.

What would happen in that situation?
I wouldn't be able to tell. Let me transfer you to housekeeping.

[Extremely long wait; I eventually give up.]

Verdict: Unknown but probably not okay.

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