​Woman Swallows $7,000 Vacation Fund to Spite Cheating Husband

When Sandra Milena Almeida, from Piedecuesta in northeastern Colombia, turned up at hospital complaining of intense stomach pains, doctors weren't expecting to find dozens of rolled-up $100 bills in her stomach. Medical staff initially thought that the rolls were bags of drugs, but Almeida was no drugs mule. She swallowed the money—$7,000 in total—after discovering her partner was cheating on her.

After discovering her partner's infidelity, the Daily Mail reports that Almeida planned to use the money—which she'd saved from selling off her electrical household items—to leave him. This raises an important question: Who knew the second-hand electrical market in Columbia was so buoyant?

Pretty amazingly, doctors at Santander University Hospital in Bucaramanga managed to save $5,700 of Almeida's money after cleaning and drying the notes out post-surgery. What can we learn from this? That, while storing large sums of money in your stomach isn't the best idea; it's not as dumb as, say, booking to go to Fyre Festival.

"We took the patient into surgery for two procedures to clear the blockage, on her stomach and intestine," chief surgeon Pablo Serrano told Colombia's Radio Caracol. "The dollar notes were washed and are in good condition, but the rest of the money was lost because of the gastric fluids."

Seeing as Almeida has turned out basically okay—she's going to be shitting cash for a while but at least she's free of that cheating jerk—should we all take our 501ks out of cold storage and warm them up with a little gastrointestinal juice?

Joking! None of us have 501ks—we're broke millennials! But is it really such a bad thing to chomp down a crisp roll of notes? After all, it the financial crisis of 2008 taught us one thing, it's that banks aren't always the safest place for your cash! Just ask Iceland. Why not keep your savings a little closer to home?

"Of all the places you can hide money!" exclaims registered dietitian Jo Travers. "I mean, why somebody would think that's a sensible thing to do is…"

Despite this, you probably won't die if you eat the cash equivalent of a mid-range breast augmentation or a family-sized car. "Notes are mostly made out of linen and cotton, so I'm not sure there's anything specifically toxic in there," Travers explains. "It'll just be some not very good quality protein in there, not a great deal nutritionally."

But won't used bank notes make you sick? After all, they're notoriously covered in piss and drugs residue.

"Our stomachs have loads of stomach acid in them," she responds, "so things don't get through. The general dirt, grime and bacteria you'd find on a bank note would be destroyed by your stomach acid anyway."

Despite this, eating money does come with risks. "The main problem is that the doctors had to cut open her intestines to get the money out," Travers explains. "Your intestines are really important, because it's where secretion of enzymes and nutrients come from. So if you have scar tissue there, that will affect how you can digest food in the future. It's not a sensible course of action."

One final piece of advice? "Just bury it in the garden," Travers suggests. To which I'd add, if you don't have a garden, buy a safe.