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'You Blew My Best Friend': Girls Review Their Gay Ex-Boyfriends

The showtune sing-a-longs were great, but the sex was third-rate.
Image via Stocksy

For every gay man, there is a heterosexual girl he dated in high school. Though the oral sex is usually a one-way street, the kissing is subpar, and the snuggling rarely leads to thrusting, there's still something magical about these young romances. No wonder some women end up in "companionate marriages" with their best homo friends, where everything but sex is on the table.

Today on Broadly, several straight women who fell for closeted gay guys are reviewing their exes' capabilities as lovers. In some ways, their dalliances are sweet. The couples cuddle. They sing showtunes and listen to Sinead O'Conner. But the boys can also be cruel, blowing their girlfriends' best friend in the jacuzzi and using them to make their real crushes jealous.

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Here are beards' reviews of the gay boys they dated years ago.All names have been changed.

Helen

The first boy I ever kissed was a makeup artist and choreographer at the community theater where I performed in junior high. He would only make out with me in front of his crush, Michael. He'd be like, "Oh, here comes Michael. Let's kiss to make him jealous!" As soon as Michael left he'd be like, "Get off me!" Somehow I never registered that he was gay.

When he made me dinner, he'd wear his mother's dress.

Michaela

Stu and I were in the same musical theater group. We connected over a mutual love for showtunes and close harmonies. Our mothers made our costumes, and we performed in a Christmas pantomime every year. It was the biggest entertainment event in our town. (It was a small town.) We were 12, or maybe 13.

At school, people called Stu a "poof" and claimed he was gay. In the context of the playground, I knew the words meant Stu didn't conform to gender norms. I didn't link the words to sexuality until much later.

Stu was my first boyfriend, my first proper kiss. I remember it well, at the school disco, the air clogged with hairspray and cologne. Stu was a great boyfriend—he was attentive, and he shared my interests. Some days, we would even sing together. He just kind of got me.

Eventually we broke up. Stu got married to a woman, settled down, and then eventually came out in his 30s.

And boy, did he come out. He now lives in an apartment by the beach with his pet Chihuahua, runs his own theater school, and posts pics of himself on Facebook, buffed and tanned on the beaches of Sitges. Every post is literally about how gay he is. But also, how happy.

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Helen (again)

Michael was my high school boyfriend. When he made me dinner, he'd wear his mother's dress and I thought, This is just like Andy Warhol's Factory! It felt so cool.

Deep down, I just didn't want to feel like I was living in Indiana. Michael and I would do New York things like eat hummus, talk about Woody Allen, and listen to David Bowie and Sinead O'Connor. We would lay in the backyard staring at the stars. It was fine that he didn't want to spend time with my body because I hated my body. Later, he'd tell me that the reason he never wanted to have sex with me was because I talked so much about being fat. He thought I was trying to convince him not to pursue me. I wasn't.

In a town where everyone cared exclusively about looks and money, I loved that Michael cared about film and music, but I felt bummed out when he didn't want to kiss me or have sex. When I look back, though, I can see that he really got to play and be himself with me because I never judged him—and he really did look amazing as a woman.

He was terrified of my boobs.

Samantha

When Leo slept at my house, we cuddled the entire night. I haven't even slept that well with my husband of eight years. Considering how often Leo and I cuddled, it's amazing that we never made out.

I know he had a huge crush on my other gay best friend, Hunter. They don't keep in touch, but Leo would hook up with Hunter if he could. Hunter was one of Leo's first crushes, and he still thinks he's hot (and Leo is in an open marriage).

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Jane

I had a crush on Paul. When he kissed me behind a trailer, that was it. We made out behind that trailer so many times, one of our friends reported us to the principal for PDA. She contacted our parents and told us to "rein in" our affection. Sometimes Paul would actually come at me with his tongue already out of his mouth!

Paul liked to feel me up in my grandmother's closet, but he was terrified of my boobs. One time we switched to a handjob on my bed. My grandma walked in but thankfully her gaydar was just as bad as mine—she had no idea that her innocent granddaughter had a budding homosexual's dick in her hand.

I'm unsure when Paul embraced his gayness, but it was probably sometime between jerking off our classmate in my hot tub and blowing my best friend in my bathroom. This is probably why fucking his brother in college, who has a much bigger dick, was so satisfying.

P.S. While writing this, I've realized that Paul's fucked more guys in my house than I have. He's not allowed over any more.