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You're Sad Because Your Ancestors Fucked Cavemen

A 2016 study suggests that modern-day descendants of trysts between Neanderthal and humans have an increased risk for depression, tobacco abuse, and UTIs.
Photo by Kevin Russ via Stocksy

Over 100,000 years ago—and as recently as 47,000 years ago—Neanderthals and the ancestors of modern humans outside of Africa had a love affair for the stone ages. Now research suggests that the genetic effects of interbreeding between the two distinct Homo subspecies are still present in European humans today.

According to the Scientific American, modern descendants of the tryst have 1.5 to 2.1 percent Neanderthal DNA. After isolating 135,000 Neanderthal genetic variations and comparing them to 28,000 adults of European ancestry using a genome database and each person's corresponding health records, Vanderbilt researchers discovered that this isn't necessarily good news for white people. "Neanderthal DNA influences a broad range of traits relevant to disease risk in modern humans," Tony Capra, one of the authors of the study, told Live Science. Among those health risks are smoked tobacco addiction—despite the fact that Neanderthals had no access to tobacco, a crop that originated in the Western hemisphere—and the increased likelihood of a heart attack.

The study's lead researcher Corinne Simonti told Broadly that some of the downsides of Neanderthal genetic material could have initially been positive. "It's quite possible that the negative effects on health we find today could have been beneficial in a different environment," she said. "For example, we found one region [of DNA] to be associated with increased blood clotting, which can lead to many health complications like stroke and pulmonary embolism. However, blood clotting is also your body's first line of defense from bacteria that have entered the blood, so it's possible that this could have had positive effects thousands of years ago."

Neanderthal DNA also affects depression, but it's not as straightforward. "Having Neanderthal DNA in some regions of your genome increases your risk, but having it at other regions decreases your risk," Simonti says. She theorizes that genetic material from Neanderthals could have changed how the human body interacts with UV radiation. "We still don't fully understand many psychiatric disorders like depression," she concedes, "though there have been some connections to light exposure. We know Neanderthal DNA impacts some skin traits, so if some of the regions in your genome that you got from Neanderthals change how your body interacts with UV radiation by changing these skin traits, this could affect your risk for depression."

Most unfortunately, Neanderthal DNA could even increase the risk of urinary tract disorders and infections, a girl's worst nightmare: "Given that having Neanderthal DNA in certain regions of the genome seems to impact your immune system," Simonti says, "I wouldn't be surprised if several of these had an impact on your risk for a UTI."