Extreme Self-Care for Modern Ladies

Womanhood today is a wonderland of freedom and opportunity, but do you ever lean in so far you find yourself teetering on the edge? These self-care tips will take you from having a breakdown to having it all.

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Aug 4 2015, 6:15pm

Image by Kat Aileen

Womanhood today is a wonderland of freedom and opportunity, but do you ever lean in so far you find yourself teetering on the edge? These self-care tips will take you from having a breakdown to having it all:

Serenity begins with a cleansing morning ritual. Invest in an invigorating eucalyptus shower scrub, and schedule your therapy at the start of the day. To avoid having to rush in the morning, decide the night before whether you'd like to be judged harshly for being too sexy or not sexy enough. Stick a Post-It note to the medicine cabinet to remind yourself, "You're beautiful!" Laminate the Roe v. Wade decision and use it as a shower curtain. Place a photo of a powerful white man in the toilet and flush. You are now prepared to greet the day.

Bake yourself a single-serve cake in a coffee mug. Bake a smaller single-serve cake in a thimble, with poison, and serve it to a Barbie doll as a comment on unattainable standards of beauty.

An important part of self-care is taking time to treat yourself. Buy a fro-yo. Buy a new lipstick. Indulge in a guilt-free slice of pie or expressing an opinion without apologizing first. Bake yourself a single-serve cake in a coffee mug. Bake a smaller single-serve cake in a thimble, with poison, and serve it to a Barbie doll as a comment on unattainable standards of beauty. Buy a bath bomb at Lush. Buy a real bomb and plant it inside the headquarters of a right-wing establishment. Receive oral sex without reciprocating and post about it on your blog.

A hobby is a great way to blow off steam. Shame-based sexual double standards leave you feeling dirty? Learn to make soap! Start an Etsy. Start a female-owned small business. Start a riot with your BFFs and loot a Sephora. Calgon, take you away from this patriarchal hellhole and deliver you to Galhalla, where the Indigo Girls and Audre Lorde will greet you at the pearly gates with a Groupon for bottomless mimosas. L'chaim, lady! To life without fear of walking alone at night with your headphones in!

Sometimes you just need to get away from it all. Why not take a staycation to escape oppressive gender dynamics at work? Order men in the office to treat you with respect, but first, order in! Chinese? Thai? Tonight, girlfriend, you have the right to choose! Make an all-natural face mask by mixing coconut oil, lemon juice, and baking soda, then throw it in the face of the Seamless man as punishment for delivering toxic masculinity to your door. Donate his tip to a rape crisis center, then binge watch a whole season of Law and Order: SVU. While you eat, sip a glass of rosé. Shake up a cosmo! Crush a tablet of Plan-B and snort it off a copy of The Second Sex with a bubble tea straw. You've come a long way, baby!

One in three women will be sexually abused in her life, but tonight, three in three women are doing Bioré Deep Cleansing Pore Strips.

Even the toughest glass ceiling breaker needs a night in with the girls now and then. Ladies night! Chicks before dicks, hoes before bros, career before family-or is it the other way around? Tonight, nobody's asking you to decide. Gather your gal pals and raise your consciousness! Raise a child on a separatist commune with gender neutral wooden toys! Raze a fraternity house! Raise your skirt and experiment with lesbianism! Sit around in a circle and ask each other, "Should I get bangs?" One in three women will be sexually abused in her life, but tonight, three in three women are doing Bioré Deep Cleansing Pore Strips.

Before you go to sleep at night, unwind by writing in your dream journal. Write something like, "The ERA has passed and tampons are now subsidized by the state." Close your eyes and count sheep: one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, Title IX is a landmark federal law that prohibits sex discrimination in education. Tomorrow will be a brighter day, a new day, free of date rape, marital rape, corrective rape, coercive rape, forced prostitution, female genital mutilation, sex trafficking, transvaginal ultrasounds, limited access to birth control, stoning, flogging, honor killing, forced sterilization, and men who tell you to smile on the street.