The Broadly Guide to Shaming

Over the summer, as California was just beginning to turn into an arid hellscape, everyone got mad about how much water goes into producing one almond, and then everyone else got mad because they felt like the humble almond had been unfairly demonized. The term "almond shaming" was used in earnest.

Body shaming is like fat shaming, but for literally everything on the human body. Under the tenets of body shaming, it is possible to fit shame, skinny shame, hand shame, armpit shame, chin shame, nipple shame, eyebrow shame, etc.

"Creep shaming" is a term that some men on the Internet made up because they would like to continue aggressively mouth-breathing near openly uninterested women while their half-turgid penises stir in the depths of their cargo shorts with impunity. Being a creep is objectively shameful.

Dog shaming is when people take pictures of their dogs looking guilty next to signs describing what the dog did wrong. Dog shaming is the best shaming; dogs are cute and they love to poop in places they shouldn't, which is objectively funny.

Taco Bell once tried to shame the Unicode Consortium for not having a taco emoji. Taco Bell was, as usual, on the right side of history.

Fat shaming was one of the first –shaming subcategories to slither out of the primordial swamp of the internet. This makes sense, seeing as we live in a deeply superficial society that expects its members to live up to basically untenable physical standards and punishes them for their failure to do so. People say that men suffer the effects of fat shaming as much as women do, but you guys were reposting think pieces about the allure of dad bod all summer, so.

There are 184,000 Google results for "gluten shaming."

Like creep shaming, fedora shaming targets something objectively shameful.

It's real!

Every summer, someone writes an article about how men should not wear shorts to work, and someone else writes a rebuttal about how it's OK if men wear shorts to work. It is something we do to distract ourselves from the terrifying certainty of death.

Kink shaming, like all forms of [adjective] shaming, is self explanatory: It's when you shame someone for a particular kink. This is a very contentious area on Tumblr, it seems; however, the subject also spawned an extremely approving essay about the episode of Friends where Monica thinks Chandler is masturbating to shark attack documentaries and tries to accommodate that desire. Very progressive of Monica.

In 2009, a global management consulting firm put out a paper claiming that "luxury shame" was the biggest obstacle to the luxury fashion industry's recovery. Under late capitalism, in other words, there are actually some people who count being embarrassed of their Birkin during the recession as a problem.

Whenever you do anything as a woman, you're never doing it right.

On The View, someone recently made fun of a Miss America contestant for being a nurse, prompting widespread internet outcry.

What happened in the Garden of Eden.

Rich white people are desperate to have a monopoly on every experience in the universe, so they like to pretend that being rich and white is maligned in our society. Guess what: It's not.

A queef is not a fart, but, then again, farts shouldn't be shamed either.

A lot of "shaming" just comes down to some bored person getting mad over something that does not involve them in any stretch of the imagination, and then other people becoming incensed in return. In the case of reader shaming, everyone was howling for a week or two about whether adults should be embarrassed to read YA fiction. In the end, because no one was burning copies of The Hunger Games in a frenzied mob, everyone mostly forgot and moved on.

Slut shaming, as a term, is the progenitor of all –shamings. Because we live in a world in which women are constantly derided, disregarded, or punished for expressing any sort of sexual agency, it comes up a lot.

This is when you make fun of someone's ironic Hey Arnold butt tattoo, but also what happens when you judge someone for having tattoos altogether. It is also apparently the reason Miley Cyrus' brother was kicked out of a restaurant in Kentucky one time.

Earlier this year, Delta was accused of shaming its customers for buying the cheapest available tickets—anyone who selected the basic economy fare on the Delta website would be subjected to a list of indignities they'd have to suffer on board the plane as a self-identified peasant.

This is when political parties send out mailers reminding people that democracy won't work if we are all lazy to vote. As one might imagine, this infuriates many Americans.

Not to be confused with walk shaming, the walk of shame is what happens after you go home with someone and then have to trundle home in your going-out clothing, blinking confusedly in the striking sunlight like a newborn kitten opening its eyes for the first time. It's actually not shameful—congrats on the sex!!!—unless maybe you throw up in a street trashcan on your way.

If you work at an environmentally friendly company such as Vice Media, everyone will treat you like a fell demon if you print something out without making sure it's double-sided.

There's nothing wrong with getting your news from Snapchat.

When losers and haters try to diminish us for having a truly excellent horoscope section.