Discussing the Royal Wedding with the Only Queens That Matter (Drag Queens)

You can’t get more heteronormative than a royal wedding—for weeks, the tabloids have worked themselves up into a frenzy over questions of which dress designer Markle will go for, or who will give her away during the ceremony at Windsor Chapel. But let’s face it: royal weddings are also, simultaneously, the campiest of all royal events. There’s only one type of event that necessitates hiring trumpeters, luxury florists, horse-drawn carriages, and tiny children dressed up as pageboys, and it isn’t the Queen’s funeral.

As such, there is only one group of people who can really grasp the true complexity and kitsch of a such a momentous occasion: drag queens. We asked a bunch of Britain's finest to share their thoughts on the upcoming nuptials.

BROADLY: As a queen yourself, how do you feel about the royals?
Glamrou: My feelings are that I live a far more royal life by being proudly queer than any of the royal family ever will, and that the royal wedding is an offensively irrelevant happening that is distracting from the real issues the British public need to be thinking about. Also, I think the royals are partly responsible for the hideous nostalgic nationalism that has led to the isolationist Brexit mess we're in right now. British nostalgia is dangerous, and erases the systemic racism and classism the royals are founded upon.

Who is your favorite royal and why?
Lady Jane Grey. She was queen for nine days. Major.

If you were dressing Meghan and Harry for the ceremony, what would you go with?
I'd stick pictures on Harry's suit relaying the barbaric things British colonialism did in foreign countries that period dramas try to erase. I'd dress Meghan as Professor Trelawney in Harry Potter.

Describe your ideal royal wedding.
A chemsex party. Do you have any predictions for the wedding or Harry and Meghan's future life together?
I predict at one point in their marriage together, they will both have to do a poo in a toilet.

Drag can be a tough world of intrigue and backstabbing drama—much like the monarchy! Do you have any advice for a new initiate like Meghan?
If you hear the Queen bitching about you, make a house remix using snippets of all the negative things the Queen said, and lip-synch to them in a gay club whilst doing death drops.

BROADLY: How do you feel about the royal family, generally speaking?
Jonbenet Blonde: I think they do some good and you’ve gotta love a royal lewk, I mean if we were born into it, I’d be dripping in diamonds all day. The younger royals seem to have a right lovely time, Beatrice was just at the Met Ball—fuming at that, I want to go. Her look was also not up to scratch—more nipple, please!

Do you have a favorite member of the royal family?
Oh, absolutely. Princess Margaret loved the booze and boys and always wore a lewk with a fag in her hand. Triple points to her!

What's your dream royal wedding?
Babycham and cheese and pineapple hedgehogs at reception. Everyone in hats—huge hats, actually—and if not, then a tiara. Someone objecting to the marriage in the middle of the ceremony. Nan passed out in the corner from too many shandies. A good old family argument and a few tears. Finish it all off with a tequila and a Spice Girls sing-along!

Do you have any predictions for the happy couple’s wedding?
I’m guessing it’s not going to be as showy as William and Kate, probably because you know these two love a drink or two and it’s gonna be a rave by 10 PM. I hope the press don’t hound Meghan like they have been doing, it’ll be Grace Kelly all over again—straight off a cliff.

BROADLY: As a queen, what are your general feelings on the royal family?
Speaking as your queen, the actual royals will be first against the wall.

Who's your favorite member of the royal family?
I'm of the “guillotine them all” school of thought, except for Diana, who should be resurrected.

If you were dressing Meghan and Harry for the ceremony, what would you go with?
As this is is an important question, I'll take it seriously: I'd either have them in matching gold dresses embodying tacky lesbian wedding chic, or maybe put Meghan in a sharp off-white suit with diamanté lapels while Harry just wears a leash and ornamental nappy. The rest of the family would love it.

Describe your ideal royal wedding.
It's the eve of before the royal wedding. Finally fed up of endless royal propaganda, this is the catalyst the people need to finally rise up en masse: the royals and anyone who earns over £50,000 is shot, the wealth and resources are equally redistributed globally, everyone gets a home and enough to live comfortably on, Buckingham Palace becomes a monument to the death of capital where anyone can go and sit and have some free lunch, we all have a week-long party from which red, white, and blue bunting is absolutely banned. Everyone gets their own personal drag stylist.

Do you have any advice for a would-be royal like Meghan?
Demand your money up front.

BROADLY: Speaking as a queen, how do you feel about the royal family?
Georgia Tasda: Every time I look at a coin or a banknote and I see the queen’s face on it, it reminds me that, really, we live in a very unequal society. No one has ever even deigned to ask me if I would like my face on the currency. (Note to self: start own currency.)

It makes me really sad that people get so excited about royal weddings and royal babies, and there are so many people who follow their every banal movement so adoringly. I simply don’t get it. We’ve had this anachronistic institution grandfathered into the very fabric of our democracy, and instead of asking how we can fix it, people keep lapping it up. Wake up sheeple! What news story is being buried by distracting us with a glitzy royal wedding to look at instead? Where’s the real story, eh Broadly? Put that in your article.

Are there any links or similarities between real-life royalty and drag queens?
The queen literally owns one-third of the world. Drag kings and queens? We’re just here owning our gender.

How would you dress Harry or Meghan for the wedding?
I’m a crafty queen and I like to work with unusual materials, so I’d like to make their outfits myself. Harry’s dad is big on the environment, so for Harry I’d make him a suit out of whatever I can find in my recycling bin, glued together. You know—old yogurt pots and newspapers. Maybe a corsage out of reused clingfilm. Charles will be dead impressed.

BROADLY: How do you feel about the royal family?
Grace Shush!: My feelings are very neutral. I think the last two weddings have been very romantic—gives us all hope of being a queen someday! I think it’s great for the economy!

Who’s your favorite royal thus far?
Grace Kelly! She is one of the reasons I am called Grace Shush. She was just so glamorous.

How would you dress Meghan and Harry for the ceremony?
“LADIES! It’s a Fritz Bernaise! ” I hope you get that reference! But in all seriousness, it’s about what she feels comfortable in. Weddings are stressful at the best of times but a ROYAL WEDDING OOOOOOHHH HONEY!

What's your ideal royal wedding?
The one where I’m queen of England.

Do you have any predictions for the wedding?
Two things: 1) Giant cake. 2) Grace Shush inside.

As a queen yourself, do you have any tips for a would-be royal like Meghan?
Surround yourself with the right people, not the ones that just blow smoke up your arse or talk bad about you, but the ones that tell you that you're being an idiot and will have your back in shady times!

BROADLY: How do you feel about the royal family?
The Nightbus: First and foremost, I'm the product of violent and cancerous colonization which means my views on the royal family can't sit independently from my vested hatred for a lineage which has desecrated all continents on this planet. Additionally, the heteronormative celebration of two people uniting essentially for tax purposes (and apparently in love, but that as ever, remains to be seen) roused no great excitement from me.

I'm no Republican, and I am mindful that this royal wedding will be less of a public cost than those of past times; but in a society where hundreds of people can be found sleeping on the steps of posh furniture stores in London's West End every night, where the minute cost of fireproof cladding and adequate training for civil enforcement would have saved the lives of many in Grenfell, this wedding doesn't seem to be capable of achieving its goal to distract the masses as has happened with similar events in the past, and is yet again an exercise in frivolous public spending.

Describe your ideal royal wedding.
I would forgo the walk down the aisle in favor of a seance so Diana can regale us with a tale of the exact moment she knew her life was over when she found out she was carrying Dodi's child… allegedly. Then instead of a kiss on the balcony, replace the happy couple with a gargantuan screen broadcasting a count of the number of dead civilians slain at the hands of our army. Lizzy would probably love that.

Just like the monarchy, drag can be a tough world to crack! Do you have any advice for a newcomer like Meghan?
1) Don't get in any limousines. 2) Use a condom.