Why Revenge Fantasies are Normal After a Bad Break-Up

“Living well is the best revenge” is something you hear thrown around a lot. It might sound a bit wishful and wanky, but there really isn’t a better option than channelling your feelings of anger and vitriol into non-destructive, self-satisfactory good.

Don’t be reactive, ignore your oppressor. Live a good life. Sorted.  

But as much as getting on with your life, forgetting the people that hurt you and truly finding happiness and success is clearly the best way to do it – especially when it comes to moving on from a break-up – that doesn’t mean that you won’t have the slightest inkling of vengefulness telling you that spreading a rumour about your ex’s personal hygiene is a great idea. The thought of them struggling to find a next date when the world knows of their fictional, once-monthly shower routine is tantalising. 

“The concept of revenge has a whole lot of tentacles, with a whole lot of meaning in our culture and these ideas naturally seep into our relationships,” relationship expert Eleanor Butterworth told VICE.

“For instance, we have really strong ideas about right and wrong in our culture, of good guys and bad guys and what runs alongside these ideas is that if someone is ‘bad’ – breaks a law, breaks a rule, breaks a heart – if they are punished then justice is served and we can go about our lives.”

When someone has hurt you, the desire for revenge is a natural instinct. It’s no surprise, given that revenge is written into our culture. We see it everywhere, and it’s often shown in a positive, sexy light. From Rihanna’s “Bitch Better Have My Money” video, to the gun-toting suit-clad John Wick or Liam Neeson in Taken, revenge is played out in pop-culture as the ultimate form of justice – made most satisfying by being dealt by the hand that was burned. 

If you’re a film buff you might be familiar with Park Chan Wook’s The Handmaiden or Coralie Faregeat’s Revenge. These are tales that show revenge as the moral right, in which you can’t wait for the big bad to get their come-uppance. 

On Twitter, you’ve probably seen endless threads of ex employees exposing bosses, or a celebrity posting illicit information about another in order to fire up their audience to bring them down. They’re the clap backs that we cheer for from afar, with no understanding of the nuance of the situation. 

We love these stories because they make us feel like the morally right triumphs. They fulfil our darker urges to see others suffer and not have to make the effort to be open minded and empathetic. 

It’s completely understandable if you’ve been hurt by a relationship that, in the aftermath of the break-up you might find comfort in imagining that you get to stand in front of a crowd with them and lay out every horrible thing they did to you so the world knows who they really are. On the more extreme end you might dream of your ex’s tires getting slashed. Maybe you like to imagine them being treated by someone the way they treated you to see how they like it. 

It's a normal part of life to want revenge on the people who have hurt us, whether you were bullied, abused or excluded. 

But we call them revenge fantasies for a reason. Taking a leaf out of any film, artist or online warfare and actually acting on those fantasies is not gonna have the same results you want in real life. No one is cheering for you. No one is proud. You’re just standing in your ex’s room with a bunch of cut up t-shirts, realising this wasn’t the best idea. 

Simply having the thought that you want to hurt them back is okay – it doesn’t make you evil, it doesn’t make you problematic – it’s choosing to actually do it that enters you into dangerous territory. In reality, chasing real life revenge could put you in physical danger or open yourself to potential legal punishment. And that’s not even considering the emotional repercussions of guilt and regret when you realise that your actions were out of line. 

“Even just thinking about revenge a lot is actually just a way of staying focussed on the person who hurt us,” said Butterworth. “Rather than helping us move on it can leave us looking for healing in a place that can’t really give it.”

As much as we might want to see an ex who damaged our self-image and esteem be taken for a ride by karma, those fantasies are sometimes all we get. They are our acts of revenge. If you can’t have the catharsis of beating the ever living shit out of someone who took your peace and your joy and your sense of security, at least you can imagine it with no further consequence. 

Fantasies can provide another option, another version of reality, another place to process the hurt. They can help bridge the gap between us being broken and feeling healed post break-up. They don't solidify you as a vengeful person, you’re just allowing yourself to explore one avenue in an incredibly complex map of hurt.  

“It is important to remember revenge fantasies are the angry mask for other, more painful feelings that we want to avoid such as grief, loss, rejection, shame. It is ok to let yourself feel the anger, but do it with a view that it isn’t your final destination, just one you are passing through on the way to acceptance.” said Butterworth.

“Hold ideas of revenge lightly, notice that is where you are at in your healing, but don’t be tricked in thinking they are the healing, and don’t give them too much of your head space.” 

The key is not letting yourself stew on your revenge fantasies until they’re a focus or an obsession – and never allowing yourself to fall into the misguided belief that acting on it will make you feel better, because the truth is, in the long run, it won’t.

And there’s no shame in needing help to stay on track. 

“If you’re struggling to move past the anger, finding the fantasies are intrusive or graphic you might need some extra help managing your grief.” says Butterworth. Speaking to a trusted friend, mentor or professional is a great first step.

But for most of us who’ve been through a bad break-up and occasionally like to dream up scenarios like burning all your ex’s clothes, the feeling will pass if we let it.  Allow it to be a part of the cathartic process, but don’t let things go further than your own imagination. 

Try a Park Chan Wook film instead. 

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Rachel Barker is a writer / producer at VICE NZ in Aotearoa. You can find her @rachellydiab on IG and Letterboxd and see her film criticism on Youtube.