Is It Ever OK to Call off a Relationship Over Message?

From Snapchat to Instagram, messaging is a normal part of everyday life. It’s how we communicate each dumb little thought drifting through our brains, and sometimes it’s where we come out from behind the mask and manage to say things we don’t have the gumption to tell people in person. 

Another part of normal life is coming to the end of a romantic relationship. If you’re someone that dates, you might meet “the one” a few times before they really fit the bill – which means break-up at some point in your life is almost inevitable.     

The break-up message is much trickier territory than DM’ing someone a meme, or asking if they’ve done this week's psychology reading. A relationship, even a casual one, is something everyone involved in should go into with a certain level of maturity and respect – and most people seem to agree upon the fact that a break-up text doesn’t meet that standard.

When we asked people whether its okay to end things with someone over messenger, the response was overwhelmingly that it’s not the right thing to do:

“If you’ve hit boyfriend/girlfriend status then no.” 

“Generally no, but it depends on circumstances and length of relationship.” 

“No it's not. Show a little backbone and at the very least call the person.” 

“General rule of thumb: everyone deserves at least a phone call.” 

Although a minority argued that it’s totally in your own rights to end it how you want.

“100% you have complete control over the notification.” 

As much as you might be over it by the time things end, if you were at some point committed to someone, then you owe them your respect and a moment of your time to give an honest explanation. Communicating with someone about how you feel – and not being a dick about it – isn’t that hard. So put down your phone, pick up your heels and tackle it head on.

Of course, there are exceptions to every rule:

If your relationship or situationship has been short lived – like a few dates, or a few weeks, even a few months if it’s still only casual – then a message can be okay. 

Our readers agreed that “if you've been seeing the person for less than 2 months”  or “anything less than 3 months” that the break-up message was an acceptable ending. 

But as Ihaka told VICE, “If you’re just casually dating it's all good, but if you've been exclusive for a few months its best to do it in real life” 

Unfortunately, everyone’s definition of casual is gonna vary, especially if you’re not talking about it to each other. For a lot of people, hanging out more than 1-2 times a week is gonna send the message that it’s more serious than you both might be saying. And in this situation a message is almost definitely gonna fall short. 

According to Ari, “for anything that’s mildly serious and you're hanging a lot, 3-4 times a week for a few months, you’re a douche if you do it over text”. 

A completely necessary reason to end things over a message is if you’re in an abusive relationship where it may not be physically safe for you to be in your ex’s presence. If you’re struggling to leave an abusive or physically violent partner, you can check out this article for professional advice. 

Less extreme, but still a real issue, is a situation where the person you’re with might try and talk you out of ending things if you have an in-person conversation. This might stem from controlling behaviour, in which case it’s best to get what you have to say off your chest over a message and then leave things at that.

Similarly to being talked out of it, you might find that if you’re tackling a break-up face to face that you’re unable to say what you really need to say and might not end things at all – or might find yourself in a back and forth fight you don’t want to be in.  

Milly told VICE she feels break-up messages are appropriate “If you struggle to get words out in real life, but can text more clearly and calmly.”

Dave added that it’s okay to do “if you’re not a great communicator verbally, and are more likely to be coerced into staying together in person” adding that without the pressure of seeing them in person, “it might give them the confidence they need to make what is obviously a big decision.” 

When it comes to communication struggles, you have to be really honest with yourself about whether a message is just the easy way out for you or if attempting it in person is really going to be detrimental to the break-up happening.

It might still be best here to tell your soon-to-be-ex that you’re ending the relationship in person, and then say that you’d like to explain over a message so that you can articulate your feelings properly. 

This one only really applies to casual or short-term relationships, but it’s fair enough not to want to waste someone's time over a coffee or a drink knowing that you’re only there to end things. When you’re in a committed relationship, you need to create space to have a conversation, but if there’s nothing else to say other than "I'm not interested in dating” then a message can do the job. 

No one wants to spend an hour getting ready and $18 on a cocktail just to be told it’s over. Or even worse, arrive excited to hang out for the next few hours and be caught completely off guard by the other person bailing and leaving you with the bill. 

Again, if you can genuinely reckon with yourself that you’re doing it for them, and not for yourself, then sending a text might be most appropriate here. 

This is an obvious one. 

For most long distance couples, seeing each other face to face isn’t an option – and if it is, then you should do it, especially if you’ve been dating more than 6 months. A 55 minute plane ride isn’t the end of the world, and making the effort to do it in person shows that you have a genuine level of respect for the relationship. 

But, even for a long distance relationship, the consensus of our audience was that a text alone won’t cut it. As Rob shared, “If you're long distance then call them. Let's have some adult convo closure.” 

If there’s one thing you really shouldn’t do… It’s to do nothing at all.

Anyone who’s experienced it will tell you, ghosting is pure evil. You’re an adult, not a spectral entity that exists outside of the passage of time and human understanding – so send the goddam text or get up off your ass and have a conversation. 

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Rachel Barker is a writer / producer at VICE NZ in Aotearoa. You can find her @rachellydiab on IG and Letterboxd and see her film criticism on Youtube.